I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think, ‘That’s why I’m not a heterosexual.’
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Larry Charles
Larry Charles (born December 1, 1956) is an American writer, director, and producer. Charles is best known as a staff writer for the American sitcom Seinfeld for its first five seasons, contributing some of the show's darkest and most absurd storylines. He has also directed the mockumentary comedy films Borat and Brüno, the documentary film Religulous, and comedy film The Dictator. 2Early life Charles was born in Brooklyn, New York City, New York to a Jewish family. He was raised in the housing project Trump Village, located between Brighton Beach and Coney Island in Brooklyn. After graduating from John Dewey High School, he attended college at Rutgers University in New Jersey, but he left school to perform comedy routines. 2Career 3Early career Larry Charles performed stand-up comedy during the 1970s until he was hired to write for the short-lived sketch comedy show Fridays, where he worked with Larry David, who would later give him a job as a writer on Seinfeld and director on Curb Your Enthusiasm. This began Charles's career in television writing that included The Arsenio Hall Show and eventually Seinfeld. 3Seinfeld Although series co-creators Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld wrote the bulk of the show's episodes during the first five seasons, Charles was their second in command during this period. Charles had met Seinfeld co-creator Larry David when he was part of the writing staff of the ABC sketch show Fridays, on which David and Michael Richards were also part of the show's ensemble cas
I get the feeling when lesbians are looking at me, they're thinking: ‘That's why I'm not heterosexual.’
Make myself comfortable. What does that mean? Does she want me to take my clothes off? Is she taking her clothes off? What if I take my clothes off and she still has hers on? Then I really look like an idiot. She could get offended and leave. So maybe I should leave them on, but what then if she…
I'm not a lesbian! I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian.
I'm not a lesbian! I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian.
People are going to steal from you. You can't stop them. But, everybody has their own little personal security things—things that they think will foil the crooks, you know? In your own mind, right? ..You go to the beach, go in the water, put your wallet in the sneaker. Who's gonna know? What…
I'm the judge and the jury, pal. And the verdict is…guilty!
I don't eat dinner. Dinner's for suckers.
Elaine: Where’s Kramer? Jerry: Who knows? It’s like asking where’s Waldo.
I completely skipped healthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately to taking forever. You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I've never had a normal, medium orgasm.
Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body; we just want the body.
You know, I lived with the Eskimos many years ago, and they used to plunge their faces into the snow.
Jerry, kill me, kill me now. I'm begging you. Let's just get it over with. Be a pal. Just take the pillow and put it over my face.
You know, I tell ya, I gotta say that I'm enjoying adulthood. For a lot of reasons. And, I'll tell you reason number one: as an adult, if I want a cookie, I have a cookie, okay? I have three cookies or four cookies, or eleven cookies if I want. Many times I will intentionally ruin my entire…
Every woman on the face of the earth has complete control of my life. And yet, I want them all…is that irony?
What did you go out with me for?! Just to dump chocolate on my shirt and then just dump me altogether?! I don't deserve that kind of treatment! What, you don't have the common courtesy to return my calls?! To apologize! You think I'm some sort of a loser, that likes to be abused and ignored?! Who's…
What do you do at the end of a date when you know you don't want to see this person ever again, for the rest of your life? What do you say? What do you say? No matter what you say, it's a lie. ‘I’ll see you around. See you around. If you're around, and I'm around, I'll see you around that area.…
I'm having a planned C-section. My therapist told me if I go through labor, I might get psychotic.
Someday, before I die, mark my words—I'm gonna tell that woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do.
Ask not what I can do for you—ask what you can do for me.