“Peter Griffin: Brian, maybe you should be a little less mad at me and a little more mad at the guys growing mustaches for this month. Brian Griffin: Hey, don't mock Mo-vember. Last year, I raised eight dollars and got on a BuzzFeed listicle. Peter Griffin: No! You use real words! Internet stuff is n…”— Richard Appel, Peter Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com
“Brian, why does everything you touch turn to garbage?”— Seth MacFarlane, Stewie Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com
“Meg Griffin: I MATTER! Peter Griffin: Shut up, Meg, you don't matter!”— Richard Appel, Peter Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com
“Brian Griffin: Ah, I guess we're in a town called Springfield. Stewie Griffin: Springfield, eh, which state? Brian Griffin: I can't imagine we are allowed to say.”— Seth MacFarlane, Brian Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com
“[When Brian was texting while driving] You know, that was a stroller, not a speed bump.”— Shawn Reis, Stewie Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com
“Chris Griffin: Hey, Dad, are you busy? I was thinking we could spend some time together. Peter Griffin: Okay, are you a television set of the Internet? Chris Griffin: No. Peter Griffin: Oh, then no.”— Shawn Reis, Peter Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com
“[Speaking to Brian] How does it feel to be the least cultured person at a bus station?”— Steve Callaghan, Stewie Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com
“Lois Griffin: Stewie, hold my hand. Stewie Griffin: No, thank you, I prefer to die giving you the finger.”— Seth MacFarlane, Stewie Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com
“[to Lois] Close your purse. I can see your tampons. And why do you need six? What happens to you?”— Seth MacFarlane, Stewie Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com
“Peter, what'd I say about you volunteering me for shit?”— Pete Michels, Glenn Quagmire, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com
“[Speaking to Stewie as he's brought home from the hospital] Well it's up to you buddy. Save this marriage.”— Mark Hentemann, Peter Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com
“Lois, if God wanted me to not sleep with my wife he would have made me John Travolta.”— Gary Janetti, Peter Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com
“Joe Swanson: What were you doing last night? Peter Griffin: Fucking your mother.”— Chris Sheridan, Peter Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com
“What they do turns out to be alright, it's what you're about to do that unleashes utter bedlam!”— Mark Hentemann, Seth MacFarlane, Stewie Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com
“Hi. I'm Stewie Griffin. Tonight's "Family Guy" was a very special episode about drug use, but the simple fact is it's no laughing matter. To learn more about drugs, visit your local library. There's probably a guy behind there who sells drugs. Good night.”— Wellesley Wild, Stewie Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com
“Death: You members of the human race have the power to send a man to the moon and make Justin Long a movie star. With that kind of willpower, don't you think you can learn how to put the bottle down, just sometimes? Peter Griffin: We did it with Justin Long, didn't we? America said no but we kept at…”— Brian Scully, Peter Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com
“I guess we've learned that no matter who you are or where you come from, life is a terrible thing.”— Steve Callaghan, Peter Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com
“Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: [before Han is lowered into the carbon-freezing pit] I love you. Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Fuck off.”— Kirker Butler, Peter Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com
“Stewie Griffin: I just realized something. Tomorrow is Sunday. Brian Griffin: [looks up] fuck!”— Gary Janetti, Brian Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com
“Brian Griffin: So, had a little trouble up there on stage, huh? Stewie Griffin: What do you mean? Brian Griffin: I mean crying and wetting yourself, you looked ridiculous. Stewie Griffin: You know what? I'm gonna buy a cake when you're dead.”— Chris Sheridan, Stewie Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com