19 Tucker Max Quotes That Are Both Hilariously Vulgar And Slightly Offensive

“If you wear crocs on a first date, she'll excuse herself and never come back.”

— Tucker Max, amazon.com

“One of life’s great secrets: women don’t look for handsome men, they look for men with beautiful women.”

— Tucker Max, amazon.com

“Of course, I'm not a doctor; I just watch a lot of ER and House.”

— Tucker Max, amazon.com

“If you EVER speak ill of the McGriddle again I will personally force-feed you one while I fuck you in the butt using the wrapper as a condom and then donkey punch you when the infused syrup nuggets explode in your mouth.”

— Tucker Max, amazon.com

“Here’s to the women we’ve met, and to the women we’ve fucked, And to those amongst us who’ve had no such luck. Here’s to beer in the glass, and vodka in the cup, Here’s to pokin’ her in the ass, so she won’t get knocked up. Here’s to all of you, and here’s to me, Together as friends we’ll always be,…”

— Tucker Max, amazon.com

“You ever met one of those guys who, in a totally calm and composed way, can scare the shit out of you? Like an MMA fighter, or the fat Kardashian sister who married Lamar Odom?”

— Tucker Max, amazon.com

“It is better to ask for forgiveness then permission.”

— Tucker Max, amazon.com

“If God invented anything better than drunk sex with a hot girl, he kept it to himself.”

— Tucker Max, amazon.com

“The rules your parents teach you to live by are very different than the rules the world actually runs by. Most of the conventional wisdom is not only wrong, it's a lie told to us by people who want to control us. It doesn't help us, it helps them. Pretty much everything we're told as children (and a…”

— Tucker Max, amazon.com

“Random Girl after a hookup: "Do you love me" Tucker: "I don't understand the question.”

— Tucker Max, amazon.com

“There are fun nights, there are crazy nights, and then there are those nights that make men legends.”

— Tucker Max, amazon.com

“I never understand why women think drama and bullshit are attractive to guys. They’re not. I’m going to be real clear about this, ladies, so pay attention: Prince Charming doesn't come to rescue cunty lunatics.”

— Tucker Max, amazon.com

“She is trying to convince me that she never does this and is not that type of girl. It was difficult for me to understand. Her enunciation wasn’t very good with my dick in her mouth.”

— Tucker Max, amazon.com

“If people try to judge you or shame you for doing safe, consensual things that make you happy, I can guarantee you they're bad people.”

— Tucker Max, amazon.com

“You look like the type of people who would criticize a misspelling in a suicide note.”

— Tucker Max, amazon.com

“I stop paying attention because as much as I love beauty, I hate stupidity, and seeing the two combined pisses me off.”

— Tucker Max, amazon.com

“No one has it all figured out, especially not the people who are acting like they do and judging you because of it. Pretending to be something you aren't because you're trying to please a bunch of judgmental hypocrites and shitheads is not the way to be happy. Living the life you want to live is. It…”

— Tucker Max, amazon.com

“The devil doesn't come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything you've ever wished for.”

— Tucker Max, amazon.com

“Ladies, let me give you some advice. You can throw all your stupid fucking chick-lit, self-help, why-doesn't-he-love-me books out, because this is all you need to know: Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as "deserving" respect; you get what you demand from people.. if yo…”

— Tucker Max, amazon.com