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Catalog

Bob Israel

18 quotes

All Hookers (3)Bachelor Party (2)does (1)James Bond (1)fire trucks (1)Suicide (1)Microwave (1)stag party (1)I Swear on My Mother's Grave (1)greetings (1)Catholic (1)potato salad (1)prison riots (1)Sarcasm (1)Cuisinart (1)

From “Bachelor Party”

Rick, I want Debbie. You dump her and I’ll give you cash. Ten thousand dollars, plus a G.E. toaster over; a Litton microwave; a Cuisinart; Michelin tires, brand-new; a set of Sears’s best metric tools...

Dowry Microwave Cuisinart Sears

Rick Gassko: [the guys find out their porno film has been edited] Not that I’m complaining, but I usually don’t like my filth this clean! Rudy: Whatta waste of two women! Jay O’Neill: I don’t get it; the dirty parts were there yesterday!

Porno sanitized filth

Personally, I was impressed when they opened the World Trade Center, but this, this is a piece of work.

World Trade Center Sarcasm

Rudy: Let’s have a bachelor party with chicks and guns and fire trucks and hookers and drugs and booze! Gary: Yeah! Yeah yeah! All the things that make life worth living for!

Bachelor Party Chicks Guns fire trucks Hookers

Debbie Thompson: Are there gonna be girls at the party? Rick Gassko: No...it’s a ‘stag’ party, and that means that the ‘does’ stay home! Debbie Thompson: I’m not talking about the ‘does.’ I’m talking about hookers. Rick Gassko: Ooohh...those!

stag party does Hookers

I hope you like potato salad...it’s chunky style...my favorite!

potato salad chunky

Debbie Thompson: Rick, you promise you won’t fool around at your bachelor party? Rick Gassko: I swear on my mother’s grave. Debbie Thompson: Your mother’s still alive. Rick Gassko: Well, if I go back on my word, I’ll kill her.

I Swear on My Mother's Grave Bachelor Party Cheating

[tasting some of his own dinner] This is the food prison riots are made out of.

bad cooking prison riots

Rick Gassko: What the hell are you doing? Brad: I’m slashing my wrist. Rick Gassko: With an electric razor? Brad: Yeah, I couldn’t find any razor blades. Rick Gassko: Well at least your wrist will be smooth and kissable.

Suicide botched suicide attempt

Uh-oh. It’s Mr. Laughs.

insults Passive Aggressive

Cole Whittier: The car has low mileage and handles like a dream. Rick Gassko: Well, so does Debbie.

Double Entendre low mileage

Rick Gassko: [after Stan has left the syringe for taking blood sticking out of his arm] Um, Stan? Is this supposed to be like this? Dr. Stan Gassko: Uh...no, that’s incorrect. [carefully removes syringe]

medical disasters syringe

Rick Gassko: Attention, passengers, we are now leaving Nun Central and are beginning our journey to hell and beyond. The captain has turned off the ‘no smoking’ sign, and you may now move about the cabin freely. [Kids start screaming, reading Playboy, and gambling] Thank you for being Catholic and…

Hell Nuns Catholic No Smoking

[greeting everybody at table] Cole Whittier: Mr. Thompson...Mrs. Thompson...Debbie...and... Rick Gassko: Bond. James Bond.

greetings bond James Bond

Mr. Thompson: [tied up and gagged] MMF MFF MFFFFF MFFF! Rick Gassko: He says he’s having a wonderful time and he’s thinking of changing his name to Spike.

bound and gagged bondage and discipline

Well, Mr. Thompson, that’s quite a list. And I think, if I really apply myself, I could be a totally changed person by the time we finish lunch!

Self-Reliance Hyperbole

Rick Gassko: Who was that? Jay O’Neill: I dunno. Rick Gassko: [pointing to the arrow] And what’s this? Jay O’Neill: Search me. Rick Gassko: [Another arrow hits the wall] What about this? Jay O’Neill: Still drawing a blank. Rick Gassko: [Seeing Cole across the way] He look familiar to you? Jay…

Hookers Cochise

It’s time for spice, and the lucky spice is...paprika! ‘Oh thank you, thank you! You’ve made me the happiest spice in the world!’

Miss America Parody Lucky Spice

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