I don’t get you. Who goes on vacation without a job? What do you need a break from getting up at eleven?
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Jerry Seinfeld
Jerome Allen "Jerry" Seinfeld (born April 29, 1954) is an American comedian, actor, writer, producer, and director. He is known for playing a semifictional version of himself in the sitcom Seinfeld, which he created and wrote with Larry David. Seinfeld was heavily involved in the Bee Movie, in which he voiced its protagonist. In 2010, he premiered a reality series called The Marriage Ref. He directed Colin Quinn in the Broadway show Long Story Short at the Helen Hayes Theater, which ran until January 2011. He is the creator and host of the web series Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. In his stand-up comedy career, Seinfeld is known for specializing in observational comedy, often ranting about relationships and embarrassing social situations. In 2005, Comedy Central named Seinfeld their "12th Greatest Stand-up Comedian of All Time". 2Early life Seinfeld was born in Brooklyn, New York. His father Kalmen Seinfeld collected jokes he heard while serving in World War II. His mother, Betty (née Hosni; born 1914), is of Syrian-Jewish descent; her parents Selim and Salha Hosni were from Alepp
The thing I don’t understand about the suicide person is the people who try and commit suicide for some reason they don’t die and that’s it. They stop trying. Why? Why don’t they just keep trying? What has changed? Is their life any better now? No. In fact, it’s worse because now they’ve found out…
The thing I don’t understand about the suicide person is the people who try and commit suicide for some reason they don’t die and that’s it. They stop trying. Why? Why don’t they just keep trying? What has changed? Is their life any better now? No. In fact, it’s worse because now they’ve found out…
Well, let me tell you something about George. He is fast. He can run like the wind. And he's strong. I've seen him lift a hundred pounds over his head without even knowing it. And you wouldn't know it to look at him, but George can bait a hook.
Well, let me tell you something about George. He is fast. He can run like the wind. And he's strong. I've seen him lift a hundred pounds over his head without even knowing it. And you wouldn't know it to look at him, but George can bait a hook.
So I was watching this movie the other night, it was a World War Two movie and there was Nazis in the movie and I noticed that the Nazis in those movies always had like two separate Heils. They had like the regular Heil that they would do and then when they were around the offices, they had like…
So I was watching this movie the other night, it was a World War Two movie and there was Nazis in the movie and I noticed that the Nazis in those movies always had like two separate Heils. They had like the regular Heil that they would do and then when they were around the offices, they had like…
The appeal of the posse? The posse has tremendous appeal. Get away from the job, camp out, you're with your friends....Come on, it's a week-long game of hide-and-seek on horseback.
The appeal of the posse? The posse has tremendous appeal. Get away from the job, camp out, you're with your friends....Come on, it's a week-long game of hide-and-seek on horseback.
People will kill each other for a parking space in New York because they think, 'If I don't get this one, I may never get a space.’ You know? ‘I'll be circling for months until somebody goes out to the Hamptons.’ I think because everyone in New York City knows there's gotta be way more cars than…
People will kill each other for a parking space in New York because they think, 'If I don't get this one, I may never get a space.’ You know? ‘I'll be circling for months until somebody goes out to the Hamptons.’ I think because everyone in New York City knows there's gotta be way more cars than…
What is it about sleep that makes you so thirsty? Do dreams require liquid? It's not like I'm running a marathon, I'm just lying there.
What is it about sleep that makes you so thirsty? Do dreams require liquid? It's not like I'm running a marathon, I'm just lying there.
There are many different jobs in the police. It seems to me, that the chalk outline guy is one of the better jobs that you can get. You know it's not dangerous, the criminals are long gone, that seems like a good one. I don't know who they are, I guess they're people who wanted to be sketch artists,…
There are many different jobs in the police. It seems to me, that the chalk outline guy is one of the better jobs that you can get. You know it's not dangerous, the criminals are long gone, that seems like a good one. I don't know who they are, I guess they're people who wanted to be sketch artists,…
Jerry: This isn’t a good time. Telemarketer: When would be a good time to call back, sir? Jerry: I have an idea, why don’t you give me your home number and I’ll call you back later? Telemarketer: Umm, we’re not allowed to do that. Jerry: Oh, I guess because you don’t want strangers calling you at…
Jerry: This isn’t a good time. Telemarketer: When would be a good time to call back, sir? Jerry: I have an idea, why don’t you give me your home number and I’ll call you back later? Telemarketer: Umm, we’re not allowed to do that. Jerry: Oh, I guess because you don’t want strangers calling you at…
Vomiting is not a deal-breaker. If Hitler had vomited on Chamberlain, Chamberlain still would have given him Czechoslovakia.
Vomiting is not a deal-breaker. If Hitler had vomited on Chamberlain, Chamberlain still would have given him Czechoslovakia.
I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity? Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need…