I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity? Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need…
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Jerry Seinfeld
Jerome Allen "Jerry" Seinfeld (born April 29, 1954) is an American comedian, actor, writer, producer, and director. He is known for playing a semifictional version of himself in the sitcom Seinfeld, which he created and wrote with Larry David. Seinfeld was heavily involved in the Bee Movie, in which he voiced its protagonist. In 2010, he premiered a reality series called The Marriage Ref. He directed Colin Quinn in the Broadway show Long Story Short at the Helen Hayes Theater, which ran until January 2011. He is the creator and host of the web series Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. In his stand-up comedy career, Seinfeld is known for specializing in observational comedy, often ranting about relationships and embarrassing social situations. In 2005, Comedy Central named Seinfeld their "12th Greatest Stand-up Comedian of All Time". 2Early life Seinfeld was born in Brooklyn, New York. His father Kalmen Seinfeld collected jokes he heard while serving in World War II. His mother, Betty (née Hosni; born 1914), is of Syrian-Jewish descent; her parents Selim and Salha Hosni were from Alepp
You could be a fireman on a fire truck on the way to a fire. You bump into one of my relatives. ‘I'm sorry Uncle Leo, there's a building full of people burning down. I really do have to be running.’ He'll go: ‘Go. Go ahead. Go to your fancy fire. If that's what you have to do.’
You could be a fireman on a fire truck on the way to a fire. You bump into one of my relatives. ‘I'm sorry Uncle Leo, there's a building full of people burning down. I really do have to be running.’ He'll go: ‘Go. Go ahead. Go to your fancy fire. If that's what you have to do.’
We're lucky they are even interested in the idea in the first place. We got a show about nothing. With no story. What do you think, they're up there going, ‘maybe we should give those two guys, who have no experience and no idea, more money’?
We're lucky they are even interested in the idea in the first place. We got a show about nothing. With no story. What do you think, they're up there going, ‘maybe we should give those two guys, who have no experience and no idea, more money’?
How come the psychiatrist, every, the hour is only fifty minutes? Wha, what do they do with that ten minutes that they have left? Do they just sit there going, ‘Boy, that guy was crazy. I couldn't believe the things he was saying. What a nut! Who's coming in next? Oh, no, another head case!’
How come the psychiatrist, every, the hour is only fifty minutes? Wha, what do they do with that ten minutes that they have left? Do they just sit there going, ‘Boy, that guy was crazy. I couldn't believe the things he was saying. What a nut! Who's coming in next? Oh, no, another head case!’
I had some friends drag me to an opera recently, you know how they've got those little opera glasses, you know, do you really need binoculars, I mean how big do these people have to get before you can spot 'em? These opera kids they're going two-fifty, two-eighty, three-twenty-five, they're wearing…
I had some friends drag me to an opera recently, you know how they've got those little opera glasses, you know, do you really need binoculars, I mean how big do these people have to get before you can spot 'em? These opera kids they're going two-fifty, two-eighty, three-twenty-five, they're wearing…
The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device created by women because they know that men…
The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device created by women because they know that men…
The hardest part about being a clown, it seems to me, would be that you're constantly referred to as a clown. ‘Who was that clown?,’ ‘I'm not working with that clown, did you hire that clown?,’ ‘The guy's a clown!’ How do you even start into being a clown, how do you know that you want to be a…
The hardest part about being a clown, it seems to me, would be that you're constantly referred to as a clown. ‘Who was that clown?,’ ‘I'm not working with that clown, did you hire that clown?,’ ‘The guy's a clown!’ How do you even start into being a clown, how do you know that you want to be a…
Listen, I wouldn't put too much stock into what Elaine has to say about relationships. She comes from a broken home, and I mean that literally. A tree fell on her roof and cracked the whole structure. Her parents got along beautifully, but her house was in bad shape.
Listen, I wouldn't put too much stock into what Elaine has to say about relationships. She comes from a broken home, and I mean that literally. A tree fell on her roof and cracked the whole structure. Her parents got along beautifully, but her house was in bad shape.
I can't take it anymore! She's driving me crazy! I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I’m here, I'm climbin’ the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest—something's gotta give.
I can't take it anymore! She's driving me crazy! I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I’m here, I'm climbin’ the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest—something's gotta give.
I like flying. I like those little bathrooms that they have on the plane. It's kind of like a small apartment of your own on the plane. You go in, you close the door, the light comes on. It's like a small surprise party every time you go in there.
I like flying. I like those little bathrooms that they have on the plane. It's kind of like a small apartment of your own on the plane. You go in, you close the door, the light comes on. It's like a small surprise party every time you go in there.