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Jerry Seinfeld

496 quotesTelevision Actor · Born Apr 29, 1954 · United States Of America · Male

Jerome Allen "Jerry" Seinfeld (born April 29, 1954) is an American comedian, actor, writer, producer, and director. He is known for playing a semifictional version of himself in the sitcom Seinfeld, which he created and wrote with Larry David. Seinfeld was heavily involved in the Bee Movie, in which he voiced its protagonist. In 2010, he premiered a reality series called The Marriage Ref. He directed Colin Quinn in the Broadway show Long Story Short at the Helen Hayes Theater, which ran until January 2011. He is the creator and host of the web series Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. In his stand-up comedy career, Seinfeld is known for specializing in observational comedy, often ranting about relationships and embarrassing social situations. In 2005, Comedy Central named Seinfeld their "12th Greatest Stand-up Comedian of All Time". 2Early life Seinfeld was born in Brooklyn, New York. His father Kalmen Seinfeld collected jokes he heard while serving in World War II. His mother, Betty (née Hosni; born 1914), is of Syrian-Jewish descent; her parents Selim and Salha Hosni were from Alepp

All Dating (29)Sex (23)Breakups (19)Men (15)Women (14)Nudity (14)comedy (12)Masculinity (12)Attraction (11)Relationships (11)body odor (8)Jokes (8)Death (8)Homophobia (7)Marriage (7)

From “The Nose Job”

I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally and so attracted to them physically at the same time. It's like my brain is facing my penis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win.

beauty repulsion stupidity Chess penis

I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally and so attracted to them physically at the same time. It's like my brain is facing my penis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win.

beauty repulsion stupidity Chess penis

From “The Stranded”

I don't like when a woman says, ‘Make love to me.’ It's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her.

Impotence Making Love Intimidation

Maybe the dingo ate your baby.

Dingo Australia

What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.

parties Hotel Rooms Bad Guests Strangers Asking Things Of You

What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.

parties Hotel Rooms Bad Guests Strangers Asking Things Of You

What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.

parties Hotel Rooms Bad Guests Strangers Asking Things Of You

I can always tell when a woman likes me, they always somehow let you know. With me, they could torture me, I wouldn't tell them. If anything I'd try to make them think I don't like them, then they think, ‘Oh, look at this guy, he's not even looking at me, he must have something going for him.’

Aloofness Attraction Game Theory

You haven't won. You may think you've won, but you haven't won. Do you know why? It's not over. This is not over. I'm not forgetting what's happening here. You have my ten dollars. I will get it back. All right, don't worry. It's not over. I'm going now. Goodbye. I will be back.

Revenge Shoplifting

From “The Alternate Side”

I think the best part of a relationship is when you're sick. And the best part of being sick is when you're in a relationship. And if I was to get married, you know all those vows; for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, all I need is the sickness. That, to me, is the most important one.…

Marriage Marriage Vows sickness Loyalty Relationships

I think the best part of a relationship is when you're sick. And the best part of being sick is when you're in a relationship. And if I was to get married, you know all those vows; for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, all I need is the sickness. That, to me, is the most important one.…

Marriage Marriage Vows sickness Loyalty Relationships

See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to HOLD the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation—the holding. Anybody can just take them.

Auto Reservations Keeping Reservations Holding Reservations Taking Reservations

See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to HOLD the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation—the holding. Anybody can just take them.

Auto Reservations Keeping Reservations Holding Reservations Taking Reservations

From “The Red Dot”

I hate being around alcoholics because they're either telling you how much they love you or how much they hate you. And those are the two statements that scare me the most.

alcoholics Belligerence sentimentality Love Hate

I hate being around alcoholics because they're either telling you how much they love you or how much they hate you. And those are the two statements that scare me the most.

alcoholics Belligerence sentimentality Love Hate

I never feel comfortable in the women's department. I feel like I'm just a little too close to trying on a dress.

Cross-Dressing Gender Identity Women's Clothing

I never feel comfortable in the women's department. I feel like I'm just a little too close to trying on a dress.

Cross-Dressing Gender Identity Women's Clothing

From “The Suicide”

How long do you have to wait for a guy to come out of a coma before you ask his ex-girlfriend out?

Comas Dating Etiquette Exes

How long do you have to wait for a guy to come out of a coma before you ask his ex-girlfriend out?

Comas Dating Etiquette Exes

I don’t get you. Who goes on vacation without a job? What do you need a break from getting up at eleven?

laziness Unemployment Vacations

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