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Jerry Seinfeld

496 quotesTelevision Actor · Born Apr 29, 1954 · United States Of America · Male

Jerome Allen "Jerry" Seinfeld (born April 29, 1954) is an American comedian, actor, writer, producer, and director. He is known for playing a semifictional version of himself in the sitcom Seinfeld, which he created and wrote with Larry David. Seinfeld was heavily involved in the Bee Movie, in which he voiced its protagonist. In 2010, he premiered a reality series called The Marriage Ref. He directed Colin Quinn in the Broadway show Long Story Short at the Helen Hayes Theater, which ran until January 2011. He is the creator and host of the web series Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. In his stand-up comedy career, Seinfeld is known for specializing in observational comedy, often ranting about relationships and embarrassing social situations. In 2005, Comedy Central named Seinfeld their "12th Greatest Stand-up Comedian of All Time". 2Early life Seinfeld was born in Brooklyn, New York. His father Kalmen Seinfeld collected jokes he heard while serving in World War II. His mother, Betty (née Hosni; born 1914), is of Syrian-Jewish descent; her parents Selim and Salha Hosni were from Alepp

All Dating (29)Sex (23)Breakups (19)Men (15)Women (14)Nudity (14)comedy (12)Masculinity (12)Attraction (11)Relationships (11)body odor (8)Jokes (8)Death (8)Homophobia (7)Marriage (7)

From “The Voice”

Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

Breakups Coke Machines

From “The Serenity Now”

1%? They can kiss 1% of my ass!

1% milk Anger

1%? They can kiss 1% of my ass!

1% milk Anger

From “The Slicer”

George: You’ve got to apologize. Jerry: Why? George: Because it’s the mature and adult thing to do. Jerry: How does that affect me?

Apologies mature adult Selfish

George: You’ve got to apologize. Jerry: Why? George: Because it’s the mature and adult thing to do. Jerry: How does that affect me?

Apologies mature adult Selfish

You call yourself a lifesaver. I call you pimple popper MD!

Dermatologists Acne

You call yourself a lifesaver. I call you pimple popper MD!

Dermatologists Acne

From “The Apology”

We couldn't carry on a conversation. I kept trying to picture her naked, she kept trying to not picture me naked.

Nudity Breakups

We couldn't carry on a conversation. I kept trying to picture her naked, she kept trying to not picture me naked.

Nudity Breakups

When you cough, there are thousands of unseen muscles that suddenly spring into action. It's like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball in his stomach in slow motion.

Coughing Nudity

When you cough, there are thousands of unseen muscles that suddenly spring into action. It's like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball in his stomach in slow motion.

Coughing Nudity

From “The Cartoon”

She does stink and she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route; years of rejections and failures ’til she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry.

comedy Failed Comedians Porn Industry Failure

She does stink and she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route; years of rejections and failures ’til she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry.

comedy Failed Comedians Porn Industry Failure

From “The Wizard”

He wants to install Kramer in a puppet regime and then wield power from behind the scenes. Preferably from the sauna in the clubhouse.

Puppet Regime Power Plays Manchurian Candidate

He wants to install Kramer in a puppet regime and then wield power from behind the scenes. Preferably from the sauna in the clubhouse.

Puppet Regime Power Plays Manchurian Candidate

From “The Finale”

See, the great thing about robbing a fat guy is it's an easy getaway. You know? They can't really chase ya!

Robbery Fat-Shaming

All right! But hear me and hear me well—the day will come. Oh yes, mark my words, Seinfeld—your day of reckoning is coming. When an evil wind will blow through your little play world and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I'll be there, in all my glory, watching—watching as it all comes…

Threats Bitterness Reckoning

Jerry. It's L.A. Nobody leaves. She's a seductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a whore.

LA Los Angeles Whore

From “The Dinner Party”

The thing about eating the black and white cookie, Elaine, is you want to get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie all our problems would be solved.

Cookies Vanilla chocolate Racial Harmony Racial Tension

The thing about eating the black and white cookie, Elaine, is you want to get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie all our problems would be solved.

Cookies Vanilla chocolate Racial Harmony Racial Tension

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