[Ricky and Lucy are doing a show together] Ricky Ricardo: Hey, Lucy, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the theater. Lucy Ricardo: What? Ricky Ricardo: Some tramp comes up to me on the street and says he hadn't had a bite in three days. Lucy Ricardo: What did you do, bite him? [Audience…
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Jess Oppenheimer
Jessurun James "Jess" Oppenheimer (November 11, 1913 – December 27, 1988) was an American radio and television writer, producer, and director. He was the producer and head writer of the CBS sitcom I Love Lucy.Lucille Ball called Oppenheimer “the brains” behind I Love Lucy. As series creator, producer, and head writer, “Jess was the creative force behind the ‘Lucy’ show,” according to I Love Lucy director William Asher. “He was the field general. Jess presided over all the meetings, and ran the whole show. He was very sharp.” 2Biography 3Early life and career He was born in to a secular Jewish family in San Francisco, where in the third grade he was chosen as a subject of Stanford University professor Lewis Terman's study of gifted children. His assistant noted in Oppenheimer's file, "I could detect no signs of a sense of humor."During his junior year at Stanford during the 1930s, Oppenheimer visited the studios of radio station KFRC in San Francisco, and soon started spending all his spare time there. He made his broadcast debut performing a comedy sketch he'd written on the station's popular coast-to-coast comedy-variety radio program, Blue Monday Jamboree.In 1936, Oppenheimer moved to Hollywood, where in his first week he was hired as a comedy writer on Fred Astaire's radio program. When Astaire's show ended the following year, Oppenheimer landed a job as a radio gag writer for Jack Benny. He later wrote comedy for such other variety programs as the "Chase and Sanborn Hour with Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy," "The Lifebuoy Program starring Al Jolson," "The Gulf Screen Guild Show," and "The Rudy Vallee Program." As a staff writer on those programs, Oppenheimer wrote sketch comedy for many Hollywood stars, including Fanny Brice, George Burns and Gracie Allen, Bing Crosby, Marlene Dietrich, Judy Garland, Bob Hope, and Ginger Rogers.With the start of World War II, Oppenheimer joined the United States Coast Guard and was posted to the Public Relations Departmen
[Ricky and Lucy are doing a show together] Ricky Ricardo: I've got a joke you never heard in your life. I know a girl who's so dumb she thinks a football coach has four wheels. Ha ha ha. [Audience is silent] Lucy Ricardo: How many wheels does it have? [Audience laughs]
Ricky Ricardo: Excuse me, Mrs. Shakespeare, but would you mind telling me what this is all about? Lucy Ricardo: Well, you see, all the women's clubs in town are having a big play-writing contest. Ricky Ricardo: I knew it, I knew it. This had to do with the Wednesday Afternoon Fang and Claw Society.…
Ricky Ricardo: [Ethel enters in a flowing black outfit bedecked with veils and gaudy jewelry] Who are you supposed to be? Lucy Ricardo: Well, what do you think? Ricky Ricardo: The Bride of Frankenstein? Ethel Mertz: Well! Lucy Ricardo: She's a Spanish senora. Ricky Ricardo: She suffers in the…
Here I am with all this talent bottled up inside of me and you're always sitting on the cork.
Ricky Ricardo: Now look, Lucy, we're not going to go over all this again. You cannot be in the show. Lucy Ricardo: Give me one good reason. Ricky Ricardo: You have no talent. Lucy Ricardo: Give me another good reason.
Lucy Ricardo: Now, what about boys your own age? Peggy: Oh, they're all so icky. Lucy Ricardo: They're icky, huh? Peggy: Yeah. Except Arthur... Arthur Morton. He's wonderful. He's got curly hair, big, sad eyes, and floppy ears. He looks like Gregory Peck. Lucy Ricardo: Sounds more like Lassie!
Arthur: But... You're a woman. Lucy Ricardo: Yes, my husband likes me that way.
Lucy Ricardo: They're going to kill us. Police Sergeant: Why would they do that? Lucy Ricardo: So they can assume our identities and blow up the capitol. Police Sergeant: This is serious. Lucy Ricardo: You're darned right it is! These people are spies from a foreign enemy agent. Police Sergeant:…
Ricky Ricardo: Lucy, were you snooping? Lucy Ricardo: Yes I was a bad girl and you can spank me tomorrow if there's anything left to spank!
Lucy Ricardo: I'm living on borrowed time. It was only by a very clever ruse that I managed to escape from their apartment. Police Sergeant: What was that? Lucy Ricardo: I pretended to be a chair. Police Sergeant: I don't think the police can help you madam, why don't you call an upholsterer?
Lucy Ricardo: Now really, Ricky, it's up to us to get Fred and Ethel back together again. Say you'll help me? Ricky Ricardo: Well, it would be nice. And I guess after you've gone through all this trouble and this far, the cast is dead. Lucy Ricardo: The cast is dead? Ricky Ricardo: Yeah, you know...…
Fred Mertz: She said my mother looks like a weasel. Lucy Ricardo: Ethel, apologize. Ethel Mertz: I'm sorry your mother looks like a weasel.
Fred Mertz: You don't think she's a kleptomaniac, do you? Ricky Ricardo: No, I think she just steals.
Ricky Ricardo: I was clearing out the desk and I found this. Lucy Ricardo: Why, it's our marriage license. Ricky Ricardo: Yeah. Lucy Ricardo: Well, what's the matter? Don't tell me it's expired!
Lucy Ricardo: Well it all started when I was a little girl. I was riding around on the streetcar and I looked up and there was a box and it said take one. So I took one. Dr. Tom Robinson: Well there was nothing wrong with that. Lucy Ricardo: Oh yes there waaaas. From then on, I took anything that…
Well, I'm your Vitavigavegivat Girl. Are you tired, run down, listless? Do you pop out at parties? Are you unpoopular? [pause] Well, are you? The answer to all your problems is in this little ol' bottle, Vitameatavegamin. [Checks the bottle label] That's it. Vitameatavegamin contains vitamins, meat,…
Don't ask questions, just get a knife and a fork and a bottle of ketchup and follow me to the biggest barbecue in the whole world.