Quote
Catalog

Max Goldman

21 quotes

All dickhead (3)Drinking (2)insults (2)Moron (2)ulcers (1)Nude Scene (1)Fighting (1)razor blades (1)Apathy (1)Bitch (1)medication (1)fatass (1)lottery (1)lowlife (1)penis jokes (1)

From “Grumpy Old Men”

Hey, watch your mouth you dumb friggin' Swede.

Swedophobia

Weatherman: Cold enough for ya? Brrrrrrr! Max Goldman: Oh, shut up, fatass.

Cold Weather fatass

Max Goldman: [Knows that John is hiding and listening, but can't give himself away] You mean the lowlife, asswipe, egg-sucker John Gustafson? Snyder: Have you seen him? Max Goldman: The man's crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their…

asswipe egg-sucker lowlife Drinking medication

Hey, dickhead, you win the lottery?

dickhead lottery

If I had known I would be doing a nude scene, I'd have asked for another million.

Nude Scene

Max Goldman: You're trying to steal her away like you did Mae. John Gustafson: Oh, well, I'll remind you, Einstein, that Mae was no prize. Max Goldman: She was to me. John Gustafson: I was married to the woman for 20 years, she was no prize! Max Goldman: She was to me. John Gustafson: Well, that's…

arguments Alzheimer's

Max Goldman: You know what Jacob said? Jacob said old Billy Hensel was killed in a car crash. Cleared his car straight off the bridge into the Mississippi. John Gustafson: Lucky bastard. Max Goldman: You bet. John Gustafson: Hey, how is he, anyway? Max Goldman: Dead! Died on impact! John Gustafson:…

Mississippi River Moron

Max Goldman: Good morning, dickhead. John Gustafson: Hello, moron.

dickhead Moron insults

Jacob: You're a child. Max Goldman: Don't tell me, Jacob; it isn't me. Jacob: Oh it never is. Uh huh, I'm sure John started every fight since 1940. Max Goldman: ’38.

Fighting Nitpicking

When I had my ulcers, I was farting razor blades.

ulcers Farting razor blades

Do me a favor. Put your lip over your head... and swallow.

insults

From “Grumpier Old Men”

Max: I knew your old man longer than I knew my own. John: He was always very fond of you, Max. Max: He was a good man. John: The best. Max: You know I didn't mean what I said about Melanie. John: And you know how I really feel about Jacob. Max: Yeah, well, he deserves to be happy. John: He deserves…

Drinking Memories

John Gustafson: This milk has chunks in it. Max Goldman: What's your point?

Sour Mllk Apathy

[TV on] Geraldo: ‘Lesbian Bandits’ next on Geraldo. Max: Ooooh, lesbians yummy.

Lesbians Geraldo Rivera Trash TV Yummy

John Gustafson: I am going down and apologizing to Maria. Max Goldman: You traitor, you Benedict Arnold. John Gustafson: Yeah, yeah. Max Goldman: Finally. I didn't think he would last that long. [Grabs milk and smells it] Max Goldman: Smells all right to me.

Apologies Traitor Benedict Arnold

John Gustafson: Here, drop anchor. Max Goldman: You cut the anchor, you dumbass. John Gustafson: All right, then grab the net. Max Goldman: You cut that, too, you dickhead.

Dumbass dickhead

Max: I am the gangster of love. John: Gangster, huh? So tell me, was it more of a holdup than a stickup? Max: Even your infantile penis jokes seem funny and witty this morning.

Gangster holdup stickup erectile dysfunction Juvenile

Maria: I haven't been with a man for a long time Max Goldman: Me, neither.

Sex Abstinence

[singing] I just met a girl named Maria! And now I plainly see, she's not the bitch I thought she would be!

West Side Story Bitch

If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.

dog ugly ass-shaving

M M WK &KK K& & WM MMWW& K & MWWW &WMWWKWW K & M MMWWWWW KWWMWWWWWWK &K KK&KKKK&M K WWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWW&KK KMMMM&K KM& KWWWWWWWWWWWW&&& KWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMWWWW&KMMMM&K K&K K&WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMM&WWWWWWWWWWWWWMMWMMMMWMMW&&&&&K &&K & WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMM&&MMMM&&&K&&KK&K K&M&&WWWWWW&KMMWWMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW&&K&&K&&KKKKKKKK&& K&&KMMMMWM&WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&K&&K&KKK KKK&K K&KMMMW&WWWWWWW&WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW&&M&&KK KKK KK &&&&MMMMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&MKK &&&KK KKK K&M&MMMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM& KK KM& KK&MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMWMK KK&KK&MM&M&K KMMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&&K KMMMWWM&KK &KKMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMM&&&M& KMWWWWWWWWWWWWWMKK KM &&&&M&MM&&MMMWMWMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMK&MKKKKKK &&MWWWWWWWWWWWWWMM&K K KKKK K K KMWMMWWWWWWWWWW&KK&K&& K&MWWWWM& K K&KMM&MWWWWWWWWWM&&K K&&KK &K&MMMWWWWMK KWWWWWWWM& MW KKKK K&WWW& &MMWWMM&K & WWW KWM K&& KKKKK K WWK K&&&M&K KK KK KWW K K K KMWMKKKKKK K KW WWWWK KKK&KKK &&K &KMMKK&K &KMMWW&K&M&KKK &M M& K&KKK&K K&KKKK&&MWWWWWWMM& K& KKK&WMWWWM&&&&K K K &KKK&MMMWM&K&&K K&KK&&&K K KKKK&&&M&&&&MM&KK&&M&MMWWWM&&&&K &KK KWWWWWWWWW&K KKK& K&K K&&&WMMMWWWWWWWWMMMMMM&MWMWMM&&&&K KMM&K&KK KK&&&&&&KK KK&K&&K K&KK&&MMMMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMWWMWWMM&&KK K K&MMMM&&K&&MMMMMMMMM&&KKK KKKKKKK K&MMMMWMWWMWMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMM&&& K K&MMM&&MMMMMWWWWWWWWMM&&KK KK&&KKK KMMMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&M&KK K MWMW& KKMMMMMMWWWWWWWWWWWWWMM&&& K&&&KKKK &WMMWWWWWWMWMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMM&&K WWWWW K&MMMWWMWWMWMWWWWWWWWWM&MK KK&&MM&KK &MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&&K && WWWWWWWMWW K&MMWWMMMMWWWWWWWWMWWWMMMK K&&MMWMMM&K &MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMM&K MW MWWWWWWWMWW &&MWWMMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMK K&WWWWWWWM&&K KWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMWWWWWWM&&K WW&K WWWWWWWMMWW &&WWMMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMW&K &MWWWWWWWWWWMK MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMWM&&K MW WWWWWWWWWW&W& KMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMWWMM &WWWWWWWWWM&KKK MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMMM&KK W&MWWWWWWWWWWWW

,.. . , : ,..: ,,, . . ::,. ,: , , :: , ,, , ., .. ., .,, .. . . , . . . , ., , . : : , : : :, ... . , :. . . , . .,.,: :, , . .. , : , . , .. :.. , . .:. : : :, , , . ..,:, : .: . : . : . . :: ,.. ,.. . : , ,, . , , ., ,,,:: ,, ,,. .. ,: . : , :,.. , . ,:: ,.., : ., :. : :. :...,,::., , ,: . .: :: , .... . . ..:. .:: . :, : . .,:. , , . ,: : . , ..: , .. ,:, , ,.,., :: :, .., : .. ::.: ,: : ,: :. , : ... .. , ,..,.. ..:, ,::: ,:: .. ,,. , :, . .::.:,,.,, .. .... ,:::: .,:: : .,, . :. , :. ,. , ,, . ,. ,::::: ..,: : ,, ,: :, , .:. . :, ::.:.. . , ,::::::: .,,: ,,: . : , : : .: .,,, ., . . ,::::::: .,:: :. . , . .,. , , ,. : . .,::::: ..,: . . : . ,,: :,, ., .. ,, . : :: .,,: ,. : . : :: .,,, ,:: ..,: . , . : . ,. ., , . : ..,:: : ..., :. , :. . , :.. .. , : .,:: ,,. . .. :: .., :. ,. :: ..,: : :. : . , :, . ,. . .,,.: ..,: .:, .: .. :,. . . ., : .,:: . : :,,, . . . : ., .,:: , ,: ,. , .., ., ::: .,:: . . .:: ..,: , ,. . ,, .,: ..,,: , ...: . ,. ., , ,: .,,: . , , ,: . ,:: . .,,: , . ,:,: .. ..,,: . , . ,.. .,.,,:: . ..,,: : .,..,:: . . . ...,,,: :,, . ...,,: . ........,,::: : . ... ...,,::

********}}}}}}}}}}}}}} < ~ } <<* } *} * } }}< * ~~ }<}*~< * << <<**}} ********}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}< < }}} * } < ~~* *~ * << ~ } ~<~ <<***}} <******}}}}}}}}}} }} ~ ~** }} < }<< * * } * *} ~<* * } ~~ ~< < ~<<***}} <******}}}}}}}}} }}}} < ~ } * ~ < * }* *<~ } } }* <<<***}} <*****}*}}}}}}} } * }~ } } *} ~* }* ~ < ~<<<***}} <<***}}}}}}}} ~ }} }* } } * < ~ ~~~<~<<*}} <<<***}}}}}}} } * < *~ ~* ~ ~~~<<<**}} ~<<***}}}}}}} * ~ } ** < } ~~~~<<<**} ~<<***}}}}}} * <} ~~ } } ~~~~<<**}} ~~<<**}}}}} }~ ~<< } ~ < ~~~~<<<**}} ~<<**}}}} } ~ ~~ } * ~ ~* ~~~~~~~<***} ~<<**}}} < **< ~ ~~~~<<***}} ~~<<**}} ~ * ~} ~~~~<<**}} ~~<**}} * ** ~ ~~~~<<**} ~<<**} } * ~ ~ ~ * ~~~<<**}} ~~<<*}} } * < } }}* ~ < ~~<<**}} ~<<**}} < < ** ~ }}}} ~ <}~~ ~~<<**}} ~<<**} * *} * ~~ ~~<<**}} ~~<**}} } * } **<<<}<}} < < ~ ~~<<**}} ~<<**}} ** ~} } }} <*}}}}} } }**} < } }~ }* ~~<<**} ~<***}} }< < <<} }<***}} } <} ~< ~ *} }~ ~} ~ ~~~<<**}} ~<**}} * <* *}*<~*} *~ }~*}} }<* < * ~ ~<<<**} ~<**}}} } } ~ < }< <}~* }} } * <} < *~ ~~<**}} ~<<**}} < <* ~ < } } ~ <}~ ~~<<**}} ~<<**}} } } } ~*} } *~ < ~~<<**}} ~<<**}}}} < } } <<~ ~* ~~~<<***} ~<***}**}} * } }}<* ~~<<**} ~<**}}}**~ } } }*<< ~~<<**} ~~<****}}*~ < }} << < ~~<<*}} ~~<***}}**} } * < ~~<<**}} ~~<<**}**< } } ~~*<~*} ~~<<**}} ~~<***** } }} ** * ~~<<**}} ~~~<*** } } * } ~~<<**}} ~~~<<< ~ * }*} } ~<<***} ~~~<< ~~ } }}} } ~~<<**}} ~<< ~ * } } * ~<<**}

j Uo V oU jjjjjoooojjjjjjjjj j ojjo VV oo U o jVjjooj j U jjjjjoojojjjjjjjj jjj j o j oo VUUoj jj oU jjjjjjoojjjjjjjj j j j V V j j o j j jjjj oVooj V UUo jjjjooojjjjjjjj jjj jo o U Vj j oU oUo V jjjjjojjjjjjjj jjjjjjo V U V V U j Vojoo U U jjjjooooojjjjj jjjj j oo ojojV o U Vj jjjjooooojjjj jjjjjj j j o U o jjjjooooojjjj jjjjjjj ooU UVoVVo UoVU o jjjjjjoojjjj jjjjjjjj joVoU V jjjjjoojjjj j jjjjjjjj o VoV VUUU V jjjjooojjjj jjjjjjjjjj oUooU U UUUVU UVUo jjoooojjj jjjjjjjjjjj VVVU UV U UUUVVUUVUVj jjjjjoojjo jjjjjjjjjj jVVVV VV UUo UUUUUVVVUooVVVoVo jjjjjoojjj jjjjjjjjjj o jVVVVU UUVVUVUU UUUUooooojVVooVo o jjjjoojjj jjjjjjjjjj VVVoVU Vjj jj jVU UooUUVjoVooVooooV jjjjjojjj jjjjjjojjj ooooVU Ujj o VjoooooooVVVoVo jjjjjojjj jjjjjjjojo jojo U UUU UUVjjoVVoUVoVUo jj jjjjjjjjj jjjjjjojo ojVU V UV U UUojooVUUU UVoj ooU UUU UVVVVVVVoVUUUo j jjjjjoojj jjjjoojj o o ooUUUUoj j jVU Voj oj jo jV UUUUUVVVVUVVUUUUV jjjjjjjojj jjjjooj j oV oj joVUU UUUVojojoVo j Uj jVUUUUUVUVUUU UUUV jjjjjjjjj jjjjojj jj oUV Uj oV jo UVUVoooU jVU oUoVVoU U UUU U jjjjjoojj jjj j VojojoUU Uo jjj jjU UooVVoU U U VU UojVoVVU U UUUj V jjjjooojj jjjjo jooooVUU V o j Uj oU UojooVV VoVVVUUUUU VooVUUoU Vj jjjjojooj jj j ooVVVVVUUo jVoV j UojjUU jo UUVjjoojjV U UUU UVVj V jjjjojooj jj ooV UVVVVoV o U Vj jU UVoooVVojooVU UU UVVo jjjjoojjj VVUU UVVjVjV UVojjj oV U VoVVojVUUVoVUU UUo jjjjojooj VVUU UU UUUoVojj oUU UoooVVoUU U VV jjjoooooj VVU VVo oVU UVoooVVVU U UVVV jjjoooooj VVU Vjj oV UVUoooVVUU UU UVV jjoooooj UVU Vjj jo VojoooVVUV UUVUVVo U jjjjoooj VVV Vjj V UVo VVVUU VoUVUVoUoo o o V jjjjjjoj oU Vo o UVj oVVU UUVVVUUVUoo j UUj jjjjjoo VV Vjj Uo jo VooVUUUVVoj j o jjjjjjj oU U V VVo j UooVUUUUooo j U jjjjjj jV V V UUVoj U VooVUUVVjoo o jjjjjj

W WWW KWWWWK MWWWWM&K&W&&M WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMM&&&M MMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&&KK & K&WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM K &K K&WWWWWWWWWWWWWWM& WWWWMK KK KWWWWWW&& MW& K MM KWWM W KKKK WM &&K K K KMK &WM&K MWWW& K&&K K&MWWWW&MMWM&K KMM&&MMMM& &&K &MWWWWWWWWWWWMK &MWWWWWWM& KM&K KWWWWWWWWWWWW&K KWW KMWWWWWWWWM KWWWMK KWWWWWWWWWWWW& &&MWWWW WWWWWWWWWW KWWWMKK WWWWWWWWWWWMK WWWWW KWWWWWWWWM MWWWWWWWWWW& MWWMWW W MWWWWWWWMK K KMK MMWWWWWWWWWMK WWWWW WW KMWWWWWW&M &WWWWM&K&&WWWWWWWM&& WWWW &W KWWWWWW&&&WWWWWWWWWMWWWWWMWM&M&K WM K&WMWWW&MWMMMMMKK K&MWWWWWMKKMK& & K &&WWM &WWM& K& K M &MWW K&&& K&WWMMM MK K&MM &MMK&&MMMMM&M&K &&K M K && K&&&&&K KKK WW KKK KK&&K WWW K K K KWWWW WWWWMMWMM WWWMM&WMKW MWMM&&M&&KM

. ,::::, . : : ,. ,, . ,. , . : , . ,: .,, , , : . . : :,,., : : .,, , . , : .. , , . ,, , :. . , . ,: , ., : .: : : , .. .,,,. : : , , . .,. .: , : . :, : : , .: , . , . . .: . . ., , . .: . . . .. .,: . : , ......, . ,: . ...,.,: : :. ,. .,: .....,...: :.: .: .....,,,.,,: . ....,,,,,..,. ,,. . .....,,,,,. ,, . , .. ...,,.... : . , ,. ...,.... ,, ,, :. .: :, ...... :: , . . ,: :, .... , .: :. , , : , :, . . , :, ., : :. ,. :: ,. ..: :::

***}}}}} ~ < ~<** < ~ < <*} ***}}}} ~ * ~~ * <*} <*}}}} ~ } < ~<*} <*}}} } ~~<* <*}} * ~ ~~<*} ~*} ~~ ~ ~ ~*} <*} < } * ~ ~<* ~<} } }*}} ~* ~<* ~*} }} < }** ** < ~~ ~<* <*} < }~ } * ~~ ~<* <*} } *~ ~<* <}}< } * < ~<* <*} * } <* ~<*} ~<* ~ } } ~*} < } } <*} ~ <} }}* ** }} ~ <} } ~*} < < } ~*} }<< ~ ~* ~*} }***~<<*}<~ } }* * <* ~ < } ~ } <*} **~ }< < ~<*}} ***<~ }< } ~ ~<**}} ****<<~ *} **}}*<< *}}} ******<~ <*} *~*<<<} * <<****<<<~ <} }}< ~~<* ~ <<<<<<<*<<~~ <} }< ~<**} ~~~~~<<<<<<<~~ < < <*} }<~ <**}}}

j jjV V o j jjjjjjj jj oV jU j o oVooUU jjjjjj jj V jjjjj jjj jVVoVjjU jjjjj jjo oV VU U jjjj jjjo jV U U UVooUo jjjj jjjj oo o jU VjoooV jjjj jjjo oV VVojV Uj jU UVoVV j jjjj jjo U V j UVoVV j oVV U jjjj jo ooU U o U joU U UU oVV U jjjj j jUUVoo Uo ooVVU V jjoo j Uj U oVU UV jjoo U j jjV VVo o V joo j j VoUo joo V Vj jVVo U j jo VVj Vo VjVo jj V oo oV U V VoVo j V o U UUVj j j o jo U jo j V U Uj o jo V U j U U V U jjo UUV o oU UU UVUUVUo V jj oVoV UU UVVVoVV j j oojVUU UVU VVU UVojojjo o o jjoVUUU UV UVoo oUUUUVj joVUU UUUUU UUVjj oV UVVV j j joVUUUUUUUVo jjVVVVVoo j joVVVVooo jooVVVoo U j jj jjooooo V

Related People