“Jill Taylor: [discussing Jill's upcoming job interview] Tim, do you ever listen to me? It was the last thing that I said in bed to you last night. Tim Taylor: No; I believe, if you recall, the last thing you said to me in bed last night was 'NO!' Jill Taylor: [smirking] You're thinking of tonight.”Tagged: Listening, not tonight
“Tim: Jill got mad at me because I didn't listen to her. Wilson: No, I think she got mad at you because you blew up the damn dishwasher.”Tagged: Mad, Listening, arguments
“Tim Taylor: I don't know what it is about football and me; I'm obsessed, I think. Wilson: Well, why do you think that is, Tim? Tim Taylor: I think it's 'cause I love it, Wilson. I love the surprise, and the strategy, and the strength, and the big guys with the logos and the colorful helmets, the…”Tagged: Football, Obsession
“Jill Taylor: Tim, what do you actually know about installing a satellite dish? Tim Taylor: It's simple. Mount it, point it straight up. Any man could do that. Jill Taylor: Yeah, but it has to stay up longer than ten seconds.”Tagged: Husband-Bashing
“Tim: What about you, Wilson? What are you afraid of? Wilson: I do have one underlying fear, Tim—I'm afraid that reality, as we know it, is someone else's dream. When the dreamer wakes, I'll no longer exist. Tim: ...Wilson, I wouldn't share that with too many people.”Tagged: Fear, Dreams, Insanity
“Tim Taylor: A live chicken? Brad, who the hell do you hang out with? Brad Taylor: Mom... Jill Taylor: What? Brad Taylor: Dad's cussing. Tim Taylor: I wasn't cussing. Mark Taylor: He said a bad word. Tim Taylor: It wasn't bad. Randy Taylor: Yeah, he said 'hell' and 'damn'. Tim Taylor: I did not say…”Tagged: Cussing
“You know why I like tools? Because they fix things—you tear down a motor, see the problem, it's right there—boom; it's fixed. I wish I could fix things between us that easily.”Tagged: Tools
“Jill: What, do you have rocks in your head? Don't you think? Tim: Let's talk about who doesn't think for a minute—who drove around for two days with the oil light on? Jill: Wait—I thought you said you weren't going to bring up the oil light. Tim: With all those rocks in my head, sometimes I don't…”Tagged: Husband-Bashing, arguments
“Tim: It's a warning light; didn't it occur to you there might be a little problem? Jill: I thought if there was a problem with the car that the light would get brighter, or there would be a buzzer. Tim: A buzzer? It's a car, not a game show.”Tagged: warning light, buzzer, game show
“Tonight, when I'm cookin' that chili, I'll cut up this cauliflower, and we'll tell them we've got rabbit brains in there.”Tagged: chili, cauliflower, rabbit brains, Absurd, Gross
“Jill Taylor: I thought you said it was a technical problem. Tim Taylor: Technically, I was the problem.”Tagged: technical problem
“Tim Taylor: I'm gonna let you guys in on a little secret, all right? Women, as we know them, are born without a face. Randy Taylor: Bull! Tim Taylor: Listen to me—women are like a Mr. Potato Head. You've heard your mom say every now and then, 'Excuse me, fellas, I've gotta go upstairs and put my…”Tagged: Women, Mr. Potato Head, Put your face on, Makeup
“Tim Taylor: I like to create, Wilson. Everything I do, I wanna make bigger and better. Wilson: Well, Tim, this obsessive desire to create partly happens because men feel inferior to women. [Tim grunts, perplexed] It's because we can't bear children. Tim Taylor: Ah, I don't mind the boys that much.…”Tagged: Misandry, Giving Birth
“Jill Taylor: They broke the mirror, they put in the wrong tiling, we've got a cement... Jill Taylor: [suddenly seeing her new whirlpool bath] Oh, wow, wow, what's this? Tim Taylor: This is what will make it all worthwhile: Your new whirlpool. Jill Taylor: Oh, Tim, it's so beautiful. Look at the…”Tagged: Women and Shower Nozzles, Whirlpool
“This is an excuse, women, and you're not the type to have excuses. You need to be taught. I don't think you're stupid just 'cause you don't know anything....You know, I—that didn't come out right.”Tagged: excuses, insults
“Mark Taylor: I have a woman—Mommy. Randy Taylor: Your mommy can't be your woman, doofus. Tim Taylor: A lot of men pay a psychiatrist a lot of money to figure that one out.”Tagged: Mommy Issues
“Jill: We're keeping score. Tim: I thought you didn't want to keep score. Jill: Oh, is the great big, bad bowling man afraid his itty-bitty wife is going to beat him? Tim: Is the itty-bitty wife afraid the big, bad bowling man is going to leave her in the PARKING LOT?”Tagged: arguments, keeping score, itty-bitty
“Jill Taylor: [the family's out camping and Tim just got back from the car] Oh thank God, I was getting worried. I heard this awful howling. Tim Taylor: Oh, that was me. Couldn't find any leaves, had to use a pine cone.”Tagged: public defecation, no toilet paper
“Al: Anyone can do what you do. Tim: Oh, really? You think you could do what I do? Al: Oh, please. How hard could it be to tell bad jokes and screw up all the time? Tim: A lot harder than it looks.”Tagged: Self-deprecation
“Tim: How many times have you been married? Fred: Three. Tim: Why do you suppose that is? Fred: I can't find a woman who understands me.”Tagged: Marriage, Misunderstood, Self-awareness