Season 1

“Don't talk to me about Christmas, will ya? All that sticky, phony goodwill. I'd like to get a giant candy cane and beat the wings off a sugar plum fairy.”

— Ron Friedman, Oscar Madison, Jack Klugman, imdb.com

“Felix Unger: [Felix is apologizing to Randy's mother for Uncle Oscar's earlier behavior as a Big Brother] We weren't too well organized last week. All I can do is apologize. Mr Madison has certain primeval characteristics. But I promise you, no more pool halls, and no more unbalanced meals. Mrs. Gra…”

— Perry Grant, Dick Bensfield, Felix Unger, Tony Randall, imdb.com

“What's this all about? and it better be good... my wife thinks I'm fooling around with the meter maid.”

— harvey miller, Bill Idelson, Officer Murray Greshler, Al Molinaro, imdb.com

“Felix, Felix, Felix! You're a nice little boy, but why do you have to be so gosh darned clean? If there are two things that nobody likes, it's a dirty old man, and a clean little boy.”

— Bill Manhoff, Grandpa Unger, Tony Randall, imdb.com

“Teddy: You already have a great job. You host a national radio show from your apartment. If you want you could do it naked, or eating a pizza, or getting a massage. If you play your cards right, you could do all three at once. Oscar: That is the dream.”

— Matthew Perry, Neil Simon, Oscar Madison, Matthew Perry, imdb.com

“So I get to put on a suit and talk about how great you are? I was hoping to avoid that until your funeral.”

— Neil Simon, Oscar Madison, Matthew Perry, imdb.com

“Felix: Well today I take a stand for every boy that was limber and laughed at. Emily: Maybe don't do a ballet pose when you say that? Felix: It's just the way my body rests.”

— Matthew Perry, Neil Simon, Felix Unger, Thomas Lennon, imdb.com

“Oscar: I didn't just win, I beat you like a dirty rug. Felix: Okay, except nobody cleans rugs like that anymore because we don't live on The Waltons.”

— Matthew Perry, Neil Simon, Felix Unger, Thomas Lennon, imdb.com

“Felix: You just wanted to beat me so you could feel superior. Well guess what sir, you have poked the dragon! And you would know what that means if you'd watched even one Game of Thrones with me. Oscar: I don't need to watch the show to know that it's bad to poke the dragon.”

— Matthew Perry, Neil Simon, Felix Unger, Thomas Lennon, imdb.com

“Oscar: And you're welcome to play on my softball team any time, you're quite a bunter. Felix: Since we're being honest, I did not know what bunting was, I was swinging as hard as I could.”

— Matthew Perry, Neil Simon, Oscar Madison, Matthew Perry, imdb.com

“Murph, you probably hear this all the time, but carry me to the bedroom!”

— Matthew Perry, Neil Simon, Oscar Madison, Matthew Perry, imdb.com

“Murph, lift with your legs or you could literally burst your balls.”

— Matthew Perry, Neil Simon, Felix Unger, Thomas Lennon, imdb.com

“Emily: Oh, hey, Oscar, did I wake you? Oscar: No, I'm always up at this hour to milk the cows, make sure Ma is warming the griddle.”

— Matthew Perry, Neil Simon, Oscar Madison, Matthew Perry, imdb.com

“Felix: What else did I do? Was I also brushing my teeth for hours because the battery was totally run down? Oscar: Yes, yes you were.”

— Matthew Perry, Neil Simon, Felix Unger, Thomas Lennon, imdb.com

“Chris Webber: Why is the little guy so troubled? Dani: He's cranky, he needs a nap.”

— Neil Simon, Matthew Perry, Dani, Yvette Nicole Brown, imdb.com

“Felix: I was trying to be a good friend. Oscar: If you were a good friend you would have been honest with me. Felix: Fine, Paolo was a 28-year-old Brazilian gymnast with family money. Oscar: Not that honest.”

— Neil Simon, Matthew Perry, Felix Unger, Thomas Lennon, imdb.com

“Oscar: Hey Gab, so where are we on the hugging situation? Gabby: Well, since I want to murder you right now, the thought of touching you makes me sick. Oscar: Wow it's like you never left.”

— Wendell Pierce, Neil Simon, Oscar Madison, Matthew Perry, imdb.com

“Gabby: Hey, Teddy, you look great. Teddy: Tell Diane that, she keeps leaving gym memberships under my pillow.”

— Neil Simon, Teddy, Wendell Pierce, imdb.com

“Felix: Okay here's something. One plane ticket to Beijing. Oscar: Oh right, this one wanted to see China when we have a perfectly good Chinatown right here in New York. Gabby: Oh I'm sorry, this one wanted to expand her horizons. You won't even go to Chinatown. Oscar: They deliver.”

— Neil Simon, Matthew Perry, Felix Unger, Thomas Lennon, imdb.com

“Oscar: Wait, is this all part of your master plan? Gabby: What do you mean? Oscar: We get back together, you divorce me, and you get half of the half I have left?”

— Neil Simon, Matthew Perry, Oscar Madison, Matthew Perry, imdb.com