“A giant asteroid might destroy Earth! Unfortunately, it won’t get here until 2135, so it looks like I still have to do the dishes.”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: Death, Earth, asteroid
“So, if @SpeedoUSA dropped Ryan Lochte, does that mean they need a new spokesperson? I already waxed my bikini zone.”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: Swimming, ryan lochte, bathing suit
“I got my iPhone wet! I don’t have a bag of rice to drop it in, but a bag of sashimi works, too, right?”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: Phone, food, Technology
“Question for all you sommeliers out there: What vintage would you recommend pairing with this half-eaten Snickers I found in my desk?”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: Wine, chocolate, food
“Anyone want to adopt a bumblebee? He’s flying around my bedroom right now; just knock on the closet door once you’ve picked him up.”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: bugs, Bees, Funny
“Wow, Donald Trump really looked presidential in Mexico. Might want to stay there!”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: Election, Donald Trump, President, Mexico
“Just 62 days out from the election, and 135 days until Obama resumes smoking in public.”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: Election, President, Obama, smoking
“People who are having dinner with me tonight, please watch Formation first so you feel included in the convo.”— Mindy Kaling, twitter.comTagged: Music, Beyonce, Dinner
“WHAT. Sherlock Holmes brother also created the show Sherlock?! Oh man he really is smart.”— Mindy Kaling, twitter.comTagged: sherlock, Writing, Intelligence
“Hey, awards show speech givers, none of us can see the countdown clock, mentioning it means nothing to us, it's like talking about a dream.”— Mindy Kaling, twitter.comTagged: award show, Dreams, Advice
“Being obsessed with crime shows is the new green drink for girls.”— Mindy Kaling, twitter.comTagged: crime shows, Murder, obsessions, trends
“I'm on the Today Show tomorrow offering up my doable New Years resolutions! Just kidding, F resolutions, I'm talking bout books I love!”— Mindy Kaling, twitter.comTagged: Books, Resolutions, New Year
“100% of my crushes are born in my procrastination to write.”— Mindy Kaling, twitter.comTagged: procrastination, Writing, crushes
“Making a murderer or the first Serial? I need to know which murder thing to be obsessed with. Thanks.”— Mindy Kaling, twitter.comTagged: Murder, Television, obsessions
“Don't ever tell me the person you think I look like. It will offend me, and my reaction will offend you.”— Mindy Kaling, twitter.comTagged: offended, comparison, reactions
“I feel a lot of pressure to buy a drone.”— Mindy Kaling, twitter.comTagged: drone, pressure, electronics
“When people Instagram photos of them looking silly or stupid I feel like they are successful and sane.”— Mindy Kaling, twitter.comTagged: Instagram, Success, photographs, Sanity
“When people Instagram inspirational quotes it makes me feel like their lives are falling apart.”— Mindy Kaling, twitter.comTagged: Inspirational, Instagram, Motivational, Quotes
“"Super Bowl 50? Oh, you mean Super Bowl L." Me, classics major, very popular at my viewing party.”— Mindy Kaling, twitter.comTagged: super bowl, Football, classy