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via twitter.com

by Caroline Caldwel, carli cottee, Paulo Coelho, Warsan Shire, Rudy Francisco and 1 others(941 total)

A giant asteroid might destroy Earth! Unfortunately, it won’t get here until 2135, so it looks like I still have to do the dishes.

— Stephen Colbert, twitter.com

Death Earth asteroid

So, if @SpeedoUSA dropped Ryan Lochte, does that mean they need a new spokesperson? I already waxed my bikini zone.

— Stephen Colbert, twitter.com

Swimming ryan lochte bathing suit

I got my iPhone wet! I don’t have a bag of rice to drop it in, but a bag of sashimi works, too, right?

— Stephen Colbert, twitter.com

Phone food Technology

Question for all you sommeliers out there: What vintage would you recommend pairing with this half-eaten Snickers I found in my desk?

— Stephen Colbert, twitter.com

Wine chocolate food

Anyone want to adopt a bumblebee? He’s flying around my bedroom right now; just knock on the closet door once you’ve picked him up.

— Stephen Colbert, twitter.com

bugs Bees Funny

Wow, Donald Trump really looked presidential in Mexico. Might want to stay there!

— Stephen Colbert, twitter.com

Election Donald Trump President Mexico

Just 62 days out from the election, and 135 days until Obama resumes smoking in public.

— Stephen Colbert, twitter.com

Election President Obama smoking

People who are having dinner with me tonight, please watch Formation first so you feel included in the convo.

— Mindy Kaling, twitter.com

Music Beyonce Dinner

WHAT. Sherlock Holmes brother also created the show Sherlock?! Oh man he really is smart.

— Mindy Kaling, twitter.com

sherlock Writing Intelligence

Hey, awards show speech givers, none of us can see the countdown clock, mentioning it means nothing to us, it's like talking about a dream.

— Mindy Kaling, twitter.com

award show Dreams Advice

Being obsessed with crime shows is the new green drink for girls.

— Mindy Kaling, twitter.com

crime shows Murder obsessions trends

I'm on the Today Show tomorrow offering up my doable New Years resolutions! Just kidding, F resolutions, I'm talking bout books I love!

— Mindy Kaling, twitter.com

Books Resolutions New Year

100% of my crushes are born in my procrastination to write.

— Mindy Kaling, twitter.com

procrastination Writing crushes

Making a murderer or the first Serial? I need to know which murder thing to be obsessed with. Thanks.

— Mindy Kaling, twitter.com

Murder Television obsessions

Don't ever tell me the person you think I look like. It will offend me, and my reaction will offend you.

— Mindy Kaling, twitter.com

offended comparison reactions

I feel a lot of pressure to buy a drone.

— Mindy Kaling, twitter.com

drone pressure electronics

When people Instagram photos of them looking silly or stupid I feel like they are successful and sane.

— Mindy Kaling, twitter.com

Instagram Success photographs Sanity

When people Instagram inspirational quotes it makes me feel like their lives are falling apart.

— Mindy Kaling, twitter.com

Inspirational Instagram Motivational Quotes

"Super Bowl 50? Oh, you mean Super Bowl L." Me, classics major, very popular at my viewing party.

— Mindy Kaling, twitter.com

super bowl Football classy

Jelly donuts are my jam hahaha.

— Mindy Kaling, twitter.com

Donuts jelly jam Puns

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