“Why do chicken coups always have two doors? With four, they’d be chicken sedans.”— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com
“What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look I'm about to change.”— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com
“My dad told me it was time to hit the sack, so I kicked him in the balls.”— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com
“Don't be a chaser. Be the one who gets chased. You are the tequila, not the lime.”— Evan Todd, twitter.com
“I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest... It's his altar ego.”— GabeRothel, reddit.com
“I met some chess players in a hotel lobby. They were bragging about how good they were. It was chess nuts bragging in an open foyer.”— porichoygupto, reddit.com
“People say smoking will give you diseases but how can they say that when it cures salmon.”— Fobibbly, reddit.com
“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.”— Mitch Hedberg, twitter.com
“If the girl in my class could get through her presentation after her nudes on Google Drive were projected to the whole class, I can get through finals week.”— @coll3enshanahan, twitter.com
“I don't really like jokes. I don't think they're funny.”— Bob Nickman, Bill Haverchuck, Martin Starr, imdb.com
“It's amazing how many people I get who are either at home sick, recovering from something, or in the hospital for some reason. New fans are always like, ‘I’ve never seen your show before and I was home recovering from surgery and...you're funny!’ So the more people who get sick, the better for me, i…”— Ellen Degeneres, goodhousekeeping.com
“Everybody thinks they have style, and everybody thinks they're funny. Most people aren't.”— James Wong, Tim Minear, Marcy, Christine Esterbrook, imdb.com
“Take a deep breath. It's been proven to prevent explosions in small women.”— I. Marlene King, Emily Fields, Shay Mitchell, imdb.com
“Look in the mirror and repeat, “I’m alone, totally alone,” until you start to cry. Tears are weakness leaking out of the body, and you have to purge yourself of all weakness before you can begin. This thing is freaking heavy.”— Bizzy Coy, newyorker.com
“The election had an apocalyptic feel to it. There was a way in which Trump was funny, so you could be apocalyptic and funny at the same time. It’s a strange combination, but it’s somehow very powerful psychologically.”— Peter Thiel, nytimes.com
“Mona: Did you lose your v-card? Hannah: No! Nothing happened. Mona: Well, that was a waste of water.”— Francesca Rollins, Oliver Goldstick, Hanna Marin, Ashley Benson, imdb.com
“Mona: What gives, Velma? Did you have a nasty dream last night about Shaggy? Hannah: I was in the shower with him. Mona: Oh, talk about a wet dream. Hannah: No, it wasn't a dream. He took a shower at my place.”— Francesca Rollins, Oliver Goldstick, Hanna Marin, Ashley Benson, imdb.com