“Jerry: 'I really wish I could have your body.' Tom: 'What?' April: 'Eww, like tied up naked in your basement?' Jerry: 'No, no I mean you’re in good shape and you can eat whatever you want.' Leslie: 'That was weird, Jerry.'”— Jerry Gergich, Tom Haverford, April Ludgate, Leslie Knope, amazon.com
“OK, everyone: shut up! And look at me! Welcome to ‘Visions of Nature.’ This room has several paintings in it. Some are big, some are small. People did them and they’re here now. I believe that after this is over, they’ll be hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show…”— Ron Swanson, amazon.com
“I’m fine. It’s just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I’m always tired.”— Andy Dwyer, amazon.com
“My body is finely tuned, like a microchip, and the flu is like a grain of sand. It could literally shut down the entire system.”— Chris Traeger, amazon.com
“We have a couple of house rules, though. You can’t use the front door. You have to climb in through the back window. No personal phone conversations. If you ever speak to me in Spanish, please use the formal ‘usted.’ And no electricity after 6:00 PM. A couple more rules: if you ever watch a sad movi…”— April Ludgate, amazon.com
“One time I waited outside a woman’s house for five days just to show her how serious I was about wanting to drill her. Turns out, it was the wrong house. She loved the story anyway. We got to third base. Over the pants.”— Jean-Ralphio, amazon.com
“How do you make any event classy on a budget? Red carpet. My entire apartment is red carpet. On top of that, leading into my bedroom, a second red carpet. Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.”— Tom Haverford, amazon.com
“Idaho cut their parks department by 80 percent. And Idaho is basically one giant park.”— Ben Wyatt, amazon.com
“I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.”— Matt Groening, Mr. Burns, amazon.com
“You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try.'”— Matt Groening, Homer Simpson, amazon.com
“Rachel: ‘Go tell him he’s cute, what’s the worst that could happen?’ Monica: ‘He could hear me.’”— Rachel Green, Monica Geller, amazon.com