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Quotes tagged ‘humor’

(1220 total)

Own a nightclub, call it Eclipse, that’s only open for one hour two times a year. Cover charge? Five thousand dollars.

— Tom Haverford, amazon.com

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how pissed is he?

— Tom Haverford, amazon.com

I’m sorry, I have to ask this, but how many legs did that dog have when you found him?

— Ben Wyatt, amazon.com

The raccoon problem is under control. They have their part of the town and we have ours.

— Leslie Knope, amazon.com

There is only one bad word: taxes.

— Ron Swanson, amazon.com

I have no idea what I’m doing, but I know I’m doing it really, really well.

— Andy Dwyer, amazon.com

I think you’ve got several options. They’re all terrible…but you have them.

— Chris Traeger, amazon.com

I really only listen to, like, German death reggae, Halloween sound effects from the 1950s, and Bette Midler. Obviously.

— April Ludgate, amazon.com

As Leslie’s Maid of Honor, I really need her bachelorette party to go well, which is why I’m stress-eating these gummy penises.

— Anne Perkins, amazon.com

Jean-Ralphio: 'Ben...Is that your real name?' Ben: 'Yes...?' Jean-Ralphio: 'Oh you could do better than that. I’m gonna help you out right now, your name is... Angelo. Angelo thank you so much for coming out. Get a thicker tie, it looks weird on you. It makes your head look like a fish. Secondly, I…

— Jean-Ralphio, Ben Wyatt, amazon.com

Use him. Abuse him. Lose him. That’s the Meagle motto.

— Donna Meagle, amazon.com

Most people would say ‘the deets’, but I say ‘the tails’. Just another example of innovation.

— Tom Haverford, amazon.com

No, that’s Buckingham Palace. Hogwarts is fictional. You do know that, don’t you? It’s important to me that you know that.

— Ben Wyatt, amazon.com

Calzones are pointless. They’re just pizza that’s harder to eat. No one likes them.

— Leslie Knope, amazon.com

History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.

— Ron Swanson, amazon.com

I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and broke everything.

— Andy Dwyer, amazon.com

I promised myself I was not going to cry tonight, and I’ve already broken that promise five times. But I will not break it a sixth.

— Chris Traeger, amazon.com

Horizons are dumb. Never broaden your horizons.

— April Ludgate, amazon.com

Jogging is the worst. I know it keeps you healthy, but god, at what cost?

— Anne Perkins, amazon.com

I hope you brought a change of clothes because your eyes are about to piss tears.

— Jean-Ralphio, amazon.com

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