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Quotes tagged ‘joke’

(331 total)

Ash: Holy pickle dicks, it's Lillian Pendergrass! Kelly: What's a Lillian Pendergrass? Ash: That beautiful creature right there. I'd know that caboose from anywhere. Kelly: Are you having a stroke? Ash: Hey, you say that now, back in the day, Lillian Pendergrass was a smoking hot former gymnast turn…

— Cameron Welsh, Kelly Maxwell, Dana DeLorenzo, imdb.com

Ash: Okay, look, there is no way in hell they're gonna stay here, 'cause they're gonna get possessed, then they're gonna be on the night train to Kill-adelphia. Kelly: With stops in Choke-lahoma City, and Die-ami. Ash: Nice. Kelly: I thought you'd like that.

— Rob Wright, Kelly Maxwell, Dana DeLorenzo, imdb.com

Militia: I'm gonna get you pregnant later. Kelly: Won't your sister be jealous of us?

— Ivan Raimi, Sean Clements, Dominic Dierkes, Kelly Maxwell, Dana DeLorenzo, imdb.com

Life is hard and dangerous, and sometimes you just gotta chop off somebody's head to survive.

— Ivan Raimi, Sean Clements, Dominic Dierkes, Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams, Bruce Campbell, imdb.com

Ash: Eli! You can speak?! Eli: In here I can. It's your trip, Jefe. Ash: Nice, you know I've always wanted to talk to you. Uh, just don't mention the stuff I do in the trailer when we're there alone. Eli: Never. Ash: All right then.

— James Eagan, Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams, Bruce Campbell, imdb.com

Pablo: Kelly, you need to be careful of revenge. My uncle, he always said, 'Pablito, beware anger, fear revenge." If once you start down that path, forever, it will dominate your destiny. Consume you, it will.' Kelly: Did you just Yoda quote me?

— Nate Crocker, Pablo Simon Bolivar, Ray Santiago, imdb.com

Brujo: Come, I'll look inside of you. Ash: Good, check the old prostate while you're in there?

— James Eagan, Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams, Bruce Campbell, imdb.com

Ash: Well, now that you're back, what's your big plan? Suzy: Well, just try to get everything back to normal. Ash: Normal? Ha. What's normal? Suzy: Family, work. Ash: Work? Work, where? Suzy: Oh, I'm an English teacher. Ash: What grade? Suzy: Tenth. Ash: What's your favorite book? Suzy: 'The Old Man…

— Dominic Dierkes, Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams, Bruce Campbell, imdb.com

Kelly: Touch me again, and you're gonna need another wooden hand. Ash: Okay, wait. Another wooden hand in place of my real hand, or another wooden hand in place of my wooden hand? Kelly: Your real hand!

— Sam Raimi, Tom Spezialy, Ivan Raimi, Kelly Maxwell, Dana DeLorenzo, imdb.com

Ash: Sweet musical Jesus, that's your friend? Oh, she's filthy and fine! Pablo: She's very attractive, I know. Hey, I try not to look at her like that. Ash: That must be difficult. Pablo: It is. She haunts my dreams. Just kidding. She does, though.

— Sam Raimi, Tom Spezialy, Ivan Raimi, Pablo Simon Bolivar, Ray Santiago, imdb.com

Shadow: I think I'm losing my mind. Wednesday: Well, when will you know for sure?

— Maria Melnik, Mr. Wednesday, Ian McShane, imdb.com

Wednesday: I offer you the worm from my beak and you look at me like I fucked your mom. Shadow: Sorry, no. You're just the first person I talked to that wasn't an asshole. Wednesday: Give me time.

— Bryan Fuller, Michael Green, Mr. Wednesday, Ian McShane, imdb.com

Gates: I hope you know what you're doing. Captain Flint: So do I.

— Doris Egan, Captain Flint, Toby Stephens, imdb.com

Let's beach this bitch.

— Brad Kane, Captain Flint, Toby Stephens, imdb.com

Be honest. Are you as surprised as I am that I'm the only one here behaving myself?

— Robert Levine, Jonathan E. Steinberg, Captain Charles Vane, Zach McGowan, imdb.com

I suppose getting burned as a witch is better than freezing to death.

— Toni Graphia, Claire Randall, Caitriona Balfe, imdb.com

Claire: Hasten ye back or else. Jamie: Or else what? Claire: Or else I'll follow you and drag you back by your long red curls. And you won't like it one bit. Jamie: No, I'm sure I wouldna like it.

— Toni Graphia, Jamie Fraser, Sam Heughan, imdb.com

Jamie: Remember we used to argue which was the bigger sin. Fornication or killing. We worried whether we would go to hell. Ian: Well, if you're going to hell... I might as well go, too. God knows you'll never manage alone.

— Toni Graphia, Jamie Fraser, Sam Heughan, imdb.com

Claire: It's alright. It is possible to deliver a breach baby. I may have to reach inside and guide it out. Jenny: Alright. But, you'll be fetching me a good stiff dram before we start. Claire: In that case, the baby will likely be drunk, too. Jenny: Then he'll come into the world a true Scot.

— Toni Graphia, imdb.com

Jamie: I need a whisky. Claire: You've had enough. You need liquids. Water or broth. Jamie: Whisky's a liquid, no? Claire: No.

— Joy Blake, Jamie Fraser, Sam Heughan, imdb.com

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