“A giant asteroid might destroy Earth! Unfortunately, it won’t get here until 2135, so it looks like I still have to do the dishes.”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: Death, Earth, asteroid
“I hate it when I get a song stuck in my head -- but it's better than getting it stuck in my liver.”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: Music, Songs, Funny
“Such a great weekend -- went out to the beach and binge-watched the sunset.”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: Sunset, Nature, binge watched
“In school I learned to pretend to read Moby Dick.”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: School, Education, Reading, Books
“Still struggling to lose my holiday weight from 2006.”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: weight loss, Weight, Holidays
“Another day, another dollar. I've really got to renegotiate my contract.”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: Money, Work, paycheck
“Fun Fact! Techno music got its name because it is technocally music.”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: techno, Music, Songs
“Wow, Donald Trump really looked presidential in Mexico. Might want to stay there!”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: Election, Donald Trump, President, Mexico
“Anyone want to adopt a bumblebee? He’s flying around my bedroom right now; just knock on the closet door once you’ve picked him up.”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: bugs, Bees, Funny
“They're putting a woman on the $10 bill. And if they make it your grandma she won't even have to sign your birthday card.”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: Money, Women, birthday
“My dog used to bring me the newspaper, but now he just forwards me links.”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: Dogs, Pets, newspaper, Internet
“Question for all you sommeliers out there: What vintage would you recommend pairing with this half-eaten Snickers I found in my desk?”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: Wine, chocolate, food
“Does anyone know where we can buy one of those "100 Days Without A Workplace Accident" signs? Ours has a lot of dried blood on it.”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: Blood, Accidents, Work
“If I was on a desert island and could only have one book, I'd choose "Atlas Shrugged." Because that's 1,088 pieces of toilet paper.”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: Books, Reading, Island
“It’s the fifth night of Hanukkah! Only one shopping day until the sixth night of Hanukkah!”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: hanukkah, Holidays, Shopping
“Man, who'd have thought it'd be June already? Anyone with a calendar, I guess. I've got to start thinking these tweets through better.”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: June, calendar, Time
“Ugh, I’ve been waiting at this DMV forever. What do I have to do, come back when they’re open?!”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: DMV, Cars, Patience
“If you know what you're doing, every axe can be a battle-axe.”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: axe, battle axe, weapon
“I can't wait for the next Mad Max movies: Bargaining Max, Depression Max, and finally, Acceptance Max.”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: mad max, Anger, Depression, bargaining
“Will I understand "Jurassic World" if I didn't see "Triassic World?"”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: jurassic world
“They say if you want to get something done, give it to a busy person. Still, The Rock hasn't even started cleaning out my basement.”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: the rock, celebs, Busy
“I want this tweet to go viral. So imagine a kitten getting hit in the nuts with a leaked photo of the iPhone 7.”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: Viral, kitten, iPhone
“The new Late Show will have so many surprises for you! For me, too. I tend to nod off during meetings.”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: Surprises, Meetings, Naps
“U-S-A! S-O-C-C-E-R! C-O-N-G-R-A-T-U-L-A-T-I-O-N-S O-N T-H-E B-I-G W-I-N! Y-O-U A-R-E A-N I-N-S-P-I-R-A-T-I-O-N T-O U-S A-L-L! #LSSC”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: soccer, Inspirational, Sports
“BP is paying $18.7 bil for their Deepwater Horizon oil spill—that comes out to roughly $18.7 bil for every planet they're destroying.”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: oil spill, Earth, Destruction
“Taking my kids to see 'Magic Mike XXL' tonight. Don't know what it's about, but my kids are crazy about magic!”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: magic mike, Magic, Movies, Parenting
“Hey Neil deGrasse Tyson, I’m sick of you hitting Pluto below the Kuiper Belt. Come here and pick on someone in your own orbit!”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: neil degrasse tyson, planets, pluto, celebs
“Something's wrong with my iPad! Should I wash it again?”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: iPad, electronics, Technology
“Tune into #LSSC tonight at 11:33! It starts at 11:35, but get to your TV early for a better seat.”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: Television, show, early bird
“"Siri, put Apple CEO Tim Cook on my calendar for Tuesday, Sept. 15. Oh, and come up with some questions to ask him."”— Stephen Colbert, twitter.comTagged: Apple, siri, tim cook