37 Jokes From The Funniest Women In America

“Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.”

— Ellen Degeneres, amazon.com

“Don't love the fact that I momentarily forgot I was in a Uber and started BELTING the chorus to 'Kiss from a Rose' but my driver sure did!”

— Mamrie Hart, twitter.com

“Some people are not meant to be mothers and some people are not meant to drive.”

— Lena Dunham, youtube.com

“In every group of girlfriends there's one friend who's like, the sluttiest. And if you don't have that friend — you're that friend. Let's be real.”

— Amy Schumer, youtube.com

“This isn’t a bra, it’s body armor. And this isn’t make up, it’s war paint.”

— Iliza Shlesinger, youtube.com

“I'll work for a hamburger.”

— Kate McKinnon, youtube.com

“I was going to make this new rule for myself 'no sex on the first date' that my new rule. So I quit dating.”

— Nikki Glaser, youtube.com

“I don’t like eating bananas in public. That is so stressful if you’re a girl. It’s so annoying ‘cause it’s such a portable, good snack, but if you’re a girl and you want to eat a banana all of a sudden you’re in the position of like, how to I de-dick this delicious treat…?”

— Chelsea Peretti, youtube.com

“Have you ever dated a sex addict? At first, it's so much fun. You're like, 'Am I the hottest piece of ass in the world?' And then you're like, 'Oh no. He would fuck a mailbox.'”

— Amy Schumer, youtube.com

“I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old-fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.”

— Ellen Degeneres, amazon.com

“My love of coffee, green juice, and booze sure has LIQUIDated my bank account.* *don't even play like that wasn't perfect.”

— Mamrie Hart, twitter.com

“If I had Instagram it would just be pictures of my son. Who is a cat.”

— Kate McKinnon, youtube.com

“You know what happened to Oprah at 23? She got fired. Imagine firing Oprah. It wasn't a mistake. Because she wasn't Oprah. She was just some 23-year-old punk who needed to get fired so she could become Oprah.”

— Leslie Jones, nbc.com

“I think that I get labeled a sex comic just because I'm a woman. Like, a guy could get up here and literally pull his dick out and people would be like, 'He's a thinker.'”

— Amy Schumer, youtube.com

“The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring.”

— Iliza Shlesinger, youtube.com

“Your twenties are the worst part of your life that you don't actually know at the time is terrible.”

— Julie Klausner, amazon.com

“Do you guys think it's worse to wear a fedora or kill 15 people?”

— Chelsea Peretti, youtube.com

“We have to be a role model for these little girls, because who do they have? All they have, literally, is the Kardashians. A whole family of women who take the faces they were born with as a light suggestion?”

— Amy Schumer, youtube.com

“Currently getting a pedicure. Or as I call it '30 minutes of trying to not kick someone in the face because I am baby level ticklish'.”

— Mamrie Hart, twitter.com

“There are so many things that I would be so afraid to do. Like hike Mount Kilimanjaro or go to a CrossFit gym.”

— Lena Dunham, youtube.com

“With kids it's so funny because they're not strong enough to kill you. But they want to kill you so bad.”

— Tina Fey, youtube.com

“I ain't no damsel in distress. You can go get the car baby while I handle these three thug muthafuckas.”

— Leslie Jones, youtube.com

“Whenever there's a group of women you identify with on of the girls from Sex and the City. And if somebody's like, 'You're more like a Miranda,' you're allowed to be like, 'Why don't you kill yourself!?'”

— Amy Schumer, youtube.com

“Never laugh at your significant other when they're having an orgasm. That is their time to shine.”

— Iliza Shlesinger, youtube.com

“Life starts out with everyone clapping when you take a poo and goes downhill from there.”

— Sloane Crosley, amazon.com

“Remember, if you fail you can start a new life for yourself in North Carolina.”

— Grace Helbig, amazon.com

“You could put a blond wig on a hot-water heater and some dude would try to fuck it.”

— Tina Fey, amazon.com

“There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.”

— Chelsea Handler, books.google.com

“I wonder if Donald Trump watches footage of himself and thinks, 'I look great.'”

— Chelsea Handler, twitter.com

“The Backstreet Boys are releasing a new album, and all their fans ovaries are releasing their last eggs.”

— Chelsea Handler, twitter.com