“Louise: So you're not going to get revenge today? Bob: No, Louise, I'm not. Louise: OK, got it. [slyly] Then I won't bring your credit card...which I cut into a ninja star! Bob: Oh, you cut my credit card? Louise: Into a ninja star!”Tagged: Revenge, Ninja Stars, Credit Cards
“Bob: Wait, you read her diary? Linda: Yeah. Louise: What I can stomach. Linda: I just skim it to make sure she's not on drugs. Bob: Wha...what does it say? Linda: It says, ‘I’m not on drugs.’”Tagged: Anti-Jokes, Drugs, Diary
“Mr. Fischoeder: Bob, you may be the worst tenant I've ever had. And I rent space to a raccoon sanctuary! Bob: I know. They're next door. I've been meaning to talk to you about it.”Tagged: Raccoons, Landlords, Being A Terrible Renter
“Louise: Our family doesn't celebrate Lobsterfest. We're like Jews on Christmas. Gene: Or Jews for Jesus on Hanukkah. Teddy: Or me at a lesbian bar. Watched the hockey game at a lesbian bar, Bob. It was like I was invisible.”Tagged: Lobsterfest, Jews, Christmas, hanukkah, jesus
“Bob: [practicing] 'As you know, sir, we have several loans with your institution, all 'past due.' But what does 'past due' even mean, you know? Gene: It's brilliant! There's no such thing as time! Linda: Gene was past due, and he came out fine.”Tagged: Loan Officers, Past Due, Brilliant
“Bob: Are we just going to ignore the fact that Louise just pooped in the pool? Louise: Ignore it? I named it. Jezebel. Linda: Awwww. My little grandoody.”Tagged: Portmanteus, Poop in the Pool, Jezebel, Grandoody
“Bob: [addressing a large pot] Duval, is that you in there? Duval: [from the pot] No one's in this pot. Go away. I am the spaghetti.”Tagged: Absurd, spaghetti, Hiding, Cowering
“Well, Your Honor, I couldn't see the meter because there was a kid standing in front of it. And he was exactly....meter-sized...”Tagged: Alibis, Parking Meters
“Bob: Hey, sometimes good things come from boredom. Like Gene. Gene: Thank you!”Tagged: Boring, Backhanded Compliments
“Gene: [about Bob's multitool] Could it kill an eagle? Bob: Why would we want to kill an eagle? Gene: I don't know. They're so condescending.”Tagged: Eagles, Condescending
“Teddy: Hey, Bob. You going to Equestra-Con? Bob: Uh, no, Teddy. Because that's a convention for little girls that like toy horses. Teddy: Beg to differ, Bob. It's for guys that like toy horses. They're called ‘Equesticles.’ Bob: ‘Equesticles?’ Teddy: Yeah, 'cause they got testicles. 'Cause they're…”Tagged: Equesticles, Equestrian
“Oh, right! Because that's what Thanksgiving is all about—running around with a bunch of stupid birds and going on rides. Fine, go. But you know what? I am not making dinner!”Tagged: Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving Dinner