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Quotes tagged ‘Anti-Jokes’

(68 total)

Bank Manager: People make mistakes. Fleabag: That's why they put rubbers at the end of pencils. Bank Manager: Is that a joke? Fleabag: I don't know.

— Phoebe Waller-Bridge, imdb.com

Ross: So, uh, what did the insurance company say? Chandler: Oh, they said uh, ‘You don't have insurance here so stop calling us.’

— Jill Condon, Amy Toomin Strauss, Ross Geller, David Schwimmer, imdb.com

‘Danger’ is my middle name. But I spell it R-U-T-H.

— Kit Boss, Tina Belcher (voice), Dan Mintz, imdb.com

Bob: Wait, you read her diary? Linda: Yeah. Louise: What I can stomach. Linda: I just skim it to make sure she's not on drugs. Bob: Wha...what does it say? Linda: It says, ‘I’m not on drugs.’

— Jon Schroeder, Bob Belcher, H. John Benjamin, imdb.com

SpongeBob: Hey, why does it take more than one squirrel to change a lightbulb? Fish: Why?! SpongeBob: Because, they're so darn stupid!

— Paul Tibbitt, Merriwether Williams, Walt Dohrn, Spongebob Squarepants, Tom Kenny, imdb.com

An atheist, a vegan, and a cross-trainer walk into a bar. I know this because they told everyone who they were within five minutes.

— Unknown, tcat.tc

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get its egg back. Why did it need to get its egg back? It was rolling down the hill. Why was the egg rolling down a hill? The farmer chose to build his farm on a hillside. Why did the farmer build his farm there? To be closer to the marketplace where his produc…

— Unknown, tcat.tc

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get its egg back.

— Unknown, tcat.tc

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

— Unknown, tcat.tc

Why did the blonde jump off of the cliff? She was depressed and wished to end her life.

— Unknown, tcat.tc

What’s the worst part of four black guys driving off a cliff in a Maserati? They were my friends.

— Unknown, tcat.tc

A man goes into a bar. He has a dog with him. The dog is wearing an eye patch. The man says to the bartender, ‘Ask me about my dog.’ Unfortunately, the bartender does not hear him, because he went deaf in one ear as a child. He serves a woman at the other end of the bar. When he comes around to the…

— Unknown, tcat.tc

What’s the best time to schedule a dentist’s appointment? Exactly six months after your last one. Tooth decay and gum disease are not a fucking joke, Deborah.

— Unknown, tcat.tc

What do you call an Indian on the moon? An astronaut.

— Unknown, tcat.tc

Me: ‘I know a great knock-knock joke, want to hear it?’ Them: ‘Sure!’ Me: ‘Okay, cool, you start.’ Them: ‘????????’

— Unknown, tcat.tc

What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.

— Unknown, tcat.tc

A horse walks into a bar and the barman says: ‘Hey buddy. Why the long face?’ The horse looks up and says, ‘I just found out I have incurable bowel cancer and my wife is leaving me.’

— Unknown, tcat.tc

What’s worse than stubbing your toe on something in the dark? The Holocaust.

— Unknown, tcat.tc

What looks just like a lemon, feels just like a lemon, smells just like a lemon, even tastes just like a lemon, but you shouldn’t eat it? Somebody else’s lemon.

— Unknown, tcat.tc

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? ‘Where’s my tractor?’

— Unknown, tcat.tc

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