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madazzahatter

17 quotes

All horse racing (1)Together (1)Snowmen (1)Religious (1)serious (1)cop (1)glazed (1)smoking (1)Donuts (1)punctuation (1)Caveman (1)John Lennon (1)Obsession (1)pond (1)Psychologist (1)

From “Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"”

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, ‘I’ll give you a reason to cry!?" I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

Parenting Youth

From “When it's sunny, I think, "beer garden!"”

When it's sunny, I think, "beer garden!" When it rains, I usually go to the bar for a while. When it's snowing, I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer. I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather…

Weather Alcohol Problem

From “Every year, hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school...”

Every year, hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school... ...never to be heard from again.

Mime School

From “I have a chicken proof lawn...”

I have a chicken proof lawn... It's impeccable.

chicken lawn

From “Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?”

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

Dishwasher Television

From “"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"”

Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed? Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

cop smoking glazed Donuts

From “My girlfriend's dad is so religious, he won't let us sleep together...”

My girlfriend's dad is so religious, he won't let us sleep together... Which is a shame, because he's a really attractive man.

Girlfriend Dad Religious Sleep Together

From “I'm seriously considering asking my ex-wife to remarry me...”

I'm seriously considering asking my ex-wife to remarry me... But I'm worried she will think I'm just after her for my money.

serious consider ex-wife Marry Money

From “My three favorite things...”

My three favorite things... ...are eating my family and not using commas.

Favorite punctuation

From “My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"”

My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...

Daughter father

From “I was clinging for dear life on the edge of the cliff...”

I was clinging for dear life on the edge of the cliff.. As the rescue team approached, one of the guys shouted, "Whatever you do, don't look down!" So I started smiling..

Rescue Smile

From “Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side...”

Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side... I mean, imagine all the peepholes.

John Lennon invention

From “My son didn't cope well with going to jail...”

My son didn't cope well with going to jail... He refused to eat or drink anything. He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own poop. After that, we never played Monopoly again.

Son Monopoly

From “"We need to talk..."”

"We need to talk..." Thought the caveman...

Caveman talking

From “My psychologist told me this morning that they are working on a cure for dyslexia...”

My psychologist told me this morning that they are working on a cure for dyslexia... It was like music to my arse...

Psychologist Dyslexia

From “My wife and daughter are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing...”

My wife and daughter are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing... "And they're off!"

Obsession horse racing

From “I found a mass grave today, full of dead snowmen...”

I found a mass grave today, full of dead snowmen..."Dave!" shouted my wife. "Come away from the pond!"

Snowmen pond

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