Season 1

“Abbi: We’re technically homeless right now. Ilana: Ben Affleck was homeless for a night for a charity…We’re, like, doing that, just involuntarily. Abbi: Yeah, we’re just a regular Matt and Ben.”

— Ilana Glazer, Abbi Abrams, Abbi Jacobson, imdb.com

“Let's meet at the ATM where the dude puked on you last week.”

— Ilana Glazer, Abbi Jacobson, Ilana Wexler, Ilana Glazer, imdb.com

“We ran into like a pickle. . . wall. I don't know what the saying is.”

— Ilana Glazer, Abbi Jacobson, Ilana Wexler, Ilana Glazer, imdb.com

“I was curious to see if you were still selling the greenery. Cuz I'm looking to buy some um greenery.”

— Ilana Glazer, Abbi Jacobson, Abbi Abrams, Abbi Jacobson, imdb.com

“Abbi: I can't really imagine what it's life for people with blue eyes. Ilana: No idea, other than feeling like a fucking freak.”

— Ilana Glazer, Abbi Jacobson, Ilana Wexler, Ilana Glazer, imdb.com

“I’m an adult and I’m responsible. Let’s go get some candy.”

— Ilana Glazer, Abbi Jacobson, Abbi Abrams, Abbi Jacobson, imdb.com

“Ilana: Abbi, truth or dare? Abbi: You know what, I'm gonna go with dare. Ilana: I dare you to suck Jeremy's dick.”

— Tami Sagher, Ilana Wexler, Ilana Glazer, imdb.com

“I'd like to cash these nickels, and I'll have them in quarters, please.”

— Tami Sagher, Ilana Wexler, Ilana Glazer, imdb.com

“That's cool. I respect you, respecting me. I am going to respect your dick later.”

— Ilana Glazer, Abbi Jacobson, Ilana Wexler, Ilana Glazer, imdb.com

“You're leaving me like tight and dry.”

— Paul W. Downs, Lucia Aniello, Ilana Wexler, Ilana Glazer, imdb.com

“I won’t make out with you; white people do that, black people don’t make out with dogs.”

— Paul W. Downs, Lucia Aniello, Lincoln Rice, Hannibal Buress, imdb.com

“You said that if you ever were going to do a same sex experimentation, it was going to be with me.”

— Ilana Glazer, Abbi Jacobson, Ilana Wexler, Ilana Glazer, imdb.com

“I was so worried I baked a whole cake. And then I ate a whole cake.”

— Chris Kelly, Lincoln Rice, Hannibal Buress, imdb.com

“Never have I ever, um, dealt with how my parents' divorce affected my overall, you know, being in relationships.”

— Tami Sagher, Abbi Abrams, Abbi Jacobson, imdb.com

“Abbi: What is your return policy? Cashier: It's 30 days. Abbi: Great, I'll see you in 30 days then....biiiiiiiiiiitch. Cashier: You still need to sign the receipt.”

— Ilana Glazer, Abbi Jacobson, Abbi Abrams, Abbi Jacobson, imdb.com

“I am a doo-doo ninja.”

— Tami Sagher, Ilana Wexler, Ilana Glazer, imdb.com

“The most powerful moment in a woman's life. Your first grey hair.”

— Abbi Jacobson, Ilana Glazer, Ilana Wexler, Ilana Glazer, imdb.com

“The vah-yine-yah is nature's pocket. It's natural and responsible.”

— Ilana Glazer, Abbi Jacobson, Ilana Wexler, Ilana Glazer, imdb.com

“I’m an adult. I should be buying my own pot.”

— Abbi Jacobson, Ilana Glazer, Abbi Abrams, Abbi Jacobson, imdb.com

“Abbi, why wouldn't we be rating them on dick size? It's all I can see. Those b-ball shorts are God's gift. If you train your eyes, you can see their religion.”

— Abbi Jacobson, Ilana Glazer, Ilana Wexler, Ilana Glazer, imdb.com