Daniel Tosh

: An Unauthorized Biographyby Daniel Tosh(9 total)

Characters

I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know, people would be like, "Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom?" "The one with doves? It was beautiful."

— Daniel Tosh, amazon.com

rich Wealth Room bathroom doves

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

— Daniel Tosh, amazon.com

ugly beauty Woman Man Beautiful

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

— Daniel Tosh, amazon.com

Baby babies Children toddler humor

I can say that. I have a television show.

— Daniel Tosh, amazon.com

humor Words Censorship Television show

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

— Daniel Tosh, amazon.com

God english Heaven point menu

I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

— Daniel Tosh, amazon.com

Capri Sun Juice Stab Relationship Friends

You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"

— Daniel Tosh, amazon.com

Religious Spiritual honest interesting sarcastic

I'm a lousy piece of ass, and I should know every man I have been with has told me so, I've been there almost every time. I mean, the closest thing I got to a birds and bees talk was with my dad. He was like, "Son, sex is a lot like this egg." "Dad, I think those are drugs." "Whatever, queer." "Why…

— Daniel Tosh, amazon.com

Dad father dad jokes breakfast joke Relationship

Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. I'd be like, "Hey, so I guess I'll see you later," and he's, like, "Whatever, queer". That's a hate crime!

— Daniel Tosh, amazon.com

Childhood Friend imaginary friend Conversation Imagination

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