“I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know, people would be like, "Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom?" "The one with doves? It was beautiful."”— Daniel Tosh, amazon.comTagged: rich, Wealth, Room, bathroom, doves
“Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.”— Daniel Tosh, amazon.comTagged: ugly, beauty, Woman, Man, Beautiful
“Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.”— Daniel Tosh, amazon.comTagged: Baby, babies, Children, toddler, humor
“I can say that. I have a television show.”— Daniel Tosh, amazon.comTagged: humor, Words, Censorship, Television, show
“I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.”— Daniel Tosh, amazon.comTagged: God, english, Heaven, point, menu
“I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.”— Daniel Tosh, amazon.comTagged: Capri Sun, Juice, Stab, Relationship, Friends
“You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"”— Daniel Tosh, amazon.comTagged: Religious, Spiritual, honest, interesting, sarcastic
“I'm a lousy piece of ass, and I should know every man I have been with has told me so, I've been there almost every time. I mean, the closest thing I got to a birds and bees talk was with my dad. He was like, "Son, sex is a lot like this egg." "Dad, I think those are drugs." "Whatever, queer." "Why…”— Daniel Tosh, amazon.comTagged: Dad, father, dad jokes, breakfast joke, Relationship
“Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. I'd be like, "Hey, so I guess I'll see you later," and he's, like, "Whatever, queer". That's a hate crime!”— Daniel Tosh, amazon.comTagged: Childhood, Friend, imaginary friend, Conversation, Imagination