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Quotes tagged ‘humor’

(1220 total)

Chicago is superior to cities such as Boston, which had no urban planning whatsoever and whose streets resemble a bowl of spaghetti. Being eaten by Satan.

— Melanie LaForce, amazon.com

It is widely accepted in current times that newborn babies are a Cthulhu level of ugly.

— Melanie LaForce, amazon.com

Acknowledgement form a dude-object-of-desire is the brain chemical equivalent of snorting heroin while water-skiing with a litter of puppies.

— Melanie LaForce, amazon.com

Since I was very young, my mom has told me I have “champagne tastes.” This meant that I preferred the non-clearance clothing racks at KMart.

— Melanie LaForce, amazon.com

With any luck, you’ll find a good pack that will protect you, howl with you, and toss you a scrap of dead possum meat from the side of the road.

— Melanie LaForce, amazon.com

On the Midwest: People call us the heart of America; we pride ourselves on being real, salt of the earth folks who help each other out, swap creamed corn recipes, have euchre tournaments, and debate good-naturedly over who makes the best deep dish pizza. (Seriously, only tourists eat that shit.)

— Melanie LaForce, amazon.com

The world currently expects us to look like a Kardashian-Jenner, with perfectly symmetrical facial features and the hip-waist ratio of a sexy flamingo.

— Melanie LaForce, amazon.com

After decades of practice, I have become a champion ruminator. There is no rational argument I cannot outworry. Someday, Individual Freestyle Worrying will become an Olympic sport and it will all pay off.

— Melanie LaForce, amazon.com

If I can put on my old lady hat for a moment, I will say that teens spend too much time on screens and not enough time making out behind Sbarro dumpsters. Oral herpes rates have dropped to a disturbing all-time low!

— Melanie LaForce, amazon.com

My mother insisted we stay true to our Spanish heritage so my first words are *knock knock* Housekeeping.

— Bianca Del Rio, imdb.com

Miss Vanjie…. Miss… Vaaaaanjie… Miss Vaaaaaaaaaaaaanjiiiiiiie.

— Miss Vangie, imdb.com

Ms. Benitez: Oh! Steve! Look at you all dressed up. Coach Steve: Well, it’s a special day! Ms. Benitez: And you’re a special guy. Coach Steve: And I’d kill anyone for you! Ms. Benitez: Well, that’s not necessary… Coach Steve: Oh, that’s a relief, because I’d do it, but it would weigh on me.

— Kelly Galuska, Coach Steve, Nick Kroll, imdb.com

Shame Wizard: You truly are an enigma. Coach Steve: You're not supposed to say that word anymore.

— Joe Wengert, Coach Steve, Nick Kroll, imdb.com

Jenna Bilzerian: Steve, do you ever get lonely? Coach Steve: Of course not. I remain lonely.

— Joe Wengert, Coach Steve, Nick Kroll, imdb.com

There're two kinds of men on Wall Street: standard and poor.

— Dan Dietz, Alison Jeffers, Elisabeth Röhm, imdb.com

I really like Andy these days. He's pretend, and he does exactly as I tell him to. All that will change when real Andy comes back tomorrow. Unless he comes back as pretend Dwight. In which case, we're in for an epic, confusing showdown.

— Bryan Cranston, Dwight Schrute, Rainn Wilson, imdb.com

Pam Beesly: Did you send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail? Jim Halpert: I think I'm a little too busy these days to s— Oh, my God. I did send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail.

— Bryan Cranston, Jim Halpert, John Krasinski, imdb.com

Oscar Martinez: I am dying to know what's in there. Andy Bernard: Yeah, I know Oscar; we all are, but nobody's gonna open it. You'd have to be insane. Creed Bratton: Hi, hello.

— Randall Einhorn, Creed Bratton, Creed Bratton, imdb.com

Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. I just sort of feel out what the situation calls for.

— Warren Lieberstein, Kelly Kapoor, Mindy Kaling, imdb.com

Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That's one of my mottos.

— Daniel Chun, Stanley Hudson, Leslie David Baker, imdb.com

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