50 Witty Insults You Should Steal To Put Your Friends In Their Place

“I couldn't possibly have sex with someone with such a slender grasp on grammar!”

— Russell Brand, amazon.com

“You're so full of crap, you could pass for a toilet.”

— Kami Garcia, amazon.com

“If your brains were dynamite there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.”

— Kurt Vonnegut, amazon.com

“He's a pig and I don't allow livestock in the house.”

— Erin McCarthy, amazon.com

“Some people are easier to love when you don’t have to be around them.”

— Irvine Welsh, amazon.com

“I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall.”

— Derek Landy, amazon.com

“If you want to add some variety to your sex life, why don't you just use your other hand?”

— Cherise Sinclair, amazon.com

“You'd have to take your shoes and breeches off to count to twenty-one!”

— Scott Lynch, amazon.com

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I have five fingers, the middle one is for you.”

— Gena Showalter, amazon.com

“Edith looks like something that would eat her young.”

— Dorothy Parker, amazon.com

“Shall I show him in or tell him to go find a short and unpleasant route to hell?”

— John Ringo, amazon.com

“The only honest things I can say to you are insults.”

— Brandon Sanderson, amazon.com

“You're awfully small to be so hugely irritating.”

— Stephenie Meyer, amazon.com

“You speak an infinite deal of nothing.”

— William Shakespeare, amazon.com

“You are the last man in the world I could ever be prevailed upon to marry.”

— Jane Austen, amazon.com

“She is nuttier than squirrel poo.”

— J. K. Rowling, amazon.com

“Can't you see that I'm only advising you to beg yourself not to be so dumb?”

— Petronius Arbiter, amazon.com

“I doubt you can understand the magnitude of the stupidity in your statement.”

— Robert Jordan, amazon.com

“I'm allergic to stupidity.”

— Chris Colfer, amazon.com

“Honestly, if you were any slower, you’d be going backward.”

— J. K. Rowling, amazon.com

“He's not human; he's an empty space disguised as a human.”

— John Fowles, amazon.com

“If you will forgive me for being personal -- I do not like your face.”

— Agatha Christie, amazon.com

“To describe the young haremaid's singing voice as akin to a frog trapped beneath a hot stone would have been a great insult to both frog and stone.”

— Brian Jacques, amazon.com

“You don’t look too bright. I got a son, stupid as a man who bought his stupid at a two-for-one sale, and you remind me of him.”

— Neil Gaiman, amazon.com

“You guys are so unhip it's a wonder your bums don't fall off.”

— Douglas Adams, amazon.com

“I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.”

— J.R.R. Tolkien, amazon.com

“Are you in great physical pain, or is that your thinking expression?”

— G.A. Aiken, amazon.com

“Stop worrying about growing old. And think about growing up.”

— Philip Roth, amazon.com

“You talk too damn much and too damn much of it is about you.”

— Raymond Chandler, amazon.com

“He would make a lovely corpse.”

— Charles Dickens, amazon.com