“The raccoon problem is under control. They have their part of the town and we have ours.”— Leslie Knope, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Town, Raccoon, Problems
“I’m sorry, I have to ask this, but how many legs did that dog have when you found him?”— Ben Wyatt, amazon.comTagged: Funny, humor, dog
“On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how pissed is he?”— Tom Haverford, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Chris Brown, Pissed, angry
“Own a nightclub, call it Eclipse, that’s only open for one hour two times a year. Cover charge? Five thousand dollars.”— Tom Haverford, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Innovation, Ideas, Clubs
“Pawnee is the fourth-most obese city in America. The kids here are beefy. They’re just husky, big-boned, chunk monsters. I call them like I see them.”— Anne Perkins, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Obese, Overweight, eating
“Goodbye, Ann Perkins, my faithful employee. Hello, Ann Perkins, my fallopian princess.”— Chris Traeger, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Dating, Pregnancy
“I’m allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 sushis I barf.”— Andy Dwyer, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Sushis, food, Barf
“Just remember, every time you look up at the moon, I, too, will be looking at a moon. Not the same moon, obviously. That’s impossible.”— Andy Dwyer, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Moon
“Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.”— Ron Swanson, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Dogs, cats
“I mean, that’s why people respect Hillary Clinton so much, because nobody takes a punch like her. She’s the strongest, smartest punching bag in the world.”— Leslie Knope, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Hillary Clinton
“Guys love it when you can show them you’re better than they are at something they love.”— Leslie Knope, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Guys, Dating
“Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.”— Ron Swanson, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Fishing, Feed A Man A Fish
“Zerts are what I call desserts. Tray-trays are entrées. I call sandwiches ‘sammies,’ ‘sandoozles,’ or ‘Adam Sandlers.’ Air conditioners are ‘cool blasterz.’ I call cakes ‘big ol’ cookies.’ I call noodles ‘long-ass rice.’ Fried chicken is ‘fry-fry chicky-chick.’ Chicken parm is ‘chicky-chicky-parm-pa…”— Tom Haverford, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Innovation, food, Abbreviations
“I have a resting heart rate of 23 beats per minute. The scientists who study me say my heart can pump jet fuel up into an airplane.”— Chris Traeger, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Heart Rate, Health
“One time when I was in high school, a guy’s mom called me and broke up with me for him. There was another time where I was on a date, and I tripped and broke my kneecap, and the guy said he wasn’t ‘feeling it,’ so he left and I waited for an ambulance. One time I was dating this guy for a while, and…”— Leslie Knope, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Dating, Breakups
“April is the best. But she’s 20. When April was born, I was already in the third grade, which means if we were friends back then, I would have been hanging out with a baby. I don’t know anything about infant care. My god, I could have killed her.”— Andy Dwyer, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Dating, Clueless
“I’ll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a glass of your cheapest white wine served in a dog bowl. Silly straws all around, please.”— April Ludgate, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Drinking, Wine
“Emojis are little cartoons you text instead of words. Instead of saying, ‘What up, boo?’ you can type ‘What up’ and then a cute little ghost because that means boo. There’s even a little Indian guy, but he has a turban on, which I think is racist. But the Asian guy also has a racist hat on. And it’s…”— Tom Haverford, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Innovation, Technology, Emojis
“Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.”— Ron Swanson, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Fishing, yoga
“Then I’m sure he’s not cheating on you. But if he is, he’s a monster. And if he’s not, you guys are great together. But if he is, I will kill him.”— Leslie Knope, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Dating, Cheating
“Time is money; Money is power; Power is pizza; Pizza is knowledge. Let’s go!”— Amy Poehler, Michael Schur, April Ludgate, Aubrey Plaza, imdb.comTagged: humor, Funny, Power, Pizza, Knowledge
“I have never taken the high road. But I tell other people to ‘cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.”— Tom Haverford, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, High Road, Low Road
“Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait…wait. I worry what you just heard was: Give me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?”— Ron Swanson, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Hungry, food, Eggs And Bacon