Latest Quotes

“Maybe if we all sit extremely still, Monday won't be able to see us.”

— VeryBritishProblems, twitter.com

“I have a feeling I already know which direction my 'Get rich or die trying' lifestyle is headed.”

— Jordan Stratton, twitter.com

“Wakes up from two year coma surrounded by friends and family: Where's my phone?”

— Mattzilla, twitter.com

“I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.”

— Mike Primaver, twitter.com

“Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.There's liquor and you can't hear them.”

— bᎾᏟᎪ ᏟhᎥᏟ, twitter.com

“MySQL cluster works best in a shared-nothing environment. Ideally, no two components should share the same hardware. For simplicity, and demonstration purposes, we'll limit ourselves to using only three Droplets. There will be two Droplets acting as data nodes which are syncing data between themselv…”

— Anatoliy Dimitrov, How To Create a Multi-Node MySQL Cluster on Ubuntu 16.04

“I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.”

— Hand Solo, twitter.com

“Just tell me when and where, and I'll be there 20 minutes late.”

— Jod, twitter.com

“Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they've only known her a couple of minutes.”

— Wood, twitter.com

“Time to turn over a new leaf. With my luck it'll be poison ivy.”

— JustSomeFool, twitter.com

“I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.”

— Molly Sneed, twitter.com

“If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.”

— Denise, twitter.com

“Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.”

— Kendra Alve, twitter.com

“My wife doesn't believe that autocorrect changed 'Yes dear' to 'Hell no I'm not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.'”

— Kent Graha, twitter.com

“Introducing myself to new boyfriend's parents: Hi, I usually don't make it this far.”

— Amanda Hugnkis, twitter.com

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.”

— Joan Rivers, 30 great one-liners

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.”

— Groucho Marx, 30 great one-liners

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”

— Demetri Martin, Demetri Martin Jokes | Comedy Central Stand-Up | Demetri Martin: Worst Time for a Heart Attack

“I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it’s hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.”

— Larry David, twitter.com

“Her smile is a promise, she never intends to keep.”

— Clementine Von Radics, Kim Kardashian Redux