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Clark Griswold

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All Santa Claus (3)vacation movies (2)Surprised (2)Holidays (2)CHristmas Gifts (2)Assholes (2)bad gifts (2)Christmas (2)vacation (2)High Standards (1)Murder (1)checks (1)only the best (1)graduations (1)burn some rubber (1)

From “National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation”

Rusty Griswold: Dad, this tree won't fit in our backyard. Clark: It's not going in the yard, Russ. It's going in the living room.

Christmas Tree

Uncle Lewis: Hey Grizz, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you. Clark: Aw, you didn't have to get me anything. Uncle Lewis: Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.

CHristmas Gifts no gift for you

Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous. Clark: Nervous or excited? Ruby Sue: Shittin' bricks. Clark: You shouldn't use that word. Ruby Sue: Sorry. Shittin' rocks.

shitting bricks Shitting

Clark: So, when did you get the tenement on wheels? Eddie: Oh, that uh, that there's an RV. Yeah, yeah, I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV. It's a good looking vehicle, ain't it? Clark: Yeah, it looks so nice parked in the driveway. [Raises glass to his mouth] Eddie:…

RV Tenement Overstaying Your Welcome

Clark: Russ, we checked every bulb, didn't we? Rusty Griswold: Sure, Dad. Clark: Hmm... Maybe we ought to just go up there and check... Rusty Griswold: Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to…

light bulbs homework

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

Merry Christmas happy hanukkah Kiss my ass

Ellen: Clark, I think it'd be best if everyone went home... before things get worse. Clark: WORSE? How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell.

Hell things could be worse

Bethany: Is your house on fire, Clark? Clark: No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.

christmas lights house fire

[Todd and Margo Chester, the Griswolds' yuppie neighbors, appear] Todd: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big? Clark: Bend over and I'll show you. Todd: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that, Griswold. Clark: I wasn't talking to you.

Neighbors Bend Over

Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace. Aunt Bethany: [turns to Lewis] What, dear? Nora Griswold: Grace! Aunt Bethany: Grace? She passed away thirty years ago. Uncle Lewis: They want you to say Grace. [Bethany shakes her head in…

Pledge of Allegiance

Eddie: Don't go puttin' none of that stuff on my sled, Clark. You know that metal plate in my head? I had to have it replaced, cause every time Catherine revved up the microwave I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half hour or so. So over at the VA they had to replace it with plastic. It…

metal plate Piss Brains

Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark? Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

Surprised

Clark: Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sleigh on its way in from New York City. Eddie: [after a pause] You serious, Clark?

Santa Claus New York City

Ellen: What are you looking at? Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer... [Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet] Shitter was full. Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked…

Surprised shitters illegal asshole Toilet

Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on…

Tylenol CHristmas Gifts Dickless Bug-Eyed Rotten

Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing…

Christmas Bing Crosby Assholes

We're kicking off our fun old-fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel-drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.

Christmas Movies

From “National Lampoon's Vacation”

Clark: Real tomato ketchup, Eddie? Cousin Eddie: Oh, nothing but the best.

Ketchup only the best

Ellen Griswold: I honestly don't think you're going to find the Grand Canyon on this road. Clark: Jesus, it's only the biggest damn hole in the world. Aunt Edna: Clark, watch your language! Clark: Make that the second biggest.

Grand Canyon jesus Watch Your Language

Ellen Griswold: We're not really violent people. This is our first gun. Clark Griswold: No, it isn't.

Guns gun collectors

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