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Roy Munson

19 quotes

All Bowling (4)coveting thy neighbor's wife (1)Kick Ass (1)Future (1)bull (1)Drinking (1)Amish (1)Piece of Shit (1)Drinking Urine (1)smoking (1)Bowling Alley (1)missionary (1)Slapstick (1)Hot Coffee (1)Piss (1)

From “Kingpin”

The world can really kick your ass. I only have a VAGUE recollection of when it wasn’t kickin’ mine.

Kick Ass

Roy: What about a gross of fluorescent condoms for the novelty machine in the men’s room? I mean, those are fun even when you’re alone. Lancaster Bowl Manager: Yeah. Roy: You get it? Lancaster Bowl Manager: [impatiently, trying to read his Asian Brides magazine] Yeah! Roy: This is like the hula hoop…

Bowling Alley fluorescent condoms Asian Brides novelty machine

Man in bowling alley: Come on, boy. Bowl! Roy: The name’s not boy. It’s Roy. [makes a spare] Roy Munson.

Bowling

Take that, you freaky piece of shit. You don’t mow another guy’s lawn.

Piece of Shit coveting thy neighbor's wife

Ishmael: You been drinking, Mr. Munson? Roy: I don’t puke when I drink. I puke when I don’t.

Drinking puking

McKnight Bowl Bartender: So, you two are dictionary salesmen? Roy: You would be punctilious in assuming that.

Dictionary Punctilious

ESPN Announcer: So Roy, where have you been for the last fifteen years? Roy: Well, I uh, well, ya see, I uh...drinking. Lot a drinking. ESPN Announcer: I see. Well, are you still drinking? Roy: No. I uh...I put...uh...why, you buying?

Alcoholism

That coffee wasn’t even hot. [takes a sip of coffee] Now, that’s hot.

Hot Coffee

Roy: Just because you’re familiar with the missionary position doesn’t make you a missionary. Claudia: Look, Mr. Munster, you’re not exactly the smartest guy I ever ran across. Roy: Oh yeah? And who are you, Alfred Einstein?

MIssionary Position missionary

Roy: [Whispering so as not to awake Claudia, whom he means to leave behind] Just be quiet. [as Ishmael whispers ‘okay,’ Roy trips and falls] Roy: Ooh! I think I tore my sac. Ishmael: [loudly] Are you okay, Mr. Munson? Roy: Shh! What did I just say? Ishmael: Uh, ‘I think I tore my sac’?

tiptoeing Slapstick

Mr. Boorg: How many children do you have, Brother Hezekiah? Roy: Uh, none that I know of. [Adopting a terrible Irish accent] What I mean to say is, I was, uh, wee, I’m unable to have children. Nasty cheese gratin’ accident as a young man.

Infertility

Neighbor: Roy, can you get sick drinkin’ piss? Roy: I think you can. Neighbor: Even if it’s your own?

Urine Drinking Urine Piss

Ishmael: [after losing a game] Mr. Munson, you all right? Roy: [calmly] Ish, uh, what happened in there? Ishmael: Well, I don’t know. Um, I thought I played pretty good. Uh, he’s just a little better than me, that’s all. Roy: Pretty good, huh? 186. [loses his cool] Roy: You lost to a club player!…

Bowling Amish Quakers

Ishmael: Okay, you want to bowl for some big money, eh? But I’ll lose my entire bonus check because I’m so bombed. McKnight Bowl Bartender: You get that way from ginger ale? Roy: Nah, he was sniffing glue in the parking lot.

Bowling Sniffing Glue Drunk Bombing

WHO YOU CALLIN’ A PSYCHO?

psycho

Ishmael: You really should try to quit, Mr. Munson. They say it’s bad for your heart, your lungs. It quickens the aging process. Roy: Is that right? Who’s done more research on the subject than the good people at the American tobacco industry? They say it’s harmless. Why would they lie? If you’re…

smoking Tobacco Lungs heart

Roy: Yeah, sure, Thomas can raise a barn, but can he pick up a 7-10 split? Ishmael: God blessed my brother to be a good carpenter. It’s okay. Roy: Yeah, well, he blessed you, too, and I’ll give you a clue what it is. It’s round, it has three holes, and you stick your fingers into it. Ishmael: [He…

Bowling Future

Ishmael: Whatcha doin’, Mr. Munson? Roy: Flossin’. Ishmael: Flossin? Where’d I get ‘Munson’ from? Roy: The name is Munson, what I’m doin’ is flossin’, this is called floss, cleans your teeth, you oughta try it sometime.

flossin'

Roy: Hey, I hope you don’t mind—I got up a little early, so I took the liberty of milking your cow for you. Yeah, it took a little while to get her warmed up, she sure is a stubborn one. Then, POW, all at once. [Takes a drink from the bucket] Mr. Boorg: We don’t have a cow. We have a bull. Roy: I’ll…

Cow bull semen milk

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