“The world can really kick your ass. I only have a VAGUE recollection of when it wasn’t kickin’ mine.”Tagged: Kick Ass
“Roy: What about a gross of fluorescent condoms for the novelty machine in the men’s room? I mean, those are fun even when you’re alone. Lancaster Bowl Manager: Yeah. Roy: You get it? Lancaster Bowl Manager: [impatiently, trying to read his Asian Brides magazine] Yeah! Roy: This is like the hula hoop…”Tagged: Bowling Alley, fluorescent condoms, Asian Brides, novelty machine
“Man in bowling alley: Come on, boy. Bowl! Roy: The name’s not boy. It’s Roy. [makes a spare] Roy Munson.”Tagged: Bowling
“Take that, you freaky piece of shit. You don’t mow another guy’s lawn.”Tagged: Piece of Shit, coveting thy neighbor's wife
“Ishmael: You been drinking, Mr. Munson? Roy: I don’t puke when I drink. I puke when I don’t.”Tagged: Drinking, puking
“McKnight Bowl Bartender: So, you two are dictionary salesmen? Roy: You would be punctilious in assuming that.”Tagged: Dictionary, Punctilious
“ESPN Announcer: So Roy, where have you been for the last fifteen years? Roy: Well, I uh, well, ya see, I uh...drinking. Lot a drinking. ESPN Announcer: I see. Well, are you still drinking? Roy: No. I uh...I put...uh...why, you buying?”Tagged: Alcoholism
“Roy: Just because you’re familiar with the missionary position doesn’t make you a missionary. Claudia: Look, Mr. Munster, you’re not exactly the smartest guy I ever ran across. Roy: Oh yeah? And who are you, Alfred Einstein?”Tagged: MIssionary Position, missionary
“Roy: [Whispering so as not to awake Claudia, whom he means to leave behind] Just be quiet. [as Ishmael whispers ‘okay,’ Roy trips and falls] Roy: Ooh! I think I tore my sac. Ishmael: [loudly] Are you okay, Mr. Munson? Roy: Shh! What did I just say? Ishmael: Uh, ‘I think I tore my sac’?”Tagged: tiptoeing, Slapstick
“Mr. Boorg: How many children do you have, Brother Hezekiah? Roy: Uh, none that I know of. [Adopting a terrible Irish accent] What I mean to say is, I was, uh, wee, I’m unable to have children. Nasty cheese gratin’ accident as a young man.”Tagged: Infertility
“Neighbor: Roy, can you get sick drinkin’ piss? Roy: I think you can. Neighbor: Even if it’s your own?”Tagged: Urine, Drinking Urine, Piss
“Ishmael: [after losing a game] Mr. Munson, you all right? Roy: [calmly] Ish, uh, what happened in there? Ishmael: Well, I don’t know. Um, I thought I played pretty good. Uh, he’s just a little better than me, that’s all. Roy: Pretty good, huh? 186. [loses his cool] Roy: You lost to a club player!…”Tagged: Bowling, Amish, Quakers
“Ishmael: Okay, you want to bowl for some big money, eh? But I’ll lose my entire bonus check because I’m so bombed. McKnight Bowl Bartender: You get that way from ginger ale? Roy: Nah, he was sniffing glue in the parking lot.”Tagged: Bowling, Sniffing Glue, Drunk, Bombing
“Ishmael: You really should try to quit, Mr. Munson. They say it’s bad for your heart, your lungs. It quickens the aging process. Roy: Is that right? Who’s done more research on the subject than the good people at the American tobacco industry? They say it’s harmless. Why would they lie? If you’re…”Tagged: smoking, Tobacco, Lungs, heart
“Roy: Yeah, sure, Thomas can raise a barn, but can he pick up a 7-10 split? Ishmael: God blessed my brother to be a good carpenter. It’s okay. Roy: Yeah, well, he blessed you, too, and I’ll give you a clue what it is. It’s round, it has three holes, and you stick your fingers into it. Ishmael: [He…”Tagged: Bowling, Future
“Ishmael: Whatcha doin’, Mr. Munson? Roy: Flossin’. Ishmael: Flossin? Where’d I get ‘Munson’ from? Roy: The name is Munson, what I’m doin’ is flossin’, this is called floss, cleans your teeth, you oughta try it sometime.”Tagged: flossin'
“Roy: Hey, I hope you don’t mind—I got up a little early, so I took the liberty of milking your cow for you. Yeah, it took a little while to get her warmed up, she sure is a stubborn one. Then, POW, all at once. [Takes a drink from the bucket] Mr. Boorg: We don’t have a cow. We have a bull. Roy: I’ll…”Tagged: Cow, bull, semen, milk