“Just remember, every time you look up at the moon, I, too, will be looking at a moon. Not the same moon, obviously. That’s impossible.”— Andy Dwyer, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Moon
“I’m allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 sushis I barf.”— Andy Dwyer, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Sushis, food, Barf
“Goodbye, Ann Perkins, my faithful employee. Hello, Ann Perkins, my fallopian princess.”— Chris Traeger, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Dating, Pregnancy
“Pawnee is the fourth-most obese city in America. The kids here are beefy. They’re just husky, big-boned, chunk monsters. I call them like I see them.”— Anne Perkins, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Obese, Overweight, eating
“Own a nightclub, call it Eclipse, that’s only open for one hour two times a year. Cover charge? Five thousand dollars.”— Tom Haverford, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Innovation, Ideas, Clubs
“On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how pissed is he?”— Tom Haverford, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Chris Brown, Pissed, angry
“I’m sorry, I have to ask this, but how many legs did that dog have when you found him?”— Ben Wyatt, amazon.comTagged: Funny, humor, dog
“The raccoon problem is under control. They have their part of the town and we have ours.”— Leslie Knope, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Town, Raccoon, Problems
“I have no idea what I’m doing, but I know I’m doing it really, really well.”— Andy Dwyer, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, No Idea What I'm Doing, Clueless
“I think you’ve got several options. They’re all terrible…but you have them.”— Chris Traeger, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Options, Choices, terrible
“I really only listen to, like, German death reggae, Halloween sound effects from the 1950s, and Bette Midler. Obviously.”— April Ludgate, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Music, Bette Midler
“As Leslie’s Maid of Honor, I really need her bachelorette party to go well, which is why I’m stress-eating these gummy penises.”— Anne Perkins, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, wedding, Maid Of Honor, Stress
“Jean-Ralphio: 'Ben...Is that your real name?' Ben: 'Yes...?' Jean-Ralphio: 'Oh you could do better than that. I’m gonna help you out right now, your name is... Angelo. Angelo thank you so much for coming out. Get a thicker tie, it looks weird on you. It makes your head look like a fish. Secondly, I…”— Jean-Ralphio, Ben Wyatt, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Weird, Nicknames
“Use him. Abuse him. Lose him. That’s the Meagle motto.”— Donna Meagle, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Dating
“Most people would say ‘the deets’, but I say ‘the tails’. Just another example of innovation.”— Tom Haverford, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Abbreviations, Innovation
“No, that’s Buckingham Palace. Hogwarts is fictional. You do know that, don’t you? It’s important to me that you know that.”— Ben Wyatt, amazon.comTagged: Funny, humor, England, Hogwarts, royalty
“Calzones are pointless. They’re just pizza that’s harder to eat. No one likes them.”— Leslie Knope, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Pizza, Calzones