“History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.”— Ron Swanson, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, History, Government
“I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and broke everything.”— Andy Dwyer, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Ramen, Cooking
“I promised myself I was not going to cry tonight, and I’ve already broken that promise five times. But I will not break it a sixth.”— Chris Traeger, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Crying
“Horizons are dumb. Never broaden your horizons.”— April Ludgate, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Horizons, Goals
“Jogging is the worst. I know it keeps you healthy, but god, at what cost?”— Anne Perkins, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Jogging
“I hope you brought a change of clothes because your eyes are about to piss tears.”— Jean-Ralphio, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Weird, Laughter
“Jerry: 'I really wish I could have your body.' Tom: 'What?' April: 'Eww, like tied up naked in your basement?' Jerry: 'No, no I mean you’re in good shape and you can eat whatever you want.' Leslie: 'That was weird, Jerry.'”— Jerry Gergich, Tom Haverford, April Ludgate, Leslie Knope, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Body, Health, Miscommunication
“It’s not my favorite shirt… but it is my least favorite shirt.”— Donna Meagle, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Shirts, Least Favorite
“Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot.”— Tom Haverford, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Work, party
“I wonder who else was born in Eagleton. Voldemort, probably.”— Leslie Knope, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Government, Voldemort
“OK, everyone: shut up! And look at me! Welcome to ‘Visions of Nature.’ This room has several paintings in it. Some are big, some are small. People did them and they’re here now. I believe that after this is over, they’ll be hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show…”— Ron Swanson, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Art, Government, Ron Swanson
“I’m fine. It’s just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I’m always tired.”— Andy Dwyer, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Sad, Pointless, Life
“My body is finely tuned, like a microchip, and the flu is like a grain of sand. It could literally shut down the entire system.”— Chris Traeger, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Bodies, Health
“We have a couple of house rules, though. You can’t use the front door. You have to climb in through the back window. No personal phone conversations. If you ever speak to me in Spanish, please use the formal ‘usted.’ And no electricity after 6:00 PM. A couple more rules: if you ever watch a sad movi…”— April Ludgate, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, House Rules
“3… 2… 1, aaaand my shift is over. What the f*** is your problem?”— Anne Perkins, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Job, enemies
“One time I waited outside a woman’s house for five days just to show her how serious I was about wanting to drill her. Turns out, it was the wrong house. She loved the story anyway. We got to third base. Over the pants.”— Jean-Ralphio, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Third Base, Dating
“I think that comic sans always screams fun, right?”— Jerry Gergich, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Comic Sans
“I hope no one minds if I live-tweet this bitch.”— Donna Meagle, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Live Tweet
“How do you make any event classy on a budget? Red carpet. My entire apartment is red carpet. On top of that, leading into my bedroom, a second red carpet. Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.”— Tom Haverford, amazon.comTagged: humor, Funny, Red Carpet, classy