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Harry Doyle: [before the playoff game] Monty, anything to add? Color Man: Ummm...no. Harry Doyle: He’s not the best color man in the league for nothing, folks!

— David S. Ward, Harry Doyle, Bob Uecker, Major League

Cleveland Indians color man lackluster

In case you haven’t noticed, and judging by the attendance you haven’t, the Indians have managed to win a few here and there, and are threatening to climb out of the cellar.

— David S. Ward, Harry Doyle, Bob Uecker, Major League

Cleveland Indians Success cellar

The post-game show is brought to you by...[searches through his papers] Christ, I can’t find it. To hell with it.

— David S. Ward, Harry Doyle, Bob Uecker, Major League

Cleveland Indians Post-Game attendance advertisers Christ

Harry Doyle: One hit—that’s all we got, one goddamn hit? Assistant: You can’t say goddamn on the air. Harry Doyle: Don’t worry, nobody is listening anyway.

— David S. Ward, Harry Doyle, Bob Uecker, Major League

Goddamn FCC poor attendance

Just a reminder, fans, comin’ up is our ‘Die-Hard Night’ here at the stadium. Free admission to anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won a pennant.

— David S. Ward, Harry Doyle, Bob Uecker, Major League

Die-Hard Cleveland Indians Pennant

The discomfort of self-inconsistency provides a clue to guilty pleasures’ hidden power.

— Susan Kresnicka, Why we should stop feeling guilty about doing things that we enjoy

Gulit Guilty Pleasures Joy

Lou Brown: Hey, Jake. How's the knees holding up? Jake Taylor: Great! Never been better. Lou Brown: Mobility’s good? No problem getting off the throw to second? Jake Taylor: No problemo. Lou Brown: I need a catcher, Jake. Someone who can lead this team on the field. But I want the absolute truth, he…

— David S. Ward, Lou Brown, James Gammon, Major League

knees Mobility no problemo Bullshit

Rick Vaughn: [converses with Taylor on the mound] Fucking Dorn! This game should be over by now. He could’ve had that ball, he tanked it on purpose! Jake Taylor: Hey! This isn’t the California Penal League, Vaughn, we’re professionals here! We don’t tank plays for personal reasons, so cut the crybab…

— David S. Ward, Rick 'Wild Thing' Vaughn, Charlie Sheen, Major League

Jell-O Pitching Tips Crybaby

All right people, we got 10 minutes ’til game time, let’s all gather ’round. I’m not much for giving inspirational addresses, but I’d just like to point out that every newspaper in the country has picked us to finish last. The local press seems to think that we’d save everyone the time and trouble i…

— David S. Ward, Lou Brown, James Gammon, Major League

shitburger sportswriter pep talk

Lou Brown: [at a team meeting] Can I have your attention, please? [picks up a bat and leans on it like a walking stick] Lou Brown: I have something I think you all ought to know about. It seems that Mrs. Phelps doesn’t think too highly of our worth. She put this team together because she thought we’…

— David S. Ward, Lou Brown, James Gammon, Major League

Fucking Minor Leagues

Roger Dorn: [shouting] Don’t fuck with me, Vaughn. Rick Vaughn: Yeah? [shouting] Fuck you. Roger Dorn: What’s the matter, rookie Fuck-Wad? Can’t you take a little joke? Rick Vaughn: Real fucking funny, asshole. Lou Brown: All right—[shouting]—All right! Knock that shit off. Roger Dorn: Lou, you bett…

— David S. Ward, Rick 'Wild Thing' Vaughn, Charlie Sheen, Major League

Shit Fuck You asshole joke Rookie

The French have been doing this kind of 'market shopping' for years; only buying what they need, when they need it.

— Katie Rubery, Why Grocery Shopping Like the French Do Helped Me Save $90

Groceries food

[Willie Mays Hayes has just made a ‘basket catch’ to end the inning] Nice catch, Hayes. Don’t ever fuckin’ do it again.

— David S. Ward, Lou Brown, James Gammon, Major League

basket catch Fucking Warning

Harry Doyle: [after Vaughn accidentally hits Coleman of the Yankees] Uh-oh. Lou Brown: Interesting. Harry Doyle: [Seeing the umpire throw out Vaughn] 'Bout time; it’s eight-nothing. Umpire: You, you’re gone. Rick Vaughn: What? Umpire: You hear me, you’re gone. Rick Vaughn: He was on top of the plate…

— David S. Ward, Rick 'Wild Thing' Vaughn, Charlie Sheen, Major League

Blow Me Kiss my ass umpire

Indians Fan: Hey, Vaughn. Can I have your autograph? [Hands Vaughn a matchbox with a pen] Rick Vaughn: Sure. [while signing the matchbox] Rick Vaughn: My first autograph. I couldn’t give these away a few weeks ago. Indians Fan: I heard your news on the radio. You made their hall of shame. Rick Vaugh…

— David S. Ward, Rick 'Wild Thing' Vaughn, Charlie Sheen, Major League

Autographs celebrity hall of shame

I hate this, Johnny. I really do. I hate violence. That is why I had Rosie do this, I could never do that man, I could never hold a knife to Tyler’s throat, she was my woman. We shared time together. But, Rosie, he’s like a machine. He’s got this gift of blankness. Once you set him in motion, he wil…

— Kurt Wimmer, W. Peter Iliff, Rick King, Bodhi, Edgar Ramirez, Point Break

Violence blankness Stabbing Machine

Rick Vaughn: [Seeing Harris take off his shirt, revealing white stuff on his chest] What’s that shit on your chest? Eddie Harris: [Looking at his chest] Crisco. Eddie Harris: [wiping it across his head] Eddie Harris: Bardol. Eddie Harris: [wiping it along his waistline] Eddie Harris: Vagisil. Any on…

— David S. Ward, Rick 'Wild Thing' Vaughn, Charlie Sheen, Major League

Shit Vagisil Crisco Jalapeño Pitching Tricks

I want you to say that to yourself: I am anxious and emotionally sensitive and insecure. Don’t say it like it’s a fucking curse. Say it like you’re describing something obvious and objective: There is a cup of tea on my desk. The air outside is chilly this morning. I am anxious and emotionally sensi…

— Heather Havrilesky, ‘I’m So Shy and It’s Ruining My Life!’

Personality Shy Anxiety

[Rick thinks he’s been cut from the team] Rick Vaughn: I got news for you, Mr. Brown—you haven’t heard the last of me. You may think I’m shit now, but someday you’re gonna be sorry you cut me. I’m gonna catch on somewhere else and every time that I pitch against you I’m gonna stick it up your fuckin…

— David S. Ward, Rick 'Wild Thing' Vaughn, Charlie Sheen, Major League

Shit stick it up your ass Fucking

You gonna jump or jerk off?

— Kurt Wimmer, W. Peter Iliff, Rick King, Johnny Utah, Luke Bracey, Point Break

parachuting masturbation

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