Latest Quotes

“Athletic Cone: I have learned much from watching the Garthok battle. It has weaknesses. I believe I can take it. Beldar Conehead: Uh-huh. And let me know when Elvis gets here.”

— Tom Davis, Bonnie Turner, Terry Turner, Beldar Conehead, Dan Aykroyd, Coneheads

“Otto: Are you telling me you don't have a Social Security number? Beldar Conehead: Correct. Otto: Why not? Beldar Conehead: I am an illegal alien.”

— Tom Davis, Bonnie Turner, Terry Turner, Beldar Conehead, Dan Aykroyd, Coneheads

“Take my car, its reinforced alloy superstructure is far superior to that of your broken down, rusted-out shit box.”

— Tom Davis, Bonnie Turner, Terry Turner, Beldar Conehead, Dan Aykroyd, Coneheads

“Beldar Conehead: When my people come to colonize this planet, your name will be on the protected rolls, and you will come to no harm. Gladys Johnson, Driving Student: You are wise. But there's a sadness to your wisdom.”

— Tom Davis, Bonnie Turner, Terry Turner, Beldar Conehead, Dan Aykroyd, Coneheads

“Beldar Conehead: An owner's manual to a Ford Lincoln Mercury Sable. Highmaster: Ford Lincoln Mercury Sable? Beldar Conehead: A personal conveyance named after its inventor, an assassinated ruler, a character from Greco-Roman myth and a small fur-covered mammal. Highmaster: Ah.”

— Tom Davis, Bonnie Turner, Terry Turner, Beldar Conehead, Dan Aykroyd, Coneheads

“May I have 55 words with you?”

— Tom Davis, Bonnie Turner, Terry Turner, Beldar Conehead, Dan Aykroyd, Coneheads

“Kids; can't live with them, can't shoot them.”

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, Grandpa Gustafson, Burgess Meredith, Grumpy Old Men

“John Gustafson: Ohh, you don't know a damn thing about me... Ariel Truax: I do, too! And I also know the only thing in life, that you regret, are the risks that you don't take.”

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, John Gustafson, Jack Lemmon, Grumpy Old Men

“Ariel Truax: John, when was the last time you made love? John Gustafson: October 4th...1978. Ariel Truax: Oh, I think we're safe.”

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, John Gustafson, Jack Lemmon, Grumpy Old Men

“Looks like Chuck's taking old one-eye to the optometrist.”

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, Grandpa Gustafson, Burgess Meredith, Grumpy Old Men

“We did the horizontal mambo.”

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, John Gustafson, Jack Lemmon, Grumpy Old Men

“Ariel Truax: [John is showing Ariel some family pictures] And these two little guys? John Gustafson: Oh! That's me and the moron. Ariel Truax: Is that Max? John Gustafson: Of course it's Max. He's ugly, isn't he? Ariel Truax: Aw, you mean you were friends? John Gustafson: I was 10, and didn't know a…”

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, John Gustafson, Jack Lemmon, Grumpy Old Men

“Hey, watch your mouth you dumb friggin' Swede.”

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, Grumpy Old Men

“John Gustafson: You're supposed to be smoking filter cigarettes. Grandpa Gustafson: I'm 94 years old. What the hell do I care?”

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, John Gustafson, Jack Lemmon, Grumpy Old Men

“[Bragging about his sexual escapades] I've laid more pipe in this town than Wabasha Plumbing.”

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, John Gustafson, Jack Lemmon, Grumpy Old Men

“Weatherman: Cold enough for ya? Brrrrrrr! Max Goldman: Oh, shut up, fatass.”

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, Grumpy Old Men

“Max Goldman: [Knows that John is hiding and listening, but can't give himself away] You mean the lowlife, asswipe, egg-sucker John Gustafson? Snyder: Have you seen him? Max Goldman: The man's crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their c…”

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, Grumpy Old Men

“Hey, dickhead, you win the lottery?”

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, Grumpy Old Men

“If I had known I would be doing a nude scene, I'd have asked for another million.”

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, Grumpy Old Men

“Max Goldman: You're trying to steal her away like you did Mae. John Gustafson: Oh, well, I'll remind you, Einstein, that Mae was no prize. Max Goldman: She was to me. John Gustafson: I was married to the woman for 20 years, she was no prize! Max Goldman: She was to me. John Gustafson: Well, that's w…”

— Robin Swicord, Akiva Goldsman, Adam Brooks, Mark Steven Johnson, Max Goldman, Walter Matthau, Grumpy Old Men