“Frank Burns: [spotting Hawkeye browsing through his personal shelf] What are you doing up there? Hawkeye Pierce: I just wanted to borrow your Bible, Frank. Frank Burns: Since when are you two interested in the Bible? Trapper John McIntyre: I peeked at the end, Frank. The Devil did it.”Tagged: Bible, The Devil Did It
“Lt. Dish: Hawkeye, I'm trying to be faithful. How many times must I tell you I'm engaged? Hawkeye Pierce: I'm engaged, too, think of me as a dress rehearsal. Lt. Dish: A girl can only take so much. Hawkeye Pierce: Are we anywhere near that part yet?”Tagged: Sexual Harassment, Engaged, Faithful, Dress Rehearsal
“Henry, you have no idea what it's like sharing a tent with a guy who thinks he's all twelve disciples!”Tagged: Schizophrenia, Close Quarters
“Three hours ago, this man was in a battle. Two hours ago, we operated on him. He's got a fifty-fifty chance. We win some, we lose some. That's what it's all about. No promises. No guaranteed survival. No 'saints in surgical garb'. Our willingness, our experience, our technique are not enough. Guns…”Tagged: Surgery, War, Battle, Guns, bombs
“Henry: I assume you've all read my notice concerning the recent crime wave. Hawkeye: I would've read it, but the notice was stolen.”Tagged: Crime
“Henry: You were ordered to stand down! Hawkeye: I did, but I fell up again.”Tagged: Drunk, stand down
“Frank, do you know what a hero is? Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, he's somebody who's tired enough and cold enough and hungry enough not to give a damn. I don't give a damn.”Tagged: Hero, Tired, cold, Hungry, don't give a damn
“Trapper: You have a lot of trouble with women, don't you? Hawkeye: Every chance that I can!”Tagged: trouble, Women, Double Entendre
“I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even…”Tagged: Guns, harakiri, Pentagon, cary grant, old virginia
“I just don’t know why they’re shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread. Transplant the American dream. Freedom. Achievement. Hyperacidity. Affluence. Flatulence. Technology. Tension. The inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to…”Tagged: Freedom, Achievement, Flatulence, tension, American Dream
“Hawkeye: Let's make a pact about drinking. Trapper: All right. Hawkeye: Let's never stop.”Tagged: Drinking, Alcoholism
“The instrument has yet to be devised that can test my indifference to that remark.”Tagged: Indifference
“Frank: I can plug an ace of hearts at fifty feet. Hawkeye: I'll remember that if we're ever attacked by a bridge club.”Tagged: cards, Aim
“War isn't hell. War is war, and hell is hell. And of the two, war is a lot worse.”Tagged: war is hell, War, Hell
“Look, you can't lay all that on my shoulders. Don't you know how much this place stinks? Don't you know what it's like to stand day after day in blood? In the blood of children? I hate this place. And if I can't stand up to it to your satisfaction, then... then the hell with it. How dare you? The…”Tagged: Iowa, naivete, Blood, sausage grinder
“I am the essence of overconfidence. I am speculation, adventure, the spirit of pursuit, the stag howling for its winsome, yet anonymous mate. I am the love call of evolution, the perfume and color of the flowers as they offer their pollen to the gentle fuzz of the bees. I am sex itself, gentlemen. I…”Tagged: overconfidence, winsome, stag, mate, pollen
“Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happy Hour.”Tagged: Life, Pursuit of Happiness, happy hour, Drinking