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John Swartzwelder

36 quotesNovelist · Born Feb 8, 1949 · United States Of America · Male

John Joseph Swartzwelder, Jr. (born February 8, 1949) is an American comedy writer and novelist, best known for his work on the animated television series The Simpsons. Born in Seattle, Washington, Swartzwelder began his career working in advertising. He was later hired to work on comedy series Saturday Night Live in the mid-1980s as a writer. He later contributed to fellow writer George Meyer's short-lived Army Man magazine, which led him to join the original writing team of The Simpsons, beginning in 1989. He worked on The Simpsons for fourteen years as a writer and producer, later contributing to the program's 2007 film adaption. He is credited with writing the largest number of Simpsons episodes (59 full episodes, with contributions to several others) by a large margin. After his retirement from the show, he began a career as a writer of self-published absurdist novels. He has written over eleven novels, the most recent of which, The Animal Report, was published in 2014. Swartzwelder is revered among comedy fans; his colleagues have called him among the best comedy writer

All live (2)Drunk (2)Lose (2)House (2)Catchphrase (2)Alcohol (2)Good (2)Advice (2)spot (1)Naked (1)Cows (1)Murder (1)Evil (1)Questions (1)Capitalism (1)

From “Bart the General”

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars trilogy.

Ladies and Gentlemen War Glamorous losers winners

The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy how to be a man! Let's see: Don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do, and what else...?

Rules Code schoolyard tattle Making Fun Of Other People

From “The Call of the Simpsons”

Lisa: Remember, Dad. The handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star. Homer: That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods.

Advice Stars Astronomy Class Woods

From “The Crepes of Wrath”

Marge: Homer, I'd love a glass of that wine Bart brought us. Homer: Sorry, Marge. Some wiseguy stuck a cork in the bottle.

Glass Wine wiseguy cork bottle

Please, please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.

Fighting argument Debate America Land of Opportunity

[Principal Skinner offers a solution to Bart’s problems at school.] Principal Skinner: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, we have transcended incorrigible. I don't think suspension or expulsion will do the trick. I think it behooves us all to consider deportation. Marge: Deportation?! You mean kick Bart out of…

School suspension explusion Deportation Extreme

From “Treehouse of Horror”

Ew, baby spit! YOU suck.

Ew ick baby spit suck

I'm not going to live in a house of evil just to save a few dollars.

live House Evil Money

Eat my shorts!

Catchphrase Eat Shorts Diss

From “Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish”

Mr. Burns: Ironic, isn't it Smithers. This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you! Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

Irony Election Jail Murder Democracy

Dave Shutton: What are you using for bait? Lisa: My brother is using worms, but I, who feel the tranquility far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.

bait Fishing Worms Tranquility Nothing

From “Bart vs. Thanksgiving”

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.

don't care not listening Indifferent Not Paying Attention

Bart, the only reason to apologize is if you look deep down inside yourself and you find a spot, something you wish wasn't there, because you feel bad you hurt your sister's feelings.

Apologize spot hurt feel bad

From “Itchy & Scratchy & Marge”

If you take away our cartoons, we'll grow up without a sense of humor and be robots.

cartoons Grow Up Sense humor Robots

From “Bart Gets Hit by a Car”

Hey, cool, I'm dead.

cool dead realization

I'm sorry, but my mother always said if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

mother nice to say anything polite

From “The War of the Simpsons”

Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.

Respect ever did ever will Sassy

Homer: About last night. You might have noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why. Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.

Drunk wasted Night strange Alcohol

From “Homer at the Bat”

No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.

Good better Million no matter

From “Dog of Death”

Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say? Smithers: If you did it, Sir?

Dogs idiots House Crotch slobbering

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