Ralph Kramden: Whatever happened to the sweet unspoiled girl I married before? Whatever happened to that girl, Alice? You remember what you said to me before we got married? 'Ralph, I'd be happy to live in a tent with you.' Alice Kramden: I'm still willing. I think it'd be an improvement. Ralph…
Catalog
Walter Stone
I, Edward Norton, Ranger Third Class in the Captain Video Ranger Academy, do solemnly pledge to obey my mommy and daddy, to be kind to dumb animals and old ladies in and out of space, not to tease my little brothers and sisters and to brush my teeth twice a day and drink milk after every meal.
Ralph Kramden: [Alice's mother has been engaging in her typical insult-based banter with Ralph] Oh, you're startin' right in, huh? Startin' right in with the insults! No warmin' up in the bullpen or nothin', huh? Startin' right in! I remember when you used come over, you used to to start slow with a…
Ralph Kramden: There isn't room in this place for you and me! Mrs. Gibson: There isn't room in this place for you and anybody!
Alice Kramden: Let me tell you something. There's an old, old saying, Ralph: 'Man works from sun to sun, but woman's work is never done.' Ralph Kramden: [snootily] Good gosh! Alice Kramden: I'll tell you why woman's work is never done, Ralph. Because she's got the toughest boss in this whole world:…
You just decided for me, Alice. You just decided for me! I'm going on 'The $64,000 Question'. And do you know why? 'Cause I'm an expert in one of their categories: Aggravation!
I am the only girl in town with an atomic kitchen. This place looks like Yucca Flats after the blast!
Ed Norton: [Ralph tries to figure out what to leave Alice in his will] Look, as long as you're going, anyway, why don't you sell your body to science? If they pay by the pound, she'll be left a millionaire! Ralph: Why don't you shut up?
Dick Gersh: Tell me, Dr. Norton, what school did you attend? Ed Norton: P.S., 31 Oyster Bay. Dick Gersh: No, I mean, what medical school? Ralph: Oh, uh, he went to Oxford. Dick Gersh: Oh, in England. Ed Norton: Is that where it is? Dick Gersh: You mean you went to school in Oxford and you don't know…
Ralph Kramden: We spend $200, we make $2000 and the profit is 1800. We can't lose. Ed Norton: Can't lose, huh? That's what you said when you bought the parking lot next to where they were building up the movie house there. You said, 'People going to the movies got to have a place to park their car.'…
Ralph: Just remember, you can't put you arms around a memory. Alice: I can't even put my arms around you.
Ralph Kramden: Two thousand dollars, Alice! That's big, big, big! This is probably the biggest thing I ever got into. Alice Kramden: The biggest thing you ever got into was your pants.
Alice Kramden: Now you listen to me, Ralph. My mother is coming here and you're going to be nice to her. Ralph Kramden: Be nice to her? That's impossible! We don't get along. We're enemies, natural enemies. Like a boa constrictor and a mongoose. She hates me, Alice! Alice Kramden: Ralph, Mother…
Dear Mom, I just thought I'd write and tell you this. A mother-in-law is the most criticized, the most misunderstood and the most defenseless of all women. The average woman must be clever enough to know when to speak, but a mother-in-law must know when to keep silent. She must be very wise; wise…
Ralph Kramden: Name one thing that could possibly be worse than my mother-in-law coming. Ed Norton: My mother-in-law coming! Boy, compared to her coming, the invasion of locusts was a boon to mankind! Ralph Kramden: Don't start, Norton. Don't try to compare your mother-in-law with my mother-in-law,…
Ralph Kramden: Nobody's one hundred percent, Alice. Alice Kramden: You are. You've been wrong every time!