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Ralph Kramden

23 quotes

All Fat-Shaming (5)Mother in Law (5)Golf (2)Blabbermouth (2)insults (2)Threats (1)profit motive (1)Moon (1)Supper (1)Riot (1)Christmas (1)Comic Books (1)Sentimental (1)Memories (1)Fishing (1)

From “The Turkey”

Ralph Kramden: [Alice's mother has been engaging in her typical insult-based banter with Ralph] Oh, you're startin' right in, huh? Startin' right in with the insults! No warmin' up in the bullpen or nothin', huh? Startin' right in! I remember when you used come over, you used to to start slow with a…

insults Mother in Law

Ralph Kramden: There isn't room in this place for you and me! Mrs. Gibson: There isn't room in this place for you and anybody!

Fat-Shaming

From “Lost Baby”

Ed Norton: [reading from book about golf] 'The golf swing: First, step up, plant your feet firmly on the ground, and address the ball.' Ralph: Wait a minute. What do they mean by 'address the ball'? Ed Norton: How should I know? That's what it says here. Ralph: Well, read a little further. Maybe it…

Golf address the ball Hello Ball

Now I know why people play golf! It's not 'cause they like this game! It's just to get away from their wives! That's why they play!

Golf Bad Marriage wives

From “Quiz Show”

You just decided for me, Alice. You just decided for me! I'm going on 'The $64,000 Question'. And do you know why? 'Cause I'm an expert in one of their categories: Aggravation!

$64000 Question aggravation

From “Pickles”

Ralph Kramden: We spend $200, we make $2000 and the profit is 1800. We can't lose. Ed Norton: Can't lose, huh? That's what you said when you bought the parking lot next to where they were building up the movie house there. You said, 'People going to the movies got to have a place to park their car.'…

drive-in theater profit motive Get Rich Quick Schemes

Ralph Kramden: Two thousand dollars, Alice! That's big, big, big! This is probably the biggest thing I ever got into. Alice Kramden: The biggest thing you ever got into was your pants.

Fat-Shaming

From “Six Months To Live”

Dear Mom, I just thought I'd write and tell you this. A mother-in-law is the most criticized, the most misunderstood and the most defenseless of all women. The average woman must be clever enough to know when to speak, but a mother-in-law must know when to keep silent. She must be very wise; wise…

Mother in Law Tolerance Patience US President

Ralph Kramden: Name one thing that could possibly be worse than my mother-in-law coming. Ed Norton: My mother-in-law coming! Boy, compared to her coming, the invasion of locusts was a boon to mankind! Ralph Kramden: Don't start, Norton. Don't try to compare your mother-in-law with my mother-in-law,…

Competition Mother in Law

Ralph Kramden: Nobody's one hundred percent, Alice. Alice Kramden: You are. You've been wrong every time!

insults

From “Lunchbox”

Acting young ain't what keeps you young, but if you have some memories—some good memories—of when you were young, that's what keeps you young.

Youth Memories

Ralph: [to Norton] Hey, what does 'icky' mean? Ed Norton: I don't know, why? Ralph: Alice just said I was icky. Ed Norton: Must mean 'fat.'

icky

From “Christmas Party”

You're a riot, Alice. You're a regular riot. Hope they like those jokes on the moon, 'cause that's where you're goin'.

Riot Moon Threats

From “Glow Worm Cleaning”

Ralph: What do you know about fishing? When have you ever caught anything? Alice: Fifteen years ago. I caught 300 pounds of blubber.

Fishing Fat-Shaming

From “Alice Plays Cupid”

You know something, sweetheart? Christmas is...well, it's about the best time of the whole year. When you walk down the streets, even for weeks before Christmas comes, and there's lights hanging up, green ones and red ones, sometimes there's snow and everyone's hustling some place. But they don't…

Christmas Merry Christmas Sentimental

From “Suspense”

Ralph: From here on in, we are deadly enemies. I don't want to see ya, I don't want to talk to ya, I don't want to have nothing to do with ya. If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side! Norton: When you come down the street, there AIN'T no other side!

enemies Fat-Shaming

Ralph: What's the matter? Aren't you up on current events? Don't you read the papers? Don't you read comic books? That's the trouble with you; you don't know the latest developments. Alice: I don't know the latest developments? Who is it that lets your pants out every other day?

papers Comic Books Fat-Shaming

From “Anniversary Gift”

Ed Norton: Hey, Ralph, what's the normal temperature, around 98, ain't it? Ralph Kramden: 98.6. Ed Norton: What would you say a bad temperature is? Ralph Kramden: Hundred and two, 103. What is it, Norton? What is my temperature? [Norton becomes shocked as he examines the thermometer; Ralph gets…

Temperature Thermometer Fever

From “Lost Job”

[speaking to a recorder an apology to Alice] Hello, Alice. This is me, Ralph. Alice, I'm sorry. I'm miserable without ya. Please come back to me, Alice. I apologize for everything I've said. I even apologize to your mother. I know she doesn't mean the things she says, Alice, it's just her nature.…

Apologies Mother in Law Blabbermouth

[to Alice's mother; shouting] You—are a blabbermouth! A blabbermouth! You! Blabbermouth! Out!

Blabbermouth Mother in Law

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