Season 1

“Tim: How many times have you been married? Fred: Three. Tim: Why do you suppose that is? Fred: I can't find a woman who understands me.”

— Allison M. Gibson, Marley Sims, Tim Taylor, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Jill Taylor: I don't wanna be a nagging wife. Tim Taylor: Then, how would I recognize you?”

— Carmen Finestra, Matt Williams, Jill Taylor, Patricia Richardson, imdb.com

“Al: Anyone can do what you do. Tim: Oh, really? You think you could do what I do? Al: Oh, please. How hard could it be to tell bad jokes and screw up all the time? Tim: A lot harder than it looks.”

— Marley Sims, Tim Taylor, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“You don't have to understand a woman. All you have to do is love her.”

— Marley Sims, Eddie Phillips, Ernest Borgnine, imdb.com

“Jill Taylor: [the family's out camping and Tim just got back from the car] Oh thank God, I was getting worried. I heard this awful howling. Tim Taylor: Oh, that was me. Couldn't find any leaves, had to use a pine cone.”

— Marley Sims, Tim Taylor, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Brad: I can't dance with my mother. Jill: Hey, I used to change your diaper and powder your butt. Now get over here.”

— Carmen Finestra, Matt Williams, Brad Taylor, Zachery Ty Bryan, imdb.com

“Jill: We're keeping score. Tim: I thought you didn't want to keep score. Jill: Oh, is the great big, bad bowling man afraid his itty-bitty wife is going to beat him? Tim: Is the itty-bitty wife afraid the big, bad bowling man is going to leave her in the PARKING LOT?”

— Elliot Stern, Tim Taylor, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“This is an excuse, women, and you're not the type to have excuses. You need to be taught. I don't think you're stupid just 'cause you don't know anything....You know, I—that didn't come out right.”

— Allison M. Gibson, Tim Taylor, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Brad Taylor: I don't have any lines. Randy Taylor: That's because you blew it, you stooge. He was trying out for one of the wise men, and he said they were carrying gold and Frankenstein.”

— Elliot Stern, Randy Taylor, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, imdb.com

“Jill Taylor: I thought you said it was a technical problem. Tim Taylor: Technically, I was the problem.”

— Susan Estelle Jansen, Tim Taylor, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Mark Taylor: I have a woman—Mommy. Randy Taylor: Your mommy can't be your woman, doofus. Tim Taylor: A lot of men pay a psychiatrist a lot of money to figure that one out.”

— Billy Riback, Tim Taylor, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Tim Taylor: I'm gonna let you guys in on a little secret, all right? Women, as we know them, are born without a face. Randy Taylor: Bull! Tim Taylor: Listen to me—women are like a Mr. Potato Head. You've heard your mom say every now and then, 'Excuse me, fellas, I've gotta go upstairs and put my fac…”

— Susan Estelle Jansen, Tim Taylor, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Tim Taylor: I like to create, Wilson. Everything I do, I wanna make bigger and better. Wilson: Well, Tim, this obsessive desire to create partly happens because men feel inferior to women. [Tim grunts, perplexed] It's because we can't bear children. Tim Taylor: Ah, I don't mind the boys that much. W…”

— Susan Estelle Jansen, Tim Taylor, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Jill Taylor: They broke the mirror, they put in the wrong tiling, we've got a cement... Jill Taylor: [suddenly seeing her new whirlpool bath] Oh, wow, wow, what's this? Tim Taylor: This is what will make it all worthwhile: Your new whirlpool. Jill Taylor: Oh, Tim, it's so beautiful. Look at the colo…”

— Susan Estelle Jansen, Tim Taylor, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Mark Taylor: Are you gonna make Brad and Randy say they're sorry? Tim Taylor: Well, you have two choices: You either make 'em apologize, or we could get even. Mark Taylor: Get even! Tim Taylor: That's my boy!”

— Elliot Stern, Mark Taylor, Taran Noah Smith, imdb.com

“Tim Taylor: A live chicken? Brad, who the hell do you hang out with? Brad Taylor: Mom... Jill Taylor: What? Brad Taylor: Dad's cussing. Tim Taylor: I wasn't cussing. Mark Taylor: He said a bad word. Tim Taylor: It wasn't bad. Randy Taylor: Yeah, he said 'hell' and 'damn'. Tim Taylor: I did not say '…”

— Peter Tolan, Tim Taylor, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Tonight, when I'm cookin' that chili, I'll cut up this cauliflower, and we'll tell them we've got rabbit brains in there.”

— Elliot Stern, Tim Taylor, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“You know why I like tools? Because they fix things—you tear down a motor, see the problem, it's right there—boom; it's fixed. I wish I could fix things between us that easily.”

— Peter Tolan, Tim Taylor, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Jill: What, do you have rocks in your head? Don't you think? Tim: Let's talk about who doesn't think for a minute—who drove around for two days with the oil light on? Jill: Wait—I thought you said you weren't going to bring up the oil light. Tim: With all those rocks in my head, sometimes I don't kn…”

— Peter Tolan, Tim Taylor, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Tim: It's a warning light; didn't it occur to you there might be a little problem? Jill: I thought if there was a problem with the car that the light would get brighter, or there would be a buzzer. Tim: A buzzer? It's a car, not a game show.”

— Peter Tolan, Tim Taylor, Tim Allen, imdb.com