Season 1

“Lucy Ricardo: Ricky, wait a minute, let's not watch television tonight. Ricky Ricardo, Ethel Mertz, Fred Mertz: [Ricky, Fred, and Ethel shout in unison] Not watch television! Ricky Ricardo: What else is there to do? Lucy Ricardo: Well, whatever happened to that game we used to play before television…”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Lucy Ricardo, Lucille Ball, imdb.com

“Lucy Ricardo: How'd you know all that stuff? Ricky Ricardo: Who do you think you married, some country pumpkin?”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Ricky Ricardo, Desi Arnaz, imdb.com

“Well, I'm your Vitavigavegivat Girl. Are you tired, run down, listless? Do you pop out at parties? Are you unpoopular? [pause] Well, are you? The answer to all your problems is in this little ol' bottle, Vitameatavegamin. [Checks the bottle label] That's it. Vitameatavegamin contains vitamins, meat,…”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Lucy Ricardo, Lucille Ball, imdb.com

“[confessing to Lucy he didn't know the answers] All I know is Columbus discover' Ohio in 1776.”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Ricky Ricardo, Desi Arnaz, imdb.com

“Don't ask questions, just get a knife and a fork and a bottle of ketchup and follow me to the biggest barbecue in the whole world.”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Lucy Ricardo, Lucille Ball, imdb.com

“Fred Mertz: You don't think she's a kleptomaniac, do you? Ricky Ricardo: No, I think she just steals.”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Fred Mertz, William Frawley, imdb.com

“Ricky Ricardo: I need someone with 'sperience. Lucy Ricardo: Well I've had 'sperience.”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Lucy Ricardo, Lucille Ball, imdb.com

“Ricky Ricardo: What do you want me to do, starve to death? Lucy Ricardo: Would you, please?”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Lucy Ricardo, Lucille Ball, imdb.com

“Ricky Ricardo: I was clearing out the desk and I found this. Lucy Ricardo: Why, it's our marriage license. Ricky Ricardo: Yeah. Lucy Ricardo: Well, what's the matter? Don't tell me it's expired!”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Lucy Ricardo, Lucille Ball, imdb.com

“Lucy Ricardo: Well it all started when I was a little girl. I was riding around on the streetcar and I looked up and there was a box and it said take one. So I took one. Dr. Tom Robinson: Well there was nothing wrong with that. Lucy Ricardo: Oh yes there waaaas. From then on, I took anything that ca…”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Lucy Ricardo, Lucille Ball, imdb.com

“Lucy Ricardo: Now really, Ricky, it's up to us to get Fred and Ethel back together again. Say you'll help me? Ricky Ricardo: Well, it would be nice. And I guess after you've gone through all this trouble and this far, the cast is dead. Lucy Ricardo: The cast is dead? Ricky Ricardo: Yeah, you know...…”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Madelyn Pugh, Ricky Ricardo, Desi Arnaz, imdb.com

“Ricky Ricardo: Lucy, you remember that old saying, 'birds of a feather smell the same'? Lucy Ricardo: You mean 'a rose by any other name flocks together'? Ricky Ricardo: [Thinks a moment] Yeah.”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Madelyn Pugh, Lucy Ricardo, Lucille Ball, imdb.com

“Fred Mertz: She said my mother looks like a weasel. Lucy Ricardo: Ethel, apologize. Ethel Mertz: I'm sorry your mother looks like a weasel.”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Madelyn Pugh, Ethel Mertz, Vivian Vance, imdb.com

“Lucy Ricardo: They're going to kill us. Police Sergeant: Why would they do that? Lucy Ricardo: So they can assume our identities and blow up the capitol. Police Sergeant: This is serious. Lucy Ricardo: You're darned right it is! These people are spies from a foreign enemy agent. Police Sergeant: Wha…”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Madelyn Pugh, Lucy Ricardo, Lucille Ball, imdb.com

“Ricky Ricardo: Lucy, were you snooping? Lucy Ricardo: Yes I was a bad girl and you can spank me tomorrow if there's anything left to spank!”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Madelyn Pugh, Lucy Ricardo, Lucille Ball, imdb.com

“Lucy Ricardo: Now, what about boys your own age? Peggy: Oh, they're all so icky. Lucy Ricardo: They're icky, huh? Peggy: Yeah. Except Arthur... Arthur Morton. He's wonderful. He's got curly hair, big, sad eyes, and floppy ears. He looks like Gregory Peck. Lucy Ricardo: Sounds more like Lassie!”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Lucy Ricardo, Lucille Ball, imdb.com

“Lucy Ricardo: I'm living on borrowed time. It was only by a very clever ruse that I managed to escape from their apartment. Police Sergeant: What was that? Lucy Ricardo: I pretended to be a chair. Police Sergeant: I don't think the police can help you madam, why don't you call an upholsterer?”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Madelyn Pugh, Lucy Ricardo, Lucille Ball, imdb.com

“Arthur: But... You're a woman. Lucy Ricardo: Yes, my husband likes me that way.”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Lucy Ricardo, Lucille Ball, imdb.com

“Here I am with all this talent bottled up inside of me and you're always sitting on the cork.”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Lucy Ricardo, Lucille Ball, imdb.com

“Ricky Ricardo: Now look, Lucy, we're not going to go over all this again. You cannot be in the show. Lucy Ricardo: Give me one good reason. Ricky Ricardo: You have no talent. Lucy Ricardo: Give me another good reason.”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Ricky Ricardo, Desi Arnaz, imdb.com