Season 1

“Think harder, we can be nastier than that.”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Lucy Ricardo, Lucille Ball, imdb.com

“Ricky Ricardo: Excuse me, Mrs. Shakespeare, but would you mind telling me what this is all about? Lucy Ricardo: Well, you see, all the women's clubs in town are having a big play-writing contest. Ricky Ricardo: I knew it, I knew it. This had to do with the Wednesday Afternoon Fang and Claw Society.…”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Lucy Ricardo, Lucille Ball, imdb.com

“Ricky Ricardo: [Ricky tries a solution for Lucy's habitual tardiness] I'm making out a schedule so you can budget your time. Lucy Ricardo: Budget my time? You mean like I budget my money? Ricky Ricardo: Heaven forbid. Lucy Ricardo: Now Ricky, listen...”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Ricky Ricardo, Desi Arnaz, imdb.com

“Ricky Ricardo: Say, what do you know about rice? Fred Mertz: Well, I had it thrown at me on one of the darkest days of my life.”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Fred Mertz, William Frawley, imdb.com

“Lucy Ricardo: Fred, you've given me an idea. I'm going to give Ricky scalp treatments. And they'll be so drastic he'll be glad to forget the whole thing. Fred Mertz: It won't work... Lucy Ricardo: Why not? Fred Mertz: Nothing has ever been invented that a man won't try if he thinks he can get his ha…”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Lucy Ricardo, Lucille Ball, imdb.com

“Ricky Ricardo: [Ethel enters in a flowing black outfit bedecked with veils and gaudy jewelry] Who are you supposed to be? Lucy Ricardo: Well, what do you think? Ricky Ricardo: The Bride of Frankenstein? Ethel Mertz: Well! Lucy Ricardo: She's a Spanish senora. Ricky Ricardo: She suffers in the transl…”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Ricky Ricardo, Desi Arnaz, imdb.com

“Ricky Ricardo: Well, how does it feel to be married to an also been? Ethel Mertz: An 'also been'? Lucy Ricardo: He means a has ran.”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Ricky Ricardo, Desi Arnaz, imdb.com

“[Ricky and Lucy are doing a show together] Ricky Ricardo: Hey, Lucy, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the theater. Lucy Ricardo: What? Ricky Ricardo: Some tramp comes up to me on the street and says he hadn't had a bite in three days. Lucy Ricardo: What did you do, bite him? [Audience laug…”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Ricky Ricardo, Desi Arnaz, imdb.com

“Jean Valijean Raymand: Oh, but you don't understand, madame! The Apache dance is a dance of amour. One must warm up to it. Lucy Ricardo: Yeah, well I think you started warming up on the way over here! Jean Valijean Raymand: I can't help it. I can't help that there's a pounding in my heart. Lucy Rica…”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Lucy Ricardo, Lucille Ball, imdb.com

“Ricky Ricardo: Lucy's been acting strange lately! Fred Mertz: Strange? How can you tell?”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Madelyn Pugh, Ricky Ricardo, Desi Arnaz, imdb.com

“[Ricky and Lucy are doing a show together] Ricky Ricardo: I've got a joke you never heard in your life. I know a girl who's so dumb she thinks a football coach has four wheels. Ha ha ha. [Audience is silent] Lucy Ricardo: How many wheels does it have? [Audience laughs]”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Ricky Ricardo, Desi Arnaz, imdb.com

“Lucy Ricardo: There's just two things keeping me from dancing in that show. Fred Mertz: Your feet?”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Fred Mertz, William Frawley, imdb.com

“Ricky Ricardo: Have you ever heard Lucy sing? Fred Mertz: No. Ricky Ricardo: Our fighting men have been through enough.”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Madelyn Pugh, Ricky Ricardo, Desi Arnaz, imdb.com

“Some people build model airplanes. Ethel reads postcards.”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Madelyn Pugh, Fred Mertz, William Frawley, imdb.com

“Ricky Ricardo: Aw, honey, I don't care anything about that new dancer. Lucy Ricardo: Hah! Ricky Ricardo: Aw, honey, you can trust me. Lucy Ricardo: I can, huh? Ricky Ricardo: Why sure. I'm as faithful as an old dog. Lucy Ricardo: Yeah, old Rover!”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Ricky Ricardo, Desi Arnaz, imdb.com

“Fred Mertz: [Fred and Ethel think Ricky has bought Lucy a mink coat] What are you trying to do, make a bum out of me? Ethel Mertz: Don't blame him. You were a bum before he was born. Fred Mertz: Oh, yeah? Ethel Mertz: Yeah!”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Ethel Mertz, Vivian Vance, imdb.com

“This is Madam Ethel Mertzola. She'll be our medium tonight. She's psychopathic.”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Lucy Ricardo, Lucille Ball, imdb.com

“Lucy Ricardo: You might be going through life with the wrong name. Hey, I better figure out the right one for you! Maybe if you're something besides Five, it'll help our vibration. Ricky Ricardo: Lucy! Lucy Ricardo: What? Ricky Ricardo: Don't you like the way I vibrate?”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Lucy Ricardo, Lucille Ball, imdb.com

“Mr. Merriweather: My horoscope says no more business after noon today. Lucy Ricardo: Oh, you follow horoscopes? Mr. Merriweather: Yes! I'm Scorpio. Lucy Ricardo: I'm Taurus. Ricky Ricardo: I'm cooked.”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Lucy Ricardo, Lucille Ball, imdb.com

“Ricky Ricardo: For goodness' sakes don't tell Lucy, will you? If she knows the audition is tonight she'll be pestering the life out of me to get into the act. How am I gonna get rid of her for the day? Fred Mertz: Well, you could lock her in the bathroom. If she stays in there as long as Ethel does…”

— Jess Oppenheimer, Madelyn Pugh, Ricky Ricardo, Desi Arnaz, imdb.com