Latest Quotes

“Whenever my wife catches me eyeing some broad, she’s very careful to turn to me and say, ‘That’s the most expensive piece of ass in the world!’”

— Mike Bloomberg, Mike Bloomberg's 30-Year-Old Wit and Wisdom Leaks, Showing Debatable Wit and Distinctive Lack of Wisdom

“The Royal Family — what a bunch of misfits — a gay, an architect, that horsey faced lesbian, and a kid who gave up Koo Stark for some fat broad.”

— Mike Bloomberg, Mike Bloomberg's 30-Year-Old Wit and Wisdom Leaks, Showing Debatable Wit and Distinctive Lack of Wisdom

“There are two things I’d love to do more — have more birthdays and pay more taxes. If you have more birthdays, it’s obviously because you haven’t died yet, and if you pay more taxes, it’s clearly because you’re making more money.”

— Mike Bloomberg, Mike Bloomberg's 30-Year-Old Wit and Wisdom Leaks, Showing Debatable Wit and Distinctive Lack of Wisdom

“If Jesus was a Jew, why does he have a Puerto Rican first name?”

— Mike Bloomberg, Mike Bloomberg's 30-Year-Old Wit and Wisdom Leaks, Showing Debatable Wit and Distinctive Lack of Wisdom

“The three biggest lies are: the check’s in the mail, I’ll respect you in the morning, and I’m glad I’m Jewish.”

— Mike Bloomberg, Mike Bloomberg's 30-Year-Old Wit and Wisdom Leaks, Showing Debatable Wit and Distinctive Lack of Wisdom

“If women wanted to be appreciated for their brains, they’d go to the library instead of Bloomingdale’s.”

— Mike Bloomberg, Mike Bloomberg's 30-Year-Old Wit and Wisdom Leaks, Showing Debatable Wit and Distinctive Lack of Wisdom

“I make it a rule never to go to Queens — and since that eliminates both airports I don’t travel a great deal.”

— Mike Bloomberg, Mike Bloomberg's 30-Year-Old Wit and Wisdom Leaks, Showing Debatable Wit and Distinctive Lack of Wisdom

“Everyone I know who is successful loves what they do. The question is: are they successful because they love what they do, or do they love what they do because they are successful? I don’t know. I suspect it’s a combination of both.”

— Mike Bloomberg, Mike Bloomberg's 30-Year-Old Wit and Wisdom Leaks, Showing Debatable Wit and Distinctive Lack of Wisdom

“You know, there’s a federal law that prohibits the serving of good food west of 12th Avenue — look it up.”

— Mike Bloomberg, Mike Bloomberg's 30-Year-Old Wit and Wisdom Leaks, Showing Debatable Wit and Distinctive Lack of Wisdom

“When the Wall Street Journal article came out saying I was profane, my dear old mother called me to ask me if it was true. ‘Ma,’ I said, ‘Fuck 'em!’”

— Mike Bloomberg, Mike Bloomberg's 30-Year-Old Wit and Wisdom Leaks, Showing Debatable Wit and Distinctive Lack of Wisdom

“Chinese scientists believe the deadly coronavirus may have started life in a research facility just 300 yards from the Wuhan fish market.”

— Ross Ibbetson, Did coronavirus originate in Chinese government laboratory?

“We call it 'falling in love,' as if we have no control over how we topple into that dreamy state of emotional bliss.”

— Sandee LaMotte, CNN, Are you in love or just high on chemicals in your brain? Answer

“'Duncan’s mom is constantly worried that he’s one bad decision away from ruining his life,' teases Mike Scully, who created the show with his wife, Julie Scully, and, you guessed it, Poehler.”

— Dan Snierson , Entertainment Weekly, Amy Poehler's new animated series 'Duncanville' may fulfill one of your 'Parks and Rec' wishes

“The way I look at my relationship with God and with Jesus is, I'm not trying to earn God's love by doing good things. God has already loved me for who I am before I did anything to earn and deserve it. It's a free gift by accepting Jesus, and just giving your life to Him.”

— Justin Bieber, Justin Bieber's Emotional Interview With Zane Lowe

“While details are limited, Column appears to be conceived of as a service that would allow users to share posts and media with each other either in public or private spaces.”

— Angela Chen, Gawker’s nemesis is working on a social network offering access to the rich

“It’s the perfect antidote for certainty, which we have far too much of today.”

— Arlo Haskell, Few Were As Devoted to Poetry and Friendship as Harry Mathews

“I am the king of the mountain top!”

— Glenn Howerton, Rob McElhenney, Dennis Reynolds, Glenn Howerton, The High School Reunion Part 2: The Gang's Revenge

“The law, supported by legislators of both parties, has been applied more than 3,500 times since, with the pace accelerating during the last half of 2019. Even so, an Associated Press analysis of the law showed its use is inconsistent, with some counties and cities using it rarely and others not at a…”

— Terry Spencer, Florida 'red flag' gun law used 3,500 times since Parkland

“You have about as much charisma as my underpants—zero.”

— Tyson Fury, Tyson Fury

“I'm the queen of the night!”

— Glenn Howerton, Rob McElhenney, Deandra Reynolds, Kaitlin Olson, The High School Reunion