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Jerry Seinfeld

496 quotesTelevision Actor · Born Apr 29, 1954 · United States Of America · Male

Jerome Allen "Jerry" Seinfeld (born April 29, 1954) is an American comedian, actor, writer, producer, and director. He is known for playing a semifictional version of himself in the sitcom Seinfeld, which he created and wrote with Larry David. Seinfeld was heavily involved in the Bee Movie, in which he voiced its protagonist. In 2010, he premiered a reality series called The Marriage Ref. He directed Colin Quinn in the Broadway show Long Story Short at the Helen Hayes Theater, which ran until January 2011. He is the creator and host of the web series Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. In his stand-up comedy career, Seinfeld is known for specializing in observational comedy, often ranting about relationships and embarrassing social situations. In 2005, Comedy Central named Seinfeld their "12th Greatest Stand-up Comedian of All Time". 2Early life Seinfeld was born in Brooklyn, New York. His father Kalmen Seinfeld collected jokes he heard while serving in World War II. His mother, Betty (née Hosni; born 1914), is of Syrian-Jewish descent; her parents Selim and Salha Hosni were from Alepp

All Dating (29)Sex (23)Breakups (19)Men (15)Women (14)Nudity (14)comedy (12)Masculinity (12)Attraction (11)Relationships (11)body odor (8)Jokes (8)Death (8)Homophobia (7)Marriage (7)

From “The Wig Master”

Well perhaps he thinks that you're working him for the discount. Shaking that little butt of yours into big, big savings....And then when you get it, you know, you drop him like a hot potato.

manipulation Discounts

From “The Wait Out”

Well, I just want you to know I'm there for you. Course now I'm here for you, but when I'm not here for you, I'm there for you.

There For You manipulation Emotional Support Breakups

Well, I just want you to know I'm there for you. Course now I'm here for you, but when I'm not here for you, I'm there for you.

There For You manipulation Emotional Support Breakups

From “The Invitations”

All of a sudden it hit me, I realized what the problem is: I can't be with someone like me. I hate myself! If anything, I need to get the exact opposite of me. It's too much. It's too much, I can't take it. I can't take it….

Self-hatred Dating Opposite Opposites Attract

All of a sudden it hit me, I realized what the problem is: I can't be with someone like me. I hate myself! If anything, I need to get the exact opposite of me. It's too much. It's too much, I can't take it. I can't take it….

Self-hatred Dating Opposite Opposites Attract

Now I know what I've been looking for all these years...myself.

Self-Love Narcissus

Now I know what I've been looking for all these years...myself.

Self-Love Narcissus

From “The Soul Mate”

I once told a woman that I don't eat cake 'cause it goes right to my thighs.

Pickup Lines Gluttony fat diet

I once told a woman that I don't eat cake 'cause it goes right to my thighs.

Pickup Lines Gluttony fat diet

From “The Bizarro Jerry”

The hands of a man. It's like a creature out of Greek mythology; I mean, she was like part woman, part horrible beast.

Greek Mythology Man Hands

The hands of a man. It's like a creature out of Greek mythology; I mean, she was like part woman, part horrible beast.

Greek Mythology Man Hands

From “The Little Kicks”

People with guns don't understand. That's why they get guns. Too many misunderstandings.

Guns Gun Control Violence Misunderstandings

People with guns don't understand. That's why they get guns. Too many misunderstandings.

Guns Gun Control Violence Misunderstandings

From “The Abstinence”

To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up. But now, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting…

Sex Abstinence Trash garbage Garbage Strike

To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up. But now, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting…

Sex Abstinence Trash garbage Garbage Strike

I mean, let's say this is your brain. OK, from what I know about you, your brain consists of two parts: the intellect, represented here, and the part obsessed with sex. Now, granted, you have extracted an astonishing amount from this little scrap. But with no-sex—Louise, this previously useless lump…

Sex Abstinence Brain

I mean, let's say this is your brain. OK, from what I know about you, your brain consists of two parts: the intellect, represented here, and the part obsessed with sex. Now, granted, you have extracted an astonishing amount from this little scrap. But with no-sex—Louise, this previously useless lump…

Sex Abstinence Brain

From “The Comeback”

Trust me, Kramer. Given the legal opportunity, I will kill you.

Threats Murder

Trust me, Kramer. Given the legal opportunity, I will kill you.

Threats Murder

From “The Van Buren Boys”

I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me!

Dreams Surreal Hamburgers

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