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Mort Nathan

38 quotesFilm Director · United States Of America · Male

Mort Nathan is an American television producer, screenwriter and film director. He was one of the co-producers and head writers of the comedy show The Golden Girls. Nathan won two Emmy awards, two Golden Globes, and a Writer's Guild of America award for his work on the series. He has written and produced over 150 hours of prime time television shows and directed the feature films Boat Trip, Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj, and Bag Bo

All Bowling (7)Piss (1)bull (1)Tombstone (1)Amish (1)Future (1)coveting thy neighbor's wife (1)Drinking (1)Kick Ass (1)Welder (1)Face the Music (1)Piece of Shit (1)Biscuits (1)Drinking Urine (1)Urine (1)

From “Kingpin”

Roy: Just because you’re familiar with the missionary position doesn’t make you a missionary. Claudia: Look, Mr. Munster, you’re not exactly the smartest guy I ever ran across. Roy: Oh yeah? And who are you, Alfred Einstein?

MIssionary Position missionary

Roy: [Whispering so as not to awake Claudia, whom he means to leave behind] Just be quiet. [as Ishmael whispers ‘okay,’ Roy trips and falls] Roy: Ooh! I think I tore my sac. Ishmael: [loudly] Are you okay, Mr. Munson? Roy: Shh! What did I just say? Ishmael: Uh, ‘I think I tore my sac’?

tiptoeing Slapstick

Mr. Boorg: How many children do you have, Brother Hezekiah? Roy: Uh, none that I know of. [Adopting a terrible Irish accent] What I mean to say is, I was, uh, wee, I’m unable to have children. Nasty cheese gratin’ accident as a young man.

Infertility

Neighbor: Roy, can you get sick drinkin’ piss? Roy: I think you can. Neighbor: Even if it’s your own?

Urine Drinking Urine Piss

Ishmael: [after losing a game] Mr. Munson, you all right? Roy: [calmly] Ish, uh, what happened in there? Ishmael: Well, I don’t know. Um, I thought I played pretty good. Uh, he’s just a little better than me, that’s all. Roy: Pretty good, huh? 186. [loses his cool] Roy: You lost to a club player!…

Bowling Amish Quakers

Ishmael: Okay, you want to bowl for some big money, eh? But I’ll lose my entire bonus check because I’m so bombed. McKnight Bowl Bartender: You get that way from ginger ale? Roy: Nah, he was sniffing glue in the parking lot.

Bowling Sniffing Glue Drunk Bombing

WHO YOU CALLIN’ A PSYCHO?

psycho

Ishmael: You really should try to quit, Mr. Munson. They say it’s bad for your heart, your lungs. It quickens the aging process. Roy: Is that right? Who’s done more research on the subject than the good people at the American tobacco industry? They say it’s harmless. Why would they lie? If you’re…

smoking Tobacco Lungs heart

Bowling Priest: You see, bowling for money...that’s my only vice. Cocktail Waitress: Here’s your drink. Bowling Priest: Thanks, sugar. [takes drink from a double bourbon on the rocks and pats waitress’ behind] Okay, two vices. Ernie McCracken: That’s still very good.

Bowling Vice

Sometimes a bowler just has to face the music.

Bowling Face the Music

Roy: Yeah, sure, Thomas can raise a barn, but can he pick up a 7-10 split? Ishmael: God blessed my brother to be a good carpenter. It’s okay. Roy: Yeah, well, he blessed you, too, and I’ll give you a clue what it is. It’s round, it has three holes, and you stick your fingers into it. Ishmael: [He…

Bowling Future

Ishmael: Whatcha doin’, Mr. Munson? Roy: Flossin’. Ishmael: Flossin? Where’d I get ‘Munson’ from? Roy: The name is Munson, what I’m doin’ is flossin’, this is called floss, cleans your teeth, you oughta try it sometime.

flossin'

Roy: Hey, I hope you don’t mind—I got up a little early, so I took the liberty of milking your cow for you. Yeah, it took a little while to get her warmed up, she sure is a stubborn one. Then, POW, all at once. [Takes a drink from the bucket] Mr. Boorg: We don’t have a cow. We have a bull. Roy: I’ll…

Cow bull semen milk

You’re on a gravy train with biscuit wheels.

gravy train Biscuits

1979 Waitress: Tanqueray and Tab. Ernie McCracken: Keep ’em comin’, sweets, I got a long drive. Do me a favor, will you? Would you mind washing off that perfume before you come back to our table?

Tanqueray Tab perfume

It’s a small world when you’ve got unbelievable tits, Roy.

Small world Tits

Ernie McCracken: The Munson. Roy: Big Ern. Long time. Ernie McCracken: I’ll say. Probably a year for every topping on the table. I heard a horrible rumor...[looks at Roy’s prosthetic rubber hand] Oh, creepy! I’m sorry. You know, for the first couple years, I felt responsible. How you been otherwise?…

Rumors prosthetic hand

[Roy Munson is getting ready for his turn to bowl] Ernie McCracken: It all comes down to this roll. Roy Munson, a man-child, with a dream to topple bowling giant Ernie McCracken. If he strikes, he’s the 1979 Odor-Eaters Champion. He’s got one foot in the frying pan and one in the pressure cooker.…

Bowling Odor-Eaters Bladder Bratwurst

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