“Can you believe the zoo wouldn’t let me borrow their white tiger? I mean, the nerve! Philip Seymour Hoffman is going to be sitting at the back of the party thinking, ‘Look at that guy. He couldn’t even get a big cat.’”Tagged: Zoo, borrow, white tiger, Philip Seymour Hoffman, party
“The economy stinks, bees are dying, and movies are pretty much all sequels now.”Tagged: Economy, Bees, Dying, Movies, sequels
“Old people freak me out. With their hands and their legs. They’re like the people version of pleated pants.”Tagged: Old People, Freak, hands, legs, version
“Without sex she's not your girlfriend okay? She's just a friend you buy meals for.”Tagged: Sex, friend zoned, Friends
“You cannot just call me at any time and just summon me for intercourse.”Tagged: Sex, Being Used, Intercourse
“When you care about somebody you do what's best for them even if it sucks for you.”Tagged: Love, Sacrifice, good deeds
“I’m like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is like a unique experience.”Tagged: Sex, unique, Variety
“I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Alyssa Milano’s phone number just by randomly choosing numbers.”Tagged: Success, Goals, Hard Work
“If you need me, I’ll be in my room, listening to some mainstream hip-hop.”Tagged: Room, Music, Listening, Mainstream, Hip-Hop
“I’m really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay? When I see you, I wanna be thinking, ‘Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?’”Tagged: tonight, step it up, Slut, dirty
“What if he gets into an accident? What if he’s horribly disfigured, and I have to identify him, and all that remains are his private parts? I’m standing there, I’m saying, ‘Sorry, officer, I can’t help you, because no, I haven’t seen his penis.’ An then boom, he’s buried in an unmarked grave.”Tagged: accident, horribly, private parts, penis, unmarked grave
“Nick is delicate. Like a flower. Like a chubby, damaged flower who hates himself.”Tagged: Delicate, Simile Examples, Flower, chubby, damaged
“Schmidt: Here’s another tip, don’t ask a guy out on a first date on the least sexy holiday in America. Jess: What are the sexiest holidays in America? Schmidt: The most sexy holidays are the 4th of July — Independence Day, obviously. Women’s History Month. Christmas.”Tagged: Sexy, holiday, America, 4th of July, Christmas
“I had figure skating lessons until I was 13, and then my mom sobered up and realized I was a boy.”Tagged: figure, skating, Mom, sobered, realized