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Schmidt

39 quotes

All Sex (3)Simile Examples (3)upset (2)Questions (2)Christmas (2)Youths (2)Everywhere (1)Strange Things to Say (1)Cooking (1)Hip-Hop (1)skating (1)white (1)Being Used (1)Economy (1)Cried (1)

From “Re-launch”

Can you believe the zoo wouldn’t let me borrow their white tiger? I mean, the nerve! Philip Seymour Hoffman is going to be sitting at the back of the party thinking, ‘Look at that guy. He couldn’t even get a big cat.’

Zoo borrow white tiger Philip Seymour Hoffman party

From “Backslide”

The economy stinks, bees are dying, and movies are pretty much all sequels now.

Economy Bees Dying Movies sequels

Don’t pretend to know my pain.

Pretend Pain Do Not

Old people freak me out. With their hands and their legs. They’re like the people version of pleated pants.

Old People Freak hands legs version

From “Halloween”

Without sex she's not your girlfriend okay? She's just a friend you buy meals for.

Sex friend zoned Friends

From “Control”

You cannot just call me at any time and just summon me for intercourse.

Sex Being Used Intercourse

I think we're all a little bit crazy.

craziness psycho Personalities

From “See Ya”

When you care about somebody you do what's best for them even if it sucks for you.

Love Sacrifice good deeds

From “Kryptonite”

Schmidt happens.

Life Shit Happens Problems

From “New Girl”

I’m like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is like a unique experience.

Sex unique Variety

From “Bachelorette Party”

Please take that off. You look like a homeless pencil.

take that off homeless Pencil

I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Alyssa Milano’s phone number just by randomly choosing numbers.

Success Goals Hard Work

From “The Captain”

If you need me, I’ll be in my room, listening to some mainstream hip-hop.

Room Music Listening Mainstream Hip-Hop

From “Wedding”

I’m really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay? When I see you, I wanna be thinking, ‘Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?’

tonight step it up Slut dirty

From “Naked”

What if he gets into an accident? What if he’s horribly disfigured, and I have to identify him, and all that remains are his private parts? I’m standing there, I’m saying, ‘Sorry, officer, I can’t help you, because no, I haven’t seen his penis.’ An then boom, he’s buried in an unmarked grave.

accident horribly private parts penis unmarked grave

Nick is delicate. Like a flower. Like a chubby, damaged flower who hates himself.

Delicate Simile Examples Flower chubby damaged

From “Thanksgiving”

Schmidt: Here’s another tip, don’t ask a guy out on a first date on the least sexy holiday in America. Jess: What are the sexiest holidays in America? Schmidt: The most sexy holidays are the 4th of July — Independence Day, obviously. Women’s History Month. Christmas.

Sexy holiday America 4th of July Christmas

From “The 23rd”

I had figure skating lessons until I was 13, and then my mom sobered up and realized I was a boy.

figure skating Mom sobered realized

From “The Story of the 50”

Guess whose personalized condoms just arrived!

Personalized condoms Excited

Damn it! I can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere!

Driving moccasins upset

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