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1,631 quotes

“Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.”

“Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? Because he was standing out in his field.”

“Why was the teacher cross-eyed? Because he couldn’t control his pupils.”

“What is E.T. short for? He has really small legs.”

Tagged: E. T.

“How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Ten-tickles.”

“What is the difference between a dead baby and a granola bar? About 500 calories.”

“What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a pile of sand? You can’t move a pile of sand with a pitchfork.”

“Why did the dead baby cross the road? Cuz it was stapled to the chicken.”

“What screams as it goes round and round? A baby on a spit roast.”

“What is the difference between a deer and a baby? I don’t have a deer head mounted above my mantle.”

“What do a dead baby’s head and a bottle cap have in common? They come off easier if you twist them.”

“What do babies and an Etch-A-Sketch have in common? If you don’t like how it looks, you can shake it until it goes away.”

“How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb? Depend on how good you are at stacking them.”

“How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb? Depends how high your ceiling is.”

“How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb? Couldn’t tell you. I have 50 in my basement, and the light is still out.”

“What is the worst part about killing a baby? Getting blood on your clown suit.”

“What is red and pink and hanging out of your dog’s mouth? Your baby’s leg.”

“What’s the difference between 100 dead babies and a Ferrari? I don’t keep a Ferrari in my garage.”

“What’s the difference between a dead baby and a peanut butter cup? The dead baby won’t stick to the roof of your mouth.”

“What’s the difference between a dead baby and a felt tip marker? You don’t get second looks when you’re writing with a felt tip marker!”