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1,631 quotes

“A sandwich walks into a bar. Barman says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.’”

“What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.”

“How do mountains stay warm in winter? Snowcaps.”

“What do you call it when a dinosaur crashes his car? Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.”

“What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.”

“What’s the definition of a good farmer? A man outstanding in his field.”

“What did one horse say to the other at the dance? You mustang-o with me.”

“Knock-knock. Who’s there? Yacht. Yacht who? Yacht a know me by now!”

“What do you call a smart group of trees? A brain forest.”

“What do birds give out on Halloween? Tweets.”

“Why did the chicken cross the road? To get The Chinese Daily. [Pause] Do you get it? No Me, neither. I get The Times.”

“Knock-knock. Who’s there? Cash. Cash who? Thanks, but I’d rather have some peanuts.”

“What does a spider’s bride wear? A webbing dress.”

“What did the policeman say to his tummy? Freeze. You’re under a vest.”

“Why should you never trust a pig with a secret? ’Cause it’s bound to squeal.”

“Knock-knock. Who’s there? Who Who who? Hold on. Is there an owl in here?”

“What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park your car, man.”

“Why is it so windy inside a sports arena? All those fans.”

“What do snowmen call their fancy annual dance? The Snowball.”

“What’s Irish and stays out all night long? Patty O’Furniture.”