Season 1

“Terry: Or is your favorite artist really Taylor Swift? Peralta: [Scoffs] No. Technician: Lie. Peralta: Allright fine. She is. She makes me feels things.”

— Michael Schur, Daniel J. Goor, Jake Peralta, Andy Samberg, imdb.com

“Peralta: Hello good sir, I would like your finest bottle of wine, please. Clerk: That will be $1,600. Peralta: Great, I'd like your $8-Est bottle of wine, please.”

— Michael Schur, Daniel J. Goor, Jake Peralta, Andy Samberg, imdb.com

“You should make me your campaign manager. I was born for politics! I have great hair and I love lying.”

— Michael Schur, Daniel J. Goor, Gina Linetti, Chelsea Peretti, imdb.com

“Terry: And what does the Ebony Falcon do? Peralta: Takes every precaution to ensure his own safety? Takes bad guys to jail and bad girls to bed. Terry: Hell yeah he does! Except now the Ebony Falcon is monogamous and too tired for sex, so his only indulgence is fresh fruit yogurt parfaits.”

— Michael Schur, Daniel J. Goor, Terry Jeffords, Terry Crews, imdb.com

“Diaz: Can you estimate the value of everything that was taken? Gina: Emotionally? $700 million.”

— Michael Schur, Daniel J. Goor, Gina Linetti, Chelsea Peretti, imdb.com

“Holt: Same to you, your honor. [Hangs up the phone.] Jake: Oh, what judge were you talking to? Holt: That was my mother.”

— Daniel J. Goor, Joe Lo Truglio, Michael Schur, Captain Ray Holt, Andre Braugher, imdb.com

“Precisely. Captain, turn your greatest weakness into your greatest strength, like Paris Hilton, RE: her sex tape.”

— Michael Schur, Daniel J. Goor, Gina Linetti, Chelsea Peretti, imdb.com

“Diaz: And when this is over, I'm gonna find you, and I'm gonna break those little fingers. Judge: Ms. Diaz! Please stop threatening the stenographer!”

— Michael Schur, Daniel J. Goor, Rosa Diaz, Stephanie Beatriz, imdb.com

“Holt: I'm disappointed, Santiago. I thought you and I were close. Amy: I know you're manipulating me... but I love it, and I will tell you anything.”

— Michael Schur, Daniel J. Goor, Amy Santiago, Melissa Fumero, imdb.com

“Holt: Now, I know everyone's mad at Detective Peralta for ruining their weekend. Peralta: But? Holt: That was it. I was just demonstrating for Detective Peralta what a fact is.”

— Michael Schur, Daniel J. Goor, Captain Ray Holt, Andre Braugher, imdb.com

“Holt: I'm considering it. I'm interested. I agree to participate. Peralta: All right, there's the robot I fell in love with.”

— Michael Schur, Daniel J. Goor, Jake Peralta, Andy Samberg, imdb.com

“Boyle: Don't- don't knock it 'till you try it! She had a replacement hip with some serious torque. It was like having sex with a Transformer! Peralta: That is no one's fantasy!”

— Michael Schur, Daniel J. Goor, Charles Boyle, Joe Lo Truglio, imdb.com

“Holt: Here are two pictures. One is your locker; the other is a garbage dump in the Philippines. Can you guess which is which? Peralta: That one's the dump? Holt: They're both your locker.”

— Michael Schur, Daniel J. Goor, Captain Ray Holt, Andre Braugher, imdb.com

“Amy: Absolutely, sir! I won't just head it up, I will head and shoulders it up. I will dive in, and swim around it, and just be altogether go-good with it. Holt: Be more articulate when you speak the children. Amy: Yes, sir, I will make better mouth.”

— Michael Schur, Daniel J. Goor, Amy Santiago, Melissa Fumero, imdb.com

“If I'm ever going to make captain, I need a good mentor; I need my rabbi.”

— Daniel J. Goor, Michael Schur, Amy Santiago, Melissa Fumero, imdb.com