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Quotes tagged ‘joke’

(331 total)

Samantha: Hey, you wanna go for a run? Joelle: Like white girls in TV shows when they need a visually interesting way to deliver exposition?

— Justin Simien, Joelle Brooks, Ashley Blaine Featherson, imdb.com

I get that being reduced to a race-based generalization is a new and devastating experience for some of you. But here’s the difference: my jokes don’t incarcerate your youth at alarming rates or make it unsafe for you to walk around your own neighborhoods. But yours do. When you mock or belittle us,…

— Justin Simien, Samantha White, Logan Browning, imdb.com

Rashid Bakr: This is what happens when a country refuses to address its history with slavery. White Student: We need to do here what they did in Germany. Everyone: What?! White Student: I meant educating kids about the nation’s horrible past part, not the concentration camp part.

— Njeri Brown, Leann Bowen, Rashid Bakr, Jeremy Tardy, imdb.com

I wanted an avant-garde look, like Solange — something that says, ‘I’m woke, but I’ll also kick your ass in an elevator.’

— Njeri Brown, Leann Bowen, Samantha White, Logan Browning, imdb.com

Troy: So you didn’t have a man around to show you what’s what? Lionel: Yup. Which is why I chose to be gay… kidding. That’s not how it works.

— Njeri Brown, Leann Bowen, Lionel Higgins, DeRon Horton, imdb.com

Eleanor: Ugh, I hate jazz. Every jazz song is like 40 minutes long. It's like, we get it. You can blow on a trumpet. Wrap it up, Elton John. Chidi: Famously a piano player.

— Jen Statsky, Eleanor Shellstrop, Kristen Bell, imdb.com

Eleanor: The little voice in your head sounds like the old lady from Downton Abbey? Tahani: Oh, yeah, sorry. Maggie Smith is my godmother.

— Michael Schur, Tahani Al-Jamil, Jameela Jamil, imdb.com

Oh, spare me the sanctimonious lecture. You never cared about me. In the words of one of my actual friends: Ya basic. It's a human insult. It's devastating. You're devastated right now.

— Megan Amram, Joe Mande, Michael, Ted Danson, imdb.com

Michael: It's a torture museum. Famous examples of bad behavior, and explanations of the torture they earned. Jason: Is there a gift shop? Michael: Jason, this is Hell. Of course there's a gift shop.

— Jen Statsky, Daniel Schofield, Michael, Ted Danson, imdb.com

All I've ever really wanted was to know what it feels like to be human, and now we're going to do the most human thing of all: attempt something futile with a ton of unearned confidence and fail spectacularly!

— Tyler Straessle, Michael, Ted Danson, imdb.com

No one can ever truly turn over a new leaf. Sure, Ben Affleck told me he'd matured as an artist after he directed 'Argo,' but then, right on schedule, it was, 'Guess what, Tahani, I'm gonna be Batman.'

— Christopher Encell, Tahani Al-Jamil, Jameela Jamil, imdb.com

I mean, whenever I would do something crappy on Earth, there would be a little tiny voice in the back of my head that would say, 'Eleanor, don't grab that handful of olives from the salad bar. You know, you didn't pay for that,' or 'Eleanor, don't spit those olive pits onto the floor of the grocery…

— Cord Jefferson, Eleanor Shellstrop, Kristen Bell, imdb.com

Janet: Eleanor told me that instead of being sad, I should go get it, girl. So I'm going to go get it, girl. Michael: Get what? Janet: Unclear. I'll get everything, just to be safe.

— Kate Gersten, Janet, D'Arcy Carden, imdb.com

Eleanor: What do we do? Jason: We team up with Michael. Eleanor: Okay, hot take, but I like your confidence. Tell me why. Jason: He has a bow tie. Eleanor: Oh, no. Jason: I always trust dudes in bow ties. Once, this guy in a bow tie came up to me at the gun range in a Jacksonville bus station and sa…

— Daniel Schofield, Jason Mendoza, Manny Jacinto, imdb.com

Jason: You're saying a lot of words right now, and I only know some of them, like 'rat' and 'Jason,' but I know a little wisdom I can give you. Michael: I know everything that happened in your life, and it was all stupid, so I highly doubt that.

— Megan Amram, Jason Mendoza, Manny Jacinto, imdb.com

I've only ever said 'I love you' to two men my entire life, Stone Cold Steve Austin and a guy in a dark club who I mistook for Stone Cold Steve Austin.

— Megan Amram, Eleanor Shellstrop, Kristen Bell, imdb.com

I'm too young to die and too old to eat off the kids' menu. What a stupid age I am.

— Megan Amram, Jason Mendoza, Manny Jacinto, imdb.com

Actually, it is kind of clever how they punish philosophers. Every day, they make them go to school naked, and then they take a test in a class they've never been to. And then they smash them with hammers. And that part is not so clever.

— Joe Mande, Jen Statsky, Michael, Ted Danson, imdb.com

You saw us all on Earth: a selfish ass, an idiot DJ, a tortured academic, a hot, rich fraud with legs for days... Side note, I might legit be into Tahani.

— Michael Schur, Eleanor Shellstrop, Kristen Bell, imdb.com

Michael: Hi there, since there's no Janet here to serve you, I brought you two a little treat. Chidi: Ah, kind of like a last meal? Michael: Not like a last meal, just, uh, the final food you might ever eat. Tahani: I'm gonna miss these little perks when I'm down in the Bad Place, being forced to we…

— Megan Amram, Jen Statsky, Tahani Al-Jamil, Jameela Jamil, imdb.com

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