“Lois Griffin: Brian, you're home early. What happened with your date? Brian Griffin: Same thing that always happens: she was an idiot.”— Allison Adler, Brian Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all, shut the hell up!”— Danny Smith, Peter Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com
“Brian Griffin: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract? Peter Griffin: Um... if by 'read' you mean 'imagined a naked lady,' then yes.”— Mike Henry, Alex Borstein, Peter Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com
“Peter Griffin: Come on, Stewie, your mom and I have something for ya. Stewie Griffin: Oh, let me guess, you've picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! Big shock, a Jack pops out. And you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a li…”— Mark Hentemann, Stewie Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com
“It's called 'Fortress of Solitude.' Not 'Fortress of Come on In.'”— Ali Waller, John Unholz, Robert Maitia, Brett Cawley, Steve Smith (voice), Scott Grimes, imdb.com
“An above ground sprinkler on the front lawn! No sir! What's next, prostitutes rising out of the ground and spitting all over our lawns? Well not in my neighborhood!”— Brian Boyle, Stan Smith (voice), Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com
“Lois: Well, hi, there, sweetie! Stewie: You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenades!”— Seth MacFarlane, Stewie Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com
“Cyril: How do you not know the different kinds of porn? Archer: Because I have sex with actual women, Cyril! My girlfriend's not equal parts the Internet, a tube of Kentucky jelly, self-loathing, and a sock.”— Adam Reed, Sterling Archer (voice), H. Jon Benjamin, imdb.com
“Lana: What's in Miami? Malory: Besides 90% of all mosquitoes and Cubans on earth?”— Adam Reed, Malory Archer (voice), Jessica Walter, imdb.com
“Malory: ...and then, give me the file I asked for! Ray: Yeah, why don't I shove a broom up my ass and sweep the floor while I'm at it?”— Ray Gillette (voice), Adam Reed, imdb.com
“Archer: Thank you... What was your name again? Rodney: Rodney. Archer: Thank you. Asshole.”— Adam Reed, Sterling Archer (voice), H. Jon Benjamin, imdb.com
“Archer: We look totally gay! Ray: I am gay. Archer: Well, I'm not! Ray: Then why are you wearing that turtleneck?”— Ray Gillette (voice), Adam Reed, imdb.com
“Archer: Name the douchebag who's in charge! Mobster: Vincent... Van Go-fuck-yourself. Archer: Vincent Van Go-fuck-myself. Survey says!”— Adam Reed, Sterling Archer (voice), H. Jon Benjamin, imdb.com
“Malory: What are you, deaf and racist? Lana: I'm black! Malory: Oh, put it back in the deck.”— Adam Reed, Malory Archer (voice), Jessica Walter, imdb.com
“ISIS isn't your own personal travel agency. It doesn't exist just so you can jet off to... Whore Island!”— Adam Reed, Malory Archer (voice), Jessica Walter, imdb.com
“I'd rather watch paint dry.”— Craig Bartlett, Steve Viksten, Joe Ansolabehere, Helga Pataki (voice), Francesca Smith, imdb.com
“Helen: Oh my, where is everyone? Daria: Dad, Tom and Jeffy are outside trying to catch a squirrel and Quinn's in her room crying. Helen: Why? What happened? Daria: Male bonding, I guess.”— Ron Corcillo, A.J. Poulin, Daria Morgendorffer (voice), Tracy Grandstaff, imdb.com
“Quinn: Oh my gosh! If I hadn't gotten up at just that second, that would've hit my head. Daria: Or, something vital.”— Glenn Eichler, Daria Morgendorffer (voice), Tracy Grandstaff, imdb.com
“Quinn: Eww! You're not really gonna eat all that fat, are you? Daria: No, I'm going to stick it in my boots 'cause I love the squishy, squishy feeling 'round my toes.”— Peggy Nicoll, Daria Morgendorffer (voice), Tracy Grandstaff, imdb.com
“Jane: Did we just see a U.F.O.? Daria: You're getting paranoid. It's probably just an informal get-together of local stalkers. You know, hang out, swap stories, try out each other's skeleton keys.”— Glenn Eichler, Karen Disher, Daria Morgendorffer (voice), Tracy Grandstaff, imdb.com